Are There Any Novels So Sweet They'll Make You Roll Around?

Is My Childhood Sweetheart a Yandere?

On my birthday, I got drunk and accidentally exposed my beastly nature.

I forcibly kissed my childhood sweetheart.

The next day, he told me, “Two choices. Become my girlfriend, or let me kiss you back.”

Was there even a choice?

The first, of course!

Then he leaned over and kissed me anyway.

“You’re an adult now. At a time like this, you should say, ‘I want both.’”

(Main story complete)

Translator’s note: 病娇 (bing4 jiao1) = yandere: someone whose love turns sick and obsessive. Keep that in mind for this one.

1

One day when I was fourteen, I was looking through downloaded study materials on my phone.

But in the folder labeled “Study,” a mysteriously unnamed text file had appeared.

Curious, I opened it.

It turned out to be smut. Right there on the first page, two enormous characters announced:

Imprisoned and Pampered.

In small print: Captivity PLAY.

Exciting.

I wasn’t a pervert. I was just curious.

Yes. Exactly.

Phone in hand, I tilted my head slightly and discreetly observed the boy beside me.

Curled up on the sofa, he was gaming, his attention fixed completely on his screen.

Apparently, none of it was on me.

Slightly relieved, I subtly moved a little farther away and turned to the next page.

One look shocked my entire family.

…

“Lin Miao gazed distractedly at the ceiling. In a haze, the crystal chandelier casting its yellow light seemed to sway, as though it would never tire.

“But she had no strength left.

“As if sensing her exhaustion, the man looked at her faintly trembling lips and bit down hard in punishment.

“Jiang Shu’s kiss was as fierce as an animal’s bite, as though he meant to devour her.

“The movement made the shackles on her wrists ring.

“Only when the person beneath him began trembling uncontrollably, her chained hands pressing against his chest to push him away, did he relent, changing to lingering, clinging kisses.

“He released her swollen lips and tenderly kissed away the tears at the corners of her eyes.

“‘Miaomiao…’ he murmured, caressing the reddened ends of her eyes, a sickly obsession in his own.

“Lin Miao bit her lower lip. Moisture veiled her slightly reddened eyes. Red marks covered her fair shoulders and neck; she looked thoroughly bullied.

“Only he could see her like this.

“Not only like this. Her smiles, her frowns, her happiness, her unhappiness—from now on, only he would see any of it.

“He no longer had to worry that her world would grow larger and larger.

“No longer had to fear she’d share her love with anyone else.

“Her eyes would hold only him.

“At last… at last…

“He lightly kissed her eyes, buried his face in the hollow of her neck, and looked utterly satisfied.

“At last, your world is quiet. Only I disturb you.”

…

S-so intense right from the start.

Not bad.

If only my name weren’t Lin Miao.

For the first time, I read smut with the expression of someone who’d seen a ghost.

Perhaps my face changed too obviously—red, then white, then green.

The person beside me asked, “What’s wrong?”

Stiff all over, I turned toward him.

The boy wore a warm white wool sweater, softening the outline of his fair, still-childish face.

His fine hair was a mess from his own rubbing, yet somehow looked casually handsome.

He’d stopped gaming and was watching me.

At first glance, those eyes seemed only clean, clear, warm.

As though they held the sun, moon, and stars.

A boy like that made you happy just to see him.

The problem was, he was my childhood sweetheart.

And his name was Jiang Shu.

2

I silently switched off my screen.

Absurd. Simply absurd.

Whose prank was this?

Was I hallucinating?

Did I have delusions?

Jiang Shu raised an eyebrow.

“What are you reading? Monthly exam results? Did you bomb it?”

I’d gladly trade a completely disastrous monthly exam for everything I’d just seen having been a dream.

I pinched my finger hard.

It hurt.

I was despairing too.

He frowned.

“Miaomiao?”

Hearing that name and remembering what I’d just read, I sprang off the sofa.

“Don’t call me that!”

He seemed startled.

“What’s gotten into you?”

What could I say?

I found smut with protagonists whose names are exactly the same as ours?

And you put me through captivity PLAY in it?

Damn it. Everything felt so absurd, so tragic, so ridiculous!

Fine. Better shared absurdity than solitary absurdity.

If I was doubting life, I might as well drag someone in with me!

Taking a deep breath, I threw caution away.

“I…”

Then I discovered, horrified, that I couldn’t say a single word about that story.

Everything felt even more absurd, tragic, and ridiculous.

After a long string of “I,” the only thing I managed was, “Fuck.”

Jiang Shu looked even more shocked.

“What is wrong with you?”

Trembling, I opened my phone and discovered, to my horror, that the smut had vanished.

Was I fucking hallucinating for real?

Jiang Shu seemed completely at a loss too, staring at me with furrowed brows.

After standing frozen for ages, I finally found my voice.

“I forgot to water my flowers. Going home.”

“Wait, you—”

As though a murderous ghost were chasing me, I fled Jiang Shu’s house at top speed.

Dazed, I went home and entered my room.

Everything felt increasingly unreal. Maybe I really was ill and had imagined all of it.

So I opened my phone again.

And the smut was back.

Fucking ridiculous.

I rushed into the living room and shouted at my parents on the sofa.

“Dad! Mom! I…”

Sure enough, nothing came out.

They puzzledly turned from the TV.

“What is it?”

I’d been possessed. I’d seen a ghost. I might have some terminal illness!

I forced a smile.

“Nothing. I love you.”

Back in my room, I collapsed onto the bed, profoundly exhausted.

I’d definitely suddenly developed some serious disease.

Otherwise, why did the world look so abnormal?

Then, suddenly, a voice spoke in my mind.

“Calm down, little girl.”

Me: …

Everyone, judge this fairly.

A voice with an extremely strange tone suddenly appeared in my head after extremely strange events—and then fucking told me to calm down?

Hilarious.

Who could stay calm?

Big Brother World, I’m begging you.

Be normal.

I’m really scared.

I hoped it would explain something.

Then the voice stopped speaking.

I fucking…

You can’t play like this!

Next, someone knocked twice on my door.

I opened it.

Jiang Shu.

I was terrified and exhausted.

The whole world seemed strange, including the Jiang Shu before me.

Trying to appear calm, I asked what was wrong.

“You’re asking me?”

He looked far from calm, sounding as though he’d suffered a tremendous grievance.

“Shouldn’t you explain what’s wrong with you?”

“A fit of madness.”

Jiang Shu: …

For a while, he said nothing, only staring with a searching gaze.

I met his eyes briefly, then couldn’t anymore.

My mind a tangled mess, I sat at my desk and stared at a book, pretending I’d been reading.

Oh, my dear friend, I firmly believe you’re innocent.

But after reading something like that, I temporarily cannot face you…

Surely you understand!

Understand, my ass. Even I didn’t.

As it turned out, of course he couldn’t understand.

He walked behind me.

“A fit of madness?”

He seemed to find that answer amusing.

“Fine. Should you go to the hospital?”

At first, I’d really thought I might have some mental illness.

Now, I felt even the hospital couldn’t save me.

“No need. The fit’s over.”

He watched me for a while, as though confirming something.

Then he leaned toward my ear, amusement in his voice.

“Then can I keep calling you Miaomiao?”

Me: …

I hesitated.

“How about… not yet?”

His smile gradually faded.

“Why?”

I rubbed my head in frustration.

After a long while, I produced, “That name is too… ordinary. From now on, please call me Nicholas Lin Miao.”

He was silent a moment, then looked worriedly at me.

“…You should still go to the hospital.”

Me: …

“I’m really fine. I feel like I could do three practice papers today.”

Trying to sound normal, I continued, “I’m going to do practice papers. Don’t you have a team match to play?”

I took out a paper and reached for a pen.

Jiang Shu pulled one from the holder and handed it to me.

Exactly the one I’d wanted.

I should have accepted naturally.

But my fingertips shamefully trembled.

Watching me take it, he straightened and stepped back.

“Lin Miao, turn around. I have something to tell you.”

I didn’t move.

“What?”

He didn’t answer immediately.

It made me panic.

Just as I couldn’t bear it anymore and was about to turn, my chair slid backward.

Then Jiang Shu grabbed its back and turned the chair, with me in it, straight toward him.

I nearly lost my mind.

He bent slightly, both hands braced on the back’s edges.

The position was like imprisoning me in his arms.

That realization made me rigid.

Tilting his head, he looked at me.

“Are you afraid of me?”

Me: …

I’d been doing all right.

But his behavior inexplicably reminded me of the smut.

After several deep breaths, I managed a soft, “How could I be? Not at all…”

He leaned a little closer.

I instantly lost the ability to speak.

Jiang Shu: …

He scoffed.

“Look at that silly expression.”

Then he straightened and withdrew his gaze, as though reflecting.

“To think I’m this intimidating at such a young age.”

Me: …

Normally, I’d have rolled my eyes and given him a contemptuous look.

Now I could only freeze quietly as a chicken in the chair.

“You look at me like you’ve seen a ghost. Tell me, did you do something behind my back to wrong me?”

Arms crossed, he looked down at me.

Inspiration struck.

“You wronged me!”

He stared, apparently baffled.

“How have I offended you now?”

…In the smut.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t say that.

“We… we agreed to study together. But the moment I got to your house, you started gaming.”

I tried to fill my voice with grievance and accusation.

“I asked you first.”

He seemed still more confused.

“Didn’t you casually tell me to go play? You were probably secretly pleased you’d get more study time than me.”

“…A woman’s heart is a needle at the bottom of the sea! Don’t you understand? Saying I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t have all those hopes and regrets inside!”

Who could understand my suffering?

Jiang Shu blinked blankly.

“Do you often say the opposite of what you mean?”

“…You’ll have to think about that yourself.”

Clinging to my last scrap of normality, I ushered him out.

3

The moment he left, I prayed for that strange voice to return.

At present, it seemed the likely source of all this weirdness.

Thank heaven, it soon appeared.

And apparently, I could communicate with it.

“What you saw on your phone wasn’t a prank or a hallucination. Those are facts that will happen in the future.”

Me: …

I’d rather believe I had delusions.

Easier to accept.

“If you don’t believe me, finish the book. Everything it describes before you turned fourteen is exact. It even knows how many moles you have.”

“…I’d still rather believe I have delusions.”

“Believe it or don’t.”

Me: …

“…page.”

I hesitated, then opened my phone.

“Jiang Shu looked at the mole on her chest. Flushed with desire, it seemed even redder, striking against her fair skin.

“He couldn’t help lowering his head to kiss it.”

After one glance, I trembled and shut off the screen.

The voice spoke again.

“Believe me now? Apart from you and your parents, probably no one knows about that mole on your chest.”

I still tried to struggle.

“O-one mole. What does that prove…?”

“Then feel free to wait a few years.”

Me: …

I nearly burst into tears.

“I’m only fourteen. Why would I experience this?”

“No. Minors can’t do that stuff. In the passage just now, you’re twenty-four.”

Me: …

Still unable to believe it, I asked, “How could this happen? Jiang Shu and I grew up together. We’re good bros…”

“Brotherly affection changing flavor. What’s strange about that?”

I still doubted life.

“But it doesn’t have to change this much… Why would he…”

“Can’t you read? Did I give you the story just for thrills?”

Me: …

Trembling, I asked, “Who are you?”

“A messenger. Doesn’t matter.”

I suddenly remembered.

“…Why can’t I tell anyone?”

I couldn’t bear so much alone!

“Letting you know already breaks the rules. Anyway, I’ve said what I should. I’ve revealed the future. If you still end up like the book, you can only blame yourself.”

The voice sounded impatient.

“Take care of yourself.”

Then it disappeared again.

Apparently, it wouldn’t return.

…Just kill me.

I collapsed onto the bed again.

It shouldn’t be like this.

After knowing each other so long, I’d considered the possibility that Jiang Shu liked me.

But I’d never, ever imagined he had yandere potential.

He smiled carelessly all day, spouted clueless straight-boy remarks, and shone like a little sun.

Just a handsome goofball.

I couldn’t imagine him becoming the frightening, obsessive man I’d just read about.

Never mind me.

Who the hell could?

Yet everything that had just happened suggested it was probably real.

I needed to calm down.

Instead, I calmed down so hard I barely slept all night.

The next morning, my dark circles earned astonished looks from my parents.

“Did you fight with Jiang Shu? He didn’t look happy going home last night.”

Fight?

A fight would’ve been good.

At least we could make up.

With this, how strong did I have to be to act as though nothing had happened?

I shook my head.

“No.”

They clearly didn’t believe me.

“Just talk things through. How big a disagreement could children your age have? You two have known each other since you wet the bed together!”

Me: …

Calm outside.

Trembling inside.

Human joys and sorrows really were different.

“Actually… I had a nightmare.”

I put on an exhausted face.

No, I didn’t need to pretend.

“I… read a ghost story yesterday. Someone in it was called Miaomiao, which sounded too much like my name, so I couldn’t help imagining things.

“Then I dreamed a monster chased me, calling me ‘Miaomiao’ over and over, wanting to eat me.”

Nearly tearful, I said, “Don’t call me Miaomiao anymore. I’m traumatized.”

It sounded unreliable.

But I’d spent all night devising it.

I’d done my best.

My parents believed it easily.

With Jiang Shu, not so much.

He asked three questions.

“You were reading a ghost story yesterday?”

…Worse than a ghost story.

On the way to school, I bit into the bun he’d brought and nodded firmly.

“Do I look like the ghost?”

…No. You’re scarier.

“Not really. I’m just very empathetic. I felt like I was inside it, so everyone looked like a ghost.”

“Then why didn’t you say so yesterday?”

…The situation was urgent. I hadn’t invented it yet.

“Being scared like that by a ghost story is embarrassing, okay? But then I thought letting you misunderstand wasn’t good either.”

He suddenly called, “Miaomiao.”

I froze immediately.

My calm expression almost broke. I nearly squeezed the filling from my bun.

He raised his eyebrows.

“That magical?”

Me: …

You seem to think this is fun?

Do you know what I’ve been through? (teary eyes)

Before I could speak, he smiled reassuringly.

“Fine. Since you’re so pitiful, I won’t call you that.”

Then he added, asking for a beating, “Stop courting death with ghost stories. Scaring yourself is one thing. You scared other people too.”

Me: …

You have no idea what I’ve been through. (teary eyes)

The most upsetting thing in the world was discovering that yesterday hadn’t been a nightmare.

And I’d bombed the monthly exam.

In the office, the math teacher sighed repeatedly over my paper.

“Lin Miao, what happened this time? Out of 120, you didn’t even get 100?”

My heart was heavy.

“Look at Jiang Shu next door. You’re close, aren’t you? Grew up together? How did he get full marks?”

My fucking heart grew heavier.

“It’s normal for a child to favor a subject,” the Chinese teacher defended me. “Lin Miao did very well in Chinese. 118. Highest in the grade.”

The math teacher only grew more animated.

“Hear that? Math over ten points below Chinese! Math separates scores far more. You’ll suffer in the high-school entrance exam…”

The Chinese teacher objected.

“Math is easier to improve too. Your Jiang Shu is good at math, but his Chinese isn’t. Those essays—I can hardly look at them…”

Me: trembling and quiet as a chicken.

What began as my math teacher lecturing me became a battle between the Chinese and math teachers.

Jiang Shu’s and my names appeared together at an extremely high frequency.

What kind of misery was this?

Let everything be destroyed. I was tired.

4

I was wrong.

There was something worse.

Coming out of the office and running straight into Jiang Shu.

Boys this age were probably all terribly mischievous.

Told not to fool around in the teaching building, they wouldn’t listen.

While playing with classmates, Jiang Shu failed to watch where he was going and collided with equally inattentive me.

Quick-eyed and quick-handed, he steadied me.

“You all right?”

I stepped back, found my balance, and almost immediately shook off his hand.

He seemed to stiffen.

Crap. My hand was too quick.

“What could happen to me?” I hurriedly repaired it. “You’re pretty reckless, fooling around outside the office. If Old Qin had come out instead of me, you’d be in trouble.”

Old Qin was our grade director.

Fierce. Most people feared him.

Jiang Shu withdrew his hand and smiled as though nothing had happened.

“Then should I thank you for running into me?”

“Get it straight. You ran into me.”

We bickered as usual.

Everything appeared unchanged.

But I knew it only appeared that way.

“I’ve revealed the future. If you still end up like the book, you can only blame yourself.”

Before bed that night, those words kept circling in my head.

As though knowing the future guaranteed I could change it.

What could I do?

Flee the city overnight?

Distance myself?

Avoid him?

Cut him out completely?

Wouldn’t that accelerate his dark turn?

I lay in bed, mind tangled.

Opening my phone, I tried reading the story for a solution.

After a few lines, I couldn’t bear to look and closed it.

A few more days.

I’d read once I’d calmed down.

I gave up on myself.

If I hadn’t missed a whole night’s sleep and been exhausted, I’d probably have had insomnia again.

I tried hard to restrain my distance from Jiang Shu and act normal.

Yet at certain moments, I still instinctively rejected and avoided him.

Pretending not to see him on the road.

Finding every excuse not to travel to and from school together.

Immediately pulling away from his touch.

He always looked at me as though I were having another fit, then returned to normal.

Apparently, he didn’t care much.

At most, he wasn’t used to it.

Later, when I said, “Busy,” “Meeting someone,” or “Leaving first,” he grew accustomed to that too.

At most, he’d say, “Oh,” and leave it.

If not for what happened next, I’d have thought he truly didn’t care.

5

Distracted all this time, I naturally hadn’t studied properly.

So, naturally, I bombed the next exam too.

The pressure I’d accumulated seemed to explode at once.

After school, without telling anyone, I went alone to the river to clear my head.

I walked aimlessly along it for who knew how long.

When I grew tired, I simply sat by the water.

Dusk had already stained one corner of the sky. Watching the sinking sun, I felt desperately worried.

My phone suddenly rang nonstop.

First my father called, then Jiang Shu.

Both asked the same thing: why wasn’t I home?

I vaguely said I was in a bad mood, had found somewhere to relax, and would return soon.

Then I unhesitatingly hung up, silenced the phone, and stuffed it into my schoolbag.

And worried more.

Things didn’t seem that terrible yet.

There were months until the entrance exam.

The imprisonment described in the book hadn’t happened.

There was still time.

Yet I’d spent this entire month avoiding everything.

I even thought: why not give up?

With my grades going this way, I might not get into Jiang Shu’s high school anyway.

Wouldn’t that count as changing the plot?

Thinking that almost made me less worried.

After a while of random thoughts, I sadly realized that neither drifting apart from Jiang Shu nor ending up like the book would make me happy.

Was this a fucking dead end?

What sins had I committed to deserve this?

Worry gradually gave way to grief and anger.

Suddenly thirsty, I took a sip from my water bottle.

The water was already cold.

The sun had vanished. Only a little afterglow remained above the horizon.

A cold wind blew.

Only then did I feel chilled.

Jiang Shu was probably sitting in a heated room, drinking warm milk and comfortably reading.

I could even picture him, one hand propping his cheek, the other turning a page.

Excellent. More indignation.

Why was I studying?

I should learn martial arts.

Master peerless kung fu.

Jiang Shu wanted to imprison me?

I’d beat him flat!

The more I thought, the more satisfied I became.

In the end, I decided I was a genius.

My own train of thought had rescued my mood.

Just as I prepared to get up and go home, I heard, “Lin Miao!”

I turned as though I’d seen a ghost.

Jiang Shu stood not far behind me.

Apparently, he’d just run over. He was still panting slightly.

“You… calm down.”

I turned back toward the flowing river, speechless.

Did he think…

I was going to jump?

Slowly, I stood and faced him.

“I’m quite calm.”

Before you appeared, anyway.

Confronted with the actual person, I shamefully lost the courage I’d had while imagining beating him up.

“How… how did you know I was here?”

“Location tracking,” he said concisely.

I froze.

“Wh-wh-what?”

My mind instantly connected that to something bad.

Even my gaze changed.

“Why are you so shocked?”

He pressed his forehead.

“Forgot? You got lost once when you were little. Your parents specifically bought you a phone with location tracking. You didn’t come home, so they were worried. I came to find you. Your dad was sharing your live location with me.”

Me: …

I was guilty.

I shouldn’t judge Jiang Shu with prejudice and malice.

But I just couldn’t control it. (teary eyes)

“Oh, that’s right. I’d almost forgotten.”

I quickly explained.

Jiang Shu didn’t answer.

After a brief silence, I couldn’t help asking, “What are you thinking?”

As though finally returning to himself, he said, “Wondering whether you’re an idiot.”

I knew he was only teasing.

But I couldn’t bicker with him like before.

Rescued my mood?

It had all been fake.

Some things couldn’t be controlled, no matter how often I talked myself through them.

Like the panic and anxiety that instantly grew when I faced Jiang Shu.

My voice came out strained.

“You’ve seen me. I’m fine. Go back first.”

“What did you say?” he asked, as though he hadn’t heard.

I took a deep breath.

“I said I’m an idiot. Your mom surely doesn’t let you play with idiots. Go home. Stay away from me.”

“…What fit are you having now?”

Jiang Shu rubbed between his brows.

“Even if you’re really an idiot, go be one at home.”

I pressed my lips together.

“I’ll go back myself in a while.”

“I didn’t run all this way to see what you were doing. I came to take you home.”

He seized my wrist.

“It’s nearly completely dark. It’s not safe outside alone. Whatever it is, can we talk at home?”

He pulled me forward somewhat forcefully.

Looking at the hand around my wrist, I found it harder and harder to breathe.

Finally, I couldn’t hold back and shook him off hard.

“Don’t touch me!”

He stopped.

I involuntarily stepped back.

He didn’t turn.

He stood frozen, his expression hidden.

It seemed fully dark now.

Somehow, breathing grew even harder.

After a long while, Jiang Shu’s slightly hoarse voice came from ahead.

“Why?”

He seemed to be desperately suppressing something.

But even clenched fists couldn’t contain it.

He turned, the corners of his eyes scarlet.

“Why do you coldly tell me to leave when I came so worried about you? Why do you avoid me like a snake when I’m your best friend?”

He drew a deep breath.

“You wouldn’t let me call you Miaomiao, so I stopped. You said you didn’t want me always managing you, so I backed off. I saw you didn’t want to go to school with me, and I went along with that too. But why do you still look at me like I’m a monster?”

His accusations came in a low roar, redness and fury churning together in his eyes.

“Lin Miao, tell me. What gives you the right to treat me like this?”

In that instant, he seemed about to overlap with the Jiang Shu from the book.

I looked at him, throat tightening.

Not a word would come.

Yet in the end, he suddenly seemed to deflate.

All that hostility vanished.

Only heavy loneliness and hurt remained.

Lowering his eyes, he whispered, “What did I do wrong? Please tell me.”

His tone was careful, like a stray cat bullied in an alley, curled into a ball and whimpering in its throat.

That look was a soft fist striking my heart.

But I couldn’t answer.

Not one question.

In this matter, I’d become extraordinarily weak.

I hated it.

Only hiding when something happened.

Only crying when I couldn’t hide.

I kept wiping my tears, but could never wipe as quickly as they fell.

I must really have looked like an idiot.

A sick idiot.

I was so sad.

I didn’t want Jiang Shu to become that person.

I didn’t want us to become that relationship either.

Through blurred tears, I saw him freeze hard and look at me in panic.

“…I haven’t cried yet. Why are you crying?”

He seemed to reach toward me, but stopped just before touching and drew back.

I couldn’t stop crying. I could barely speak.

Only repeated, “I’m sorry,” again and again.

He stood stiffly, silent.

Finally—

“Miaomiao…”

He held the corner of my clothes and offered several tissues.

“Lin Miao, don’t cry.”

With lowered eyes, he sighed softly.

“I won’t ask. I’ll never ask again.”

He promised.

Even bearing an unexplained grievance, even with his heart crumpled and soaked in bitterness, he still chose that promise to make things easier for me.

But I felt no relief.

Only greater sadness, as though something were tearing at my heart.

6

That day, Jiang Shu and I returned home in silence.

By unspoken agreement, we acted completely normal before our parents.

Afterward, neither of us mentioned that evening.

He behaved as usual, as though nothing had happened.

Except he no longer deliberately waited to travel to or from school with me.

No longer fought me for meat when eating at my house.

No longer invited me over to do homework…

Apart from that, perfectly normal.

Well, well.

Was he taking revenge?

Giving me a taste of my own medicine?

Fine. I admitted he’d succeeded.

I also wondered: why had I worked so hard to avoid him, then felt uncomfortable once he granted my wish?

After thinking, I understood.

Something was wrong with me.

Only months remained before the entrance exam, yet my grades were falling.

My parents worried constantly.

Several evenings in a row, they came into my room while I did homework, delivering warmth and concern.

Before, they’d barely bothered with me.

I knew they’d noticed something on my mind and hoped I’d confide.

I wanted to.

Wanted to throw caution aside and pour out all my anxiety, unease, and fear.

But I couldn’t.

So I told them, “Scold me. Give me some motivation to study.”

They looked at me sorrowfully.

“Has this child studied herself stupid?”

Me: …

Let me study myself stupid, then.

I wouldn’t think about those awful things.

I asked them to enroll me in lots of tutoring classes and pack my spare time.

Stare at a handsome man or beautiful woman all you like; they still aren’t yours.

Think about upsetting things all you like; they remain upsetting.

Studying was different.

Once you learned it, the knowledge belonged to you.

Studying fulfilled me.

Studying made me happy.

Yours truly was going to be a top student.

An emotionless studying machine.

After school, I marched toward tutoring with head high and spirit proud.

At the school gate, I happened to meet Jiang Shu.

Since acquiring lofty ambitions and barely seeing him for several days, I was less tense.

I even greeted him first.

He’d been walking ahead, head slightly lowered.

Hearing me, he looked up.

“What a coincidence.”

Noticing he wasn’t heading home, I asked, “Where are you going?”

He raised an eyebrow.

“You don’t know?”

…Should I?

At my blank expression, he smiled.

“Last night, I was happily gaming when my mom came in. Very considerately, she waited until the round ended. Then she mercilessly confiscated my smartphone.”

“Beautifully done,” I couldn’t help saying.

He snorted.

“Then she gave me a full half-hour of ideological education. Ten minutes criticizing my gaming. Twenty praising you.”

Well. Who hadn’t experienced that?

My parents praised Jiang Shu too.

Both sets of parents found their own child unbearable, yet could praise the other’s into a flower.

More than once, we’d wondered whether they’d taken home the wrong babies at the hospital.

I smiled.

“Go on, go on. What did your mom praise?”

“Forgot,” he said with a smile.

“Impressive of her, finding twenty minutes’ worth of praise for you.”

Me: …

I wouldn’t argue with a dog of a man.

“So what does this have to do with where you’re going?”

His smile faded.

“Finally, she said you’d asked for tutoring yourself. So diligent, so hardworking. I had to learn from you.”

He sighed slowly.

“So now do you know where I’m going?”

Me: …

Great.

My smile faded too.

7

We walked to tutoring together.

When choosing seats, he didn’t sit beside me.

He sat two rows behind.

Questions instantly bubbled up.

Why not beside me?

Still angry?

Was the back better?

Why did I feel uncomfortable near him, yet want to sit with him?

Forget it. Study.

Just study.

But during class, I felt as though sitting on pins.

Probably psychological.

I kept feeling Jiang Shu was watching me.

Good grief. He might as well sit beside me.

Behind me, even if he wasn’t deliberately staring, looking at the board meant looking past me.

I sat rigid, hardly daring to move.

What earthly suffering was this?

We arrived home after eight.

That sounded early, but we’d neither eaten nor done homework.

On the way to tutoring the next day, Jiang Shu complained.

“School ends at four-thirty. Tutoring from five to seven-thirty. Home and dinner, nearly eight-thirty. Then all that homework… Up again at six. Is this a life for humans?”

He had a point.

But I was a woman destined to become a supreme top student.

How could this little difficulty stop me?

So I said, “I won’t be human. I’ll be a study god.”

Jiang Shu: …

“Lin Miao, impressive.”

He gave me a deep look, apparently admiring.

“A mere mortal like me can’t do it. I’ve written my mom a profound self-criticism, explaining that I’m unworthy of learning from you. If I come again tomorrow, I’m a dog.”

Me: …

My feelings were complicated.

With a little disbelief mixed in.

This thing could become a yandere?

Was the entry threshold that low now?

Where was the obsession?

You couldn’t last three days of studying at this level!

Stop. Calm down.

This was cause for celebration!

Future study god, no one could obstruct your learning now!

I should be moved to tears.

Jiang Shu left.

At last, I could study peacefully.

Several days passed like that.

I deeply felt Jiang Shu was right.

This really wasn’t a human life.

The moment that thought appeared, I mentally slapped myself.

Wake up!

Was being fucking imprisoned and forced into indescribable things every day a human life, then?!

Fine, whether I was imprisoned had no direct connection to my grades.

But if I kept studying like this, I might die suddenly.

I wouldn’t live until the imprisonment.

So once my grades returned to their old level, I decided to become human again.

Hearing this, Jiang Shu was disdainful.

“I was counting on you becoming a study god. This is it?”

Expressionless, I answered, “Giving up halfway isn’t good, true. Shall I tell your mom I could keep going if you accompanied me?”

He immediately smiled.

“You’ve already done wonderfully, lasting this many days.”

8

My relationship with Jiang Shu eased considerably.

Perhaps my heart had grown stronger.

More importantly, I felt he was completely normal so far.

I couldn’t imagine why he’d become a yandere.

To figure it out, I battled at my computer before bed.

After several nights, my browser history was full of searches like “How is a yandere made,” “Why do people become yandere,” and “How to turn a yandere into a normal person.”

I learned little.

Read plenty of novels, though.

In the past, this sort of fiction thrilled me.

Now my feelings were complicated.

Very complicated.

Still, I gained something.

By my own understanding, reasons for someone becoming a yandere—or developing an extreme personality—roughly fell into three categories.

First, upbringing, including family of origin.

Second, unusual experiences, such as a major blow.

Third, least common: they were born that way.

Jiang Shu’s upbringing was excellent.

Wealthy family, harmonious home, friendly neighbors, everything smooth at school.

And a kind, adorable childhood friend like me, who’d tolerated him for over a decade without cutting ties.

Born that way was even less likely.

At least so far, he was normal.

So most likely, something happened later.

The question was: what?

To figure that out, apparently…

Fine.

I still had to read the smut.

“Fuck,” I couldn’t help saying.

Just the opening had taken almost two months to recover from.

I wasn’t even recovered.

Now I had to read it all.

If my heart were any weaker, I’d be jumping off a building.

After several days of mental preparation, finally, one evening—

Beside the bed, I arranged a bottle of green tea to clear heat and toxins, a cup of cold water, and a bottle of Huoxiang Zhengqi liquid.

Despite it being April, I turned on the air-conditioning to cool down.

I’d even prepared a horror movie to help ease my mood.

Finally, with the Great Compassion Mantra playing in the background, I slowly opened the document.

Sigh.

I didn’t want such a grand production either.

I’d tried a shortcut.

Tentatively, I attempted to replace our names with A and B, so the impact would be weaker.

Hilarious.

Couldn’t change them.

Couldn’t move, delete, or edit it.

Like a damned ghost.

Silently reciting the twenty-four-character core socialist values, I began reading with a tragic resolve.

I tried to skip the indescribable parts and approach it as reading comprehension, concentrating on useful information.

But, as expected of smut, all the flashbacks and informative psychological descriptions were mixed into the indescribable parts.

As I read, my blood pressure soared.

I kept exclaiming, “Holy shit,” unable to bear looking.

I’d drunk all the green tea and water.

Nearly delirious, I almost poured the Huoxiang Zhengqi liquid into my mouth too.

Looking at the words “upright qi” on the bottle, I wanted to cry but had no tears.

Until…

Until I read that Jiang Shu lost both parents at fifteen.

All the heat instantly left my body.

My heart clenched hard.

I went cold from head to foot.

One moment, those lurid descriptions had made me blush.

The next, all color drained from my face.

I sat frozen on the bed for a long time.

The screen had long since gone dark.

My phone still played the Great Compassion Mantra.

Earlier, it had utterly failed to clear my mind or preserve uprightness.

Against what I’d been reading, it had almost seemed comical.

Now, in the empty bedroom, amid the darkness beside me, that ethereal Sanskrit sounded especially compassionate.

8

The book said that after the high-school entrance exam, his parents took time off specifically to travel with him.

On the return journey, they had a car accident.

Jiang Shu was gravely injured.

His parents died at the scene.

I didn’t want to believe it.

But the earlier parts described everything before my fourteenth year exactly.

So I had to admit it was probably true.

That was indeed an enormous, enormous blow.

A boy of only fifteen losing both parents overnight.

His whole world drained of color.

Pain and self-loathing wound tightly around him, changing his personality.

As for Lin Miao, with her best friend going through something like that, she must have been hurting too.

But she knew Jiang Shu hurt more.

He needed enormous comfort and companionship to survive it.

So she gave him enormous comfort and companionship.

Even idealized promises like, “I’ll always be with you.”

In that darkness, Jiang Shu unilaterally came to believe he had only Lin Miao.

She was his sole light.

Once he believed that, he hoped—he craved—that Lin Miao would have only him too.

Then he couldn’t bear her smiling at others.

Treating others kindly.

I seemed to have found the tragedy’s root.

The future that had frightened me all this time could be changed.

Yet my heart remained heavy.

9

I didn’t sleep all night, spending it settling my emotions.

My heartache for Jiang Shu temporarily overshadowed my other feelings toward him.

The next morning, I bought breakfast early and waited outside his home.

Drinking soy milk, I watched for him.

When he appeared, I immediately gave him a gaze that could only be called maternal.

He seemed barely awake, lazily yawning as he walked out.

Seeing me, he froze for a moment.

I approached, handed him breakfast, and bloomed into a smile.

Perhaps my gaze was too strange.

His sleepy eyes cleared completely.

Taking breakfast suspiciously, he looked at the buns.

“You didn’t poison them, did you?”

Me: ?

After school that afternoon, I bought milk tea in his favorite flavor too.

Accepting it, he finally asked, “Having another fit?”

Me: …

What was his problem?

Treat him badly: I’m having a fit.

Treat him well: still having a fit.

Sigh. Men were difficult to serve.

“No more fits,” I told him.

“Never again.”

“Don’t.”

He sipped his milk tea, looking satisfied, eyes curving.

“If having a fit makes you buy me milk tea, I hope you have one every day.”

“…In your dreams.”

10

Everything seemed back on track.

Jiang Shu and I traveled to and from school together again.

Fought over meat at the dinner table again.

Before his fifteenth birthday, I asked what present he wanted.

He looked ahead and thought for a long time.

He seemed to consider countless things, unable to decide which to name.

The longer I watched, the more certain I became that he intended to fleece me.

I prepared for my wallet to hurt.

But in the end, he said, “I only want you to stop always shaking off my hand.”

He looked at me.

Smiling.

Yet I felt moisture in those eyes and that smile.

How could I put it?

I’d rather he fleece me every day.

Than see that expression.

Fine.

I’d really been a bastard.

11

After the entrance exam, Jiang Shu and I unsurprisingly got into the best high school in the city.

Our families gathered to celebrate.

While the adults drank and chatted happily, I pulled him aside.

“What are your plans for summer?”

Finally free from the bitter life of studying, Jiang Shu was delighted.

His handsome brows and eyes held smiles he couldn’t hide.

“What plans? Play, of course! I’m making up all the games and anime I missed last year. My parents said they’d take me traveling too.”

I took a deep breath.

“Playing is necessary, of course. But you can’t spend the whole vacation playing.”

Earnestly, I continued, “You think the entrance exam ending means it’s over? It’s only the beginning! High-school competition is fierce. If you don’t start working early…”

The laughter in Jiang Shu’s eyes gradually became confusion.

Then he seemed to remember something and smiled again.

Even laughed aloud.

I stopped my lengthy lecture.

“What are you laughing at?”

“You just reminded me of my mom… Ahem. No, what exactly are you trying to say?”

He fought down his laughter and looked at me.

Me: …

Endure.

“I think you have potential for Tsinghua or Peking University. So I’ve been looking at a preparatory tutoring course for incoming high-school students. It suits you…”

“No,” he interrupted immediately. “It suits you. Not me.”

“It suits us.”

Jiang Shu: …

“Lin Miao, be human.”

I tried to look pitiful.

“Dage, please come with me.”

Translator’s note: Dage = “big brother,” here used the way you’d beg someone. Shushu, which shows up later, = “uncle,” what you call your friend’s dad.

Unmoved.

“Why must I accompany you?”

“Without you, I’m afraid I won’t last ten days.”

“Then don’t last. Isn’t lying at home on your phone wonderful?”

Me: …

I looked at him.

He looked at me.

Then I understood.

“Come with me, and I’ll cover your drinks for a month.”

Sure enough, he smiled.

“Only a month?”

Heh. Men.

“The whole summer.”

“Hm?”

His smile disappeared. Brows furrowed, still apparently dissatisfied.

Gritting my teeth, I steeled myself.

“A year.”

He sighed and opened his mouth.

I cut him off bitterly.

“Don’t push it!”

He smiled again.

“Actually, I was about to say I’d reluctantly agree.”

Me: …

“Reluctantly?”

I looked sorrowful.

“Do you know what I’ll have to sacrifice for a year’s drinks?”

“What’s the big deal? I’ll buy yours the next year.”

Oh.

Then no problem.

11

Our parents fully supported the plan.

They praised our ambition repeatedly and happily drank several more cups.

And so began our happy (?) summer of morning tutoring and afternoon tutoring homework.

On the first day’s bus ride, Jiang Shu hugged his schoolbag and gazed outside.

His eyelids lowered slightly.

Who knew what he was thinking?

A little weariness colored his expression.

Beside him, I memorized words from a vocabulary book.

Then my right shoulder suddenly grew heavy.

Jiang Shu had rested his head on it.

Fine hair brushed my neck and earlobe.

I almost couldn’t hold the book steady.

Apparently oblivious, he looked down at it, slowly scanned the page, and drawled in a low, lazy voice, “Ah. I’ve memorized this page already.”

…Then why park your head here?

Reviewing?

Wasn’t this behavior a little strange?

I couldn’t help asking myself: had he done this before?

Oh, yes.

Then fine.

By my present logic, if it had happened before, it was perfectly normal.

I was the abnormal one for thinking otherwise.

Suppressing the strange feeling, I said in my usual tone, “You’ve been secretly studying behind my back?”

No answer for ages.

Turning my head, I discovered he’d fallen asleep on my shoulder.

Oh, this useless creature.

Had he stayed up gaming again?

Looking at his fringe, dense lashes, and lightly pressed lips, I found the sleeping him absurdly well-behaved.

Especially hugging his schoolbag.

It made me rather want to…

Bully him.

I even wanted to reach out with an evil hand, pinch his nose, and watch his puzzled expression when he woke frowning.

…What was I thinking?

Were these thoughts appropriate for kind, upright me?

I immediately sat properly, gripped my book, and resumed memorizing.

Yet not a single word went in.

After struggling a while, I lowered my head and called his name.

Several calls later, he woke, slowly lifting his eyelids a little.

His voice was soft and hoarse.

“Our stop?”

“Not yet.”

“Oh.”

He closed his eyes and fell asleep again.

Even nuzzled his head against my shoulder.

A face full of question marks, I gently pushed his head.

“Stayed up gaming again?”

The more I pushed, the more he leaned, almost draping his entire upper body over me.

“I didn’t…”

Wronged tone, lazy voice.

“You’re falsely accusing me.”

I couldn’t be bothered arguing about whether he’d gamed.

Seriously, I said, “Staying up is bad for your health. Don’t do it again.”

“Mm. Won’t.”

He tried to rest his head on my shoulder again.

“Don’t move. Let me sleep a little longer…”

Me: …

So I was a human cushion.

12

This time, Jiang Shu sat beside me in tutoring.

For the first time since third grade, we were deskmates again.

Remembering the high-school class lists had separated us again, I sighed.

His Chinese was poor.

Especially essays.

They read like long jokes and had circulated widely in middle school.

My Chinese, by contrast, was quite good.

My essays circulated widely in a different sense.

I’d started tutoring him in Chinese in first-year middle school.

As I taught, my Chinese became the best in the grade.

His essays became the grade’s legend.

I often wondered whether I was incompetent.

After he tutored me in math, my scores rose rapidly.

His Chinese seemed stuck.

The only improvement was better prose for his jokes.

And more punchlines.

The tutoring teacher found his essays troublesome too.

Noticing his deskmate wrote well, the teacher asked me to help.

Teacher, you may not believe this.

I’ve been helping for three years.

Do you know how I’ve survived these three—

Oh, sorry. Off topic.

During the break, Jiang Shu turned toward me smiling, propped an elbow on the desk, and rested his cheek in his hand.

“Come, Teacher Lin. Help me.”

I collapsed onto the desk in defeat.

“A mortal like me cannot teach an immortal like you.”

He lay down too, turned his head, and met my eyes, amusement in his own.

“As a teacher, how can you abandon your student so easily?”

After thinking, I said, “I’ve told you. Essays can’t be too literal. Some parts need imagination, you know?”

He seemed puzzled.

“Mine aren’t imaginative enough?”

I sighed.

“Other people’s imagination is beautiful. Yours is comical.”

Jiang Shu: …

He seemed dissatisfied.

“Then show me what ‘beautiful’ imagination is.”

Still on the desk, I rolled my eyes helplessly.

“I’ve shown you many times.”

He propped himself up.

“Don’t care. Show me again.”

Thinking a moment, I looked into his eyes.

“Your eyes are beautiful.”

He paused.

“…How?”

“They seem to hold mountains and rivers, the shining sun and moon, and galaxies flowing.”

I’d suddenly produced such a fantastical sentence.

It certainly sounded absurd.

But looking into his eyes, it didn’t feel untrue.

Every beautiful thing in the world was hidden in the boy’s eyes.

Unfortunately, the boy was a goofball.

After a long silence, Jiang Shu said, “…Are you sure that’s beauty, not comedy?”

My literary-girl air shattered completely.

“How is it not beautiful?” I frowned.

“It just sounds ridiculous. How did you see so many things?”

He leaned closer and looked at me seriously.

“My eyes clearly hold only you.”

My breath caught.

My heartbeat quickened.

…Little heart, stop jumping around.

I straightened and sat properly.

“If you really don’t get it, just keep things plain. Ignore everything afterward. Focus on ‘Your eyes are beautiful.’”

He nodded.

“But are only my eyes beautiful?”

I paused.

“…All of you is beautiful.”

He laughed.

“Then by your logic, my eyes hold mountains and rivers, so they’re beautiful. I include my eyes, so I’m even more beautiful. Now you’re looking at me, and your eyes hold me. Doesn’t that make you more beautiful than me?”

Me: …

You’re a damned logical genius.

More than half the summer had passed.

I’d packed Jiang Shu’s schedule and successfully coaxed his parents into abandoning travel altogether.

Perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

He definitely wouldn’t develop into a yandere.

I’d resolved a huge worry too.

I became relaxed and happy.

Even dragged him to a movie.

After much selection, I chose an inspirational film whose title and poster looked especially positive.

Watching for a while, I sighed.

It was actually a melodramatic romance wearing an inspirational disguise.

But the leads were attractive, so I still enjoyed it.

Jiang Shu, however, slouched in his seat and complained practically every time he sipped his milk tea.

After talking to himself for a while and seeing me still fixed on the screen, he leaned closer.

“Could you pay attention to me?”

I finally glanced at him.

“The mood’s good. Can you complain after it’s over?”

He snorted unhappily.

“If you keep ignoring me, I’ll fall asleep.”

He rested his chin on my shoulder.

“This movie’s really boring. Instead of watching it, you might as well—”

The leads were about to kiss.

I immediately interrupted.

“Wait. Don’t talk.”

He did stop.

Just as I was about to smile in relief, a hand covered both my eyes.

The warm touch and sudden darkness stunned me.

Instinctively, I turned toward him.

“What are you doing?”

Even without seeing, I knew he was smiling.

“Can’t watch. Not suitable for children.”

Me: …

Are you trying to make me laugh?

What storms hadn’t I weathered?

I’d even read smut about myself!

…Oh, heavens. Of all the things to remember, why that?

I suddenly stiffened.

Indescribable words flashed involuntarily through my mind.

Why did I remember so clearly after only skimming once?

Why didn’t vocabulary work like that?

Suppressing the strange feeling, I demanded, “Why can you watch when I can’t?”

“I’m not watching. I’m looking at you.”

Me: …

The moment he said that, his gaze seemed almost physical.

Together with his breath, it wrapped tightly around me.

Everything felt wrong, even my lashes fluttering restlessly beneath his palm.

He’d only said something casually!

Little heart, why were you jumping again?

After sitting stiffly a moment, I finally pulled his hand away.

He withdrew it, raising his eyebrows in surprise.

“You really stopped watching? I thought you’d pull my hand off immediately.”

Feigning composure, I said, “I suddenly realized you’re right. This movie isn’t worth watching. I’ll stop watching for now. Going to the restroom first.”

My flight might have looked pathetic.

But at least abandoning a bad movie decisively and cutting my losses was also very cool.

14

Something was wrong with me.

Why did seeing him sometimes fill my head with indescribable words?

I sounded like a dirty old lecher.

The pervert was me all along?

Walking home, the sky completely dark, I quietly looked at Jiang Shu beside me.

He gazed into the distant night, overlapping neon reflected in his eyes.

His expression was faint, unreadable.

I sighed inwardly and looked away.

After several repetitions, he stepped in front of me, bent down, and met my eyes.

“Do you know how creepy that looks?”

“What’s creepy? What’s wrong with looking at you a few times?”

He studied me.

“Definitely something wrong.”

I sighed and lied without blinking.

“Fine. You’ve gotten more handsome lately, and I don’t want to believe it.”

He didn’t seem convinced.

“Really?”

I sighed again.

“Fine. Actually, I wanted to ask what you want to do in the future.”

Perhaps startled by the abrupt subject change, he paused.

“Ah. Haven’t decided.”

I’d suddenly remembered that in the original future, Jiang Shu became a doctor.

If a novel devoted to smut specifically mentioned the protagonist’s profession, it certainly wasn’t simple.

In that book, Doctor Jiang Shu knew which drugs could leave a person unable to resist, at someone else’s mercy, or even compliant and actively pleading.

His knowledge of the body also taught him how to make someone unable to stop, utterly overwhelmed.

Haha.

He certainly knew how to play.

Not the point.

Right. The point was that being a doctor was difficult and exhausting.

He’d better choose another career.

“How haven’t you decided? Think. What interests you normally?”

He considered.

“…Gaming?”

I considered too.

“Then you could be a gaming streamer?”

“I was joking. Why take it seriously?”

He smiled slightly.

“I remember writing in an essay as a child that I wanted to be a doctor.”

Fine. He was consistent.

Childhood dreams in essays were usually police officer, doctor, teacher, and the like.

Mostly because those professions were easy to write about.

Hardly any of those children actually fulfilled those dreams.

Unexpectedly, Jiang Shu counted.

I offered a very reasonable opinion.

“A doctor is good. Just a bit difficult, a bit exhausting, and a bit busy…”

“Then what do you think I should do?”

Ah.

Asked so suddenly, I couldn’t name anything.

So I smiled.

“I believe you’ll do well at anything.”

Clever me.

Jiang Shu looked quite pleased.

“What do you want to do?”

I thought.

“Become a journalist.”

“I want to interview all kinds of people, record many, many people’s voices, and use my words and language to help people know and understand society better.”

He looked at me for a long time.

His eyes seemed full of light, leaving me momentarily dazed.

Finally, he smiled.

“Then let’s both work hard, Classmate Lin Miao.”

15

After a whole summer of tutoring, I felt excellent and floated into high school.

Yes.

I still dreamed of becoming a study god.

One day, while I worked toward that goal, several girlfriends from class ran over to drag me to watch basketball.

So I brought my vocabulary book and leaned over the railing with them.

I memorized words, occasionally agreeing with their remarks.

“Lin Miao?”

A girl suddenly approached, calling my name with apparent surprise.

Looking up, I recognized another classmate and greeted her.

“Why aren’t you watching downstairs?” she asked.

The view was certainly clearer below.

Many people surrounded the court, occasionally bursting into cheers.

The atmosphere was boiling.

So was the temperature.

…Besides, I wasn’t really here for basketball.

“It’s so hot down there.”

She looked as though she wanted to say something.

Puzzled, I asked, “What?”

She leaned toward my ear and whispered, “But isn’t your boyfriend playing?”

Me: “Huh?”

My friends: “Huh?!”

Why was your reaction bigger than mine?

No, how did you hear something so quiet?

Friend One: “You have a boyfriend?!”

Friend Two: “You actually have a boyfriend?!”

Friend Three: “When did you get a boyfriend?!”

I didn’t. I hadn’t. Stop talking nonsense…

Seriously, how had they heard?

Shocked, I looked at the girl.

“Sis, what’s going on? Where’d I get a boyfriend?”

Good grief.

Only two months into school, and I already had rumors?

She pointed.

“The one in the white jersey. Isn’t he?”

I followed her gesture…

Oh, Jiang Shu.

Then fine.

Rumors about us had circulated since childhood.

…No. Not fine.

Friend One: “Scared me. Good thing it really is Jiang Shu.”

Friend Two: “Knew it was him. Lin Miao still won’t admit it.”

Friend Three: “See? Now it’s not just us.”

Me: …

Weakly, I said, “We’re really just good friends.”

At least for now, okay!

Friend One: “What a scumbag woman’s line.”

Friend Two: “Dear, good girls mustn’t be players.”

Friend Three: “Too narrow-minded. She’s obviously afraid of getting caught dating too early.”

Me: …

It had begun during military training at the start of school, when Jiang Shu often came to see me during breaks.

Once they discovered we went to school and home together, they became even more excited.

Righteously, I scolded them.

“Do I look like someone who’d date early? My eyes hold only studying!”

Friend One: “Yes. Why wouldn’t you?”

Friend Two: “Has no one told you that you have a first-love face?”

Friend Three: “Studying’s only your big darling. Shouldn’t you have a little darling too?”

Me: …

Couldn’t win.

Really couldn’t.

One against three, I’d fought them for two months with little effect.

Later, I understood.

They didn’t particularly care what our relationship actually was.

They just wanted to ship us.

Scary.

Scary.

16

The first semester of high school ended.

Winter break arrived.

At New Year, I went to Jiang Shu’s balcony to wait for fireworks.

He stuffed an enormous plush toy into my arms.

“New Year’s present.”

My arms full, I was still overwhelmed by the favor when he added, “Do I get one?”

Ah.

We hadn’t agreed on New Year’s gifts before.

Didn’t we simply finish each other’s oddly shaped dumplings?

I blinked.

“Uh… you didn’t say to prepare one?”

He looked toward the black sky.

A few scattered stars reflected in his eyes.

Pressing his lips together, he asked, “Then can I ask for one now?”

Holding the plush, I looked at him, then the sky, and joked, “You don’t want the stars, do you?”

He smiled and shook his head.

“I don’t want stars.”

I smiled too.

“Then what?”

His lips moved.

“I…”

A firework suddenly burst across the sky.

Brilliant, dazzling, lighting the night like day.

For an instant, everything seemed terribly loud.

And terribly quiet.

Suddenly, I couldn’t quite smile.

The fireworks had barely begun before I lost interest.

Tugging Jiang Shu’s sleeve, I pulled him into the living room.

I sat on the sofa with the plush and looked up.

“What did you say you wanted?”

He looked at me.

“My mom’s birthday is coming. I want to cook for her myself. Could you help?”

His expression was normal.

His tone couldn’t have been more natural.

But he was lying.

He thought I hadn’t heard.

I had.

He’d said, “I want to keep calling you Miaomiao.”

Hearing that made me sad.

I involuntarily remembered that evening by the river.

His reddened eyes, how hurt he’d been, yet still thinking of me.

I even remembered the book’s Jiang Shu: obsessive and twisted, but also so unfortunate and pitiful.

He stood by the balcony, countless fireworks blooming behind him.

Before him, the living room’s warm yellow light.

Yet standing there, he looked so dejected to me.

I set the plush aside, stood, and pulled him to sit with me.

“A-Shu.”

He stared.

“…You haven’t called me that in a while.”

“That time doesn’t count.”

I looked at him seriously.

“I made mistakes during that time and hurt someone important. Now I sincerely want to make up for them. I don’t know whether that person will give me the chance.”

I held his hand.

“A-Shu, will you?”

His gaze instantly softened, light with expectation.

“Miaomiao… can I keep calling you that?”

I gave him a huge smile.

“Of course. Let’s go figure out what to cook for your mom.”

However.

Warmth one moment.

Disaster the next.

I might have been excellent at cooking instant river-snail noodles.

Stir-frying, not so much.

Jiang Shu?

Ha.

Worse than me.

Our mistakes sent oil splattering everywhere.

The scallions meant to add fragrance burned.

His hand shook, dumping nearly half a bottle of soy sauce into the wok.

Then we discovered it wasn’t soy sauce, but vinegar…

After screaming and flailing in the kitchen, we produced a dark dish with a mysterious smell, impossible even to look at.

I told him, “Your mom might be so moved she beats you up.”

Jiang Shu: …

In the end, on her birthday, he cooked her a bowl of longevity noodles.

17

Near the start of school, Jiang Shu arranged to play basketball with friends.

Before leaving, he told me he’d be the coolest guy on the court.

Then, while playing, he fractured his arm.

So he became the coolest guy in the hospital.

Heaven and earth could witness: I truly felt sorry for him.

But after the initial heartache passed, looking at the thick cast and bandages on his right arm, his drooping eyelids, and his pitiful, life-has-no-meaning expression…

I unkindly laughed.

Not only laughed.

Fake-cried while laughing.

“Yingyingying, you’re so miserable, so pitiful.”

He raised his other arm and mercilessly pinched my face.

Good grief. Any harder and I’d really have cried.

His father shared my attitude.

First concerned.

Then, once that passed, scolding.

“Basketball, basketball. Were you playing basketball, or was basketball playing you? Never a moment’s peace! School’s about to start and you pull this…”

The more he scolded, the more enthusiastic he became.

He almost dug through Jiang Shu’s entire embarrassing history.

His eyes even looked…

Nostalgic?

Jiang Shu silently looked at me.

His eyes spelled out “absurd.”

Mine replied, “Hang in there, bro.”

Finally, his father snorted heavily.

“Until that arm fully heals, I’ll drive you to and from school.”

“I can still bike.”

“How, with your arm like that?”

“One-handed.”

Jiang-shushu slapped him on his dog head.

“Enough, little ancestor. Want matching fractures? Break the other arm too?”

I leaned toward Jiang Shu’s ear.

“I’ll save my bicycle’s back seat for you?”

He turned toward me.

“Dream on. Impossible.”

Then he snorted.

“I can take the bus, can’t I?”

He wasn’t simply opposing his father.

His father was busy and often worked overtime.

Daily school runs would be inconvenient.

“No. I don’t trust it.”

Time for Nicholas Lin Miao to step forward.

I volunteered.

“I’ll go with him. I promise to look after him.”

18

This should have been a moving story of a helpful girl assisting a boy physically injured but strong in spirit.

Yes.

So helpful and considerate was I that, worried carrying a heavy bag on one shoulder would hurt him, I carried both heavy schoolbags myself.

But one morning, on the way to the bus stop, perhaps I missed a patch of ice.

Or perhaps I was just unlucky.

Either way, my foot slipped.

When I reacted, I was already on the ground.

Jiang Shu was startled.

“Are you okay? Did it hurt?”

Deep winter, I was bundled thickly.

With one bag in front and another behind, I even resembled a ball.

So it didn’t hurt much.

But for precisely that reason, dragged down by two heavy bags, I felt…

Getting up might be difficult.

After a brief silence, I said, “Doesn’t hurt. Just… I don’t think I can get up.”

I tried.

Sure enough, failed.

Jiang Shu unkindly laughed.

Yes, you read that correctly.

He laughed.

And didn’t stop.

Exactly like I’d laughed at him.

Was this fortune’s wheel turning?

Don’t ask.

The answer was regret.

Laughing, he pulled my hand to lift me.

But whether his left hand lacked strength or he’d spent it all laughing, he couldn’t manage it.

So, on a nearly deserted street after six in the morning, a bizarre scene appeared.

Me lying like an idiot, still hugging a schoolbag.

Jiang Shu looking even more idiotic, laughing nonstop beside me.

Was this the death of humanity or the collapse of morality?

Finally, he abandoned pulling me up directly.

Instead, he stripped both bags off and tossed them aside.

Good.

No need for him now.

I climbed up myself.

Dusting my down coat, I picked up both bags and brushed them too.

Then noticed he was still laughing.

Expressionless, I asked, “What exactly are you laughing at?”

“Hahaha. Nothing.”

“Is it that funny?”

“Hahaha. No.”

“…If I speak to you again today, I’m a dog.”

His laughter instantly stopped.

“Seriously? That harsh?”

I gave a vigorous “Hmph” and pattered away in my little boots.

On the bus, I drew the curtain and leaned against the window, eyes closed.

Beside me, Jiang Shu said, “Why lean on the window? Hard and cold. Lean on me.”

…Hmph. See whether I answer.

“Miaomiao?”

No reaction.

“You’re really ignoring me?”

Nicholas Lin Miao kept her word!

“I was wrong.”

His voice softened.

“I shouldn’t have laughed.”

Hmph. Only realizing now?

Too late.

At least wait until we’re off the bus before I forgive you.

I kept resting my eyes.

“If you keep ignoring me, don’t blame me for using my ultimate move.”

Ha.

Would Nicholas Lin Miao fear you?

Then he leaned by my ear and called “Miaomiao” again and again in every unimaginable tone.

Goosebumps rose all over me.

…Fine.

I was afraid.

Lowering my voice, I said, “Stop calling. Think you’re a cat?”

He brightened.

“You said you were a puppy.”

Me: …

Receiving my nuclear-friendly gaze, he immediately corrected himself.

“My mistake. I’m the puppy. Woof.”

Me: …

“Great Nicholas Lin Miao, please pay attention to this poor little puppy?”

Me: …

With sound evidence, I suspected his next words would be “yingyingying.”

Jiang Shu, did you know your characterization from the book had collapsed like mountains and split like earth?

But I liked it.

19

In second-year high school, we divided into arts and sciences.

Jiang Shu chose sciences.

I chose arts.

Even our buildings were separate.

But it didn’t change much.

We hadn’t been in the same class before anyway. (smile)

One girlfriend ran from the science building to ours every day.

I’d thought she couldn’t bear leaving us.

Turns out she couldn’t bear leaving her ship.

“I’ve seen loads of arts girls go to the science building just to look at Jiang Shu. Someone might steal him any day. Why haven’t you won him over?”

As though I could simply decide to win him.

Honestly, we were together so much that we certainly looked like a couple.

But we’d grown up together.

It had always been this way.

With a relationship like that, it was hard to distinguish habit and dependence from romantic love.

…As Nicholas Lin Miao, I’d even read the smut.

How could I lack confidence?

Be confident.

He felt both.

More confidence.

He’d definitely confess after the college entrance exam.

Ahem.

I could confess too.

I smiled without noticing.

“You’re still smiling?”

She stared in shock, then understanding dawned.

“I get it. You’ve already won him over?”

Good grief.

You understood again.

Then she insisted on dragging me around the science building.

“You have to stake your claim!”

…My sovereignty isn’t established yet, sis.

Shouldn’t we follow the steps?

Who was I?

Where was I?

What was I doing?

At Jiang Shu’s classroom door, I pondered those three questions.

How had I accidentally walked here?

What would I say if he asked why I’d come?

More questions appeared.

…Forget it.

Maybe he wasn’t even inside.

I peeked through the doorway.

Unfortunately, I spotted him immediately.

Seated by the window, he propped his chin in one hand and looked out, eyes half closed.

Maybe dozing.

Then the classmate behind tapped his shoulder and leaned closer to say something.

He yawned, visibly reluctant to engage, yet lazily turned.

After listening with his head tilted, he apparently found something amusing.

Sparks of laughter entered his eyes.

Finally, he curved them and laughed with everyone around him.

Sunlight scattered over him.

Watching, I felt he was excessively dazzling.

Even the light became a supporting character.

So beautiful you hardly dared look.

Yet couldn’t resist stealing another glance.

No wonder girls came especially to see him.

That face, that smile.

After so many years, I still wanted to look.

Then I remembered my girlfriend was lurking nearby.

Fine.

Since I was here, I should call him out and talk.

…But what exactly was my reason?

Thinking a moment, inspiration struck.

A boy was entering.

I quickly stopped him.

“Classmate, could you call Jiang Shu for me?”

He stopped and looked at me.

“What do you need?”

“To borrow a book.”

Such a legitimate reason!

Let’s say I’d forgotten my English book.

But he frowned.

“Another book borrower?”

He sounded impatient.

“Jiang Shu isn’t a textbook wholesale market.”

Me: …

Fine.

Still too naive.

That excuse had been used to death.

Forget it. Retreat.

School was nearly over anyway.

I’d see him soon.

Seeing no intention to help, I could only save face by asking, “Then could I borrow yours? I really forgot my English book. I’ll return it after class.”

He hesitated.

“…Fine.”

I thanked him and watched him go inside.

But as my gaze entered the room, I saw Jiang Shu turn and look at me without blinking.

“Miaomiao?”

He seemed surprised and pleased.

“What brings you here?”

Watching him approach, I felt happy.

And a tiny bit awkward.

Feigning composure, I said, “Borrowing a book.”

Naturally, he assumed I meant his.

“Which one?”

Meanwhile, the boy had fetched his book and stood blankly in the doorway.

Great. More awkward.

“I’ve already borrowed one…”

Jiang Shu looked toward the boy, eyebrow raised.

The boy looked back.

Question marks seemed to fill both their gazes.

The scene was…

Odd.

Suppressing embarrassment, I reached for the English book.

“Thank you so much, classmate…”

Jiang Shu suddenly stopped me.

Easily extracting the book from my hand, he leisurely patted it against the boy’s chest and smiled.

“Thanks, bro. But she should borrow mine. Easier to return.”

The boy glanced between us, said, “Sure,” with an ambiguous smile, and went inside.

What a loss.

I’d said thank you twice.

Jiang Shu fetched his book.

Handing it over, he asked, “You know him?”

Casual tone.

Apparently an idle question.

Who knew whether he felt that way inside?

I suddenly wanted to tease him.

“What if I said I came specifically for him?”

He didn’t seem to believe it.

“Do you know his name?”

I pretended regret.

“I was about to.”

“You wanted to?”

His rising tone sounded rather accusatory.

Then he switched to looking wronged.

“You’ve never come specifically to see me!”

Ha.

I didn’t care.

He was jealous.

Smiling, I said, “Didn’t I this time?”

Only after hearing the whole story did his expression ease.

Then he asked, “And in the future?”

I didn’t understand at first.

“What?”

“Come see me.”

“Well… my memory isn’t so bad that I’ll keep forgetting books.”

Even this time, I hadn’t…

He looked displeased.

“You’ll only come to borrow books?”

What other reason should I use?

Admiring your beauty?

Finally, looking at him, I understood.

Why need a reason?

I want to see you.

I don’t need a reason.

20

I’d once thought Jiang Shu’s looks would be wasted if he didn’t attract flowers and grass.

Then he really did.

And it was a flower on a high peak.

The class next door had a school-beauty-level girl.

I’d seen her.

Outstanding in every way.

Crucially, she had a lovely personality too.

Despite growing up surrounded by admirers, she was entirely unarrogant and approachable.

Recently, for some reason, she’d apparently taken a fancy to Jiang Shu.

And boldly confessed directly.

My science-building girlfriend vividly recounted all their gossip, every version imaginable.

My sense of danger shot upward.

I reflected: if I’d confessed earlier, what chance would she have had?

Fine.

People shouldn’t be too confident.

Thinking carefully, Jiang Shu had never said he liked me.

Though I thought “I LIKE YOU” was practically written on his face, that could be wishful thinking.

Even in the smut, where he loved me desperately, perhaps he only loved me because I’d accompanied him through darkness.

I’d gotten carried away.

Definitely.

Actually, I probably didn’t dare tell him directly that I liked him.

I was cowardly.

That was why I admired the girl’s courage.

I didn’t dare gamble.

To her, Jiang Shu was only one particularly dazzling boy she’d encountered in youth.

She’d surely meet many dazzling people.

She herself had brightened other people’s years.

Even missing this chance, someone so excellent could pick things up and let them go.

I was different.

I couldn’t let go.

Jiang Shu was different to me.

He occupied almost my entire life so far.

Over a decade of its most beautiful years.

Even the slightest chance of failure frightened me.

Because I knew that if I lost, I couldn’t let go.

After much thinking, I finally gathered courage to ask after school.

While pretending it was casual.

“A-Shu, I heard a very pretty girl confessed to you?”

He’d just bought milk tea.

Handing mine over with the straw inserted, he admitted it directly.

“Yeah.”

At least he hadn’t accepted immediately.

Otherwise, what business did I have here, drinking tea he’d bought?

Feigning calm, I sipped and asked indistinctly, “We’re together all day. Doesn’t anyone misunderstand?”

He paused.

“…They all think you’re my younger cousin.”

Good.

Any harder and I’d crush the milk tea.

“And what did you tell her?”

Another pause.

“…I’d think about it.”

Good.

Fortunately, I’d stopped drinking and was holding the cup by then.

Otherwise, it would’ve spilled.

Think about it?

You dared think about it?

Though I wanted to smash his dog head in, reason reminded me that as his good friend, good bro, “cousin,” and someone with “no improper intentions toward him,” I could be excited only because my friend might stop being single.

I consoled myself.

Only thinking.

Maybe there was some hidden meaning?

Outwardly puzzled, inwardly expectant, I asked, “Why think about it?”

He looked at me and sighed.

“My parents don’t allow early dating.”

Me: …

I really wanted to smash his dog head in.

How should I answer?

Then forget it, studying comes first?

Would that turn into “what you can’t have always stirs the heart,” with Jiang Shu giving up his first love under parental pressure, only for her to become increasingly engraved on his heart as white moonlight?

No.

Couldn’t allow that.

Then: Be bold, bro. Hide it well and they’ll never know?

Great.

Then they’d simply get together!

Where would that leave me?

Not necessarily.

If he really liked her, would he care whether his parents permitted it?

If he wanted to hide it, the biggest risk was probably me.

Not right either.

He might not date early, but that only meant not early!

Had they already promised to get together after the college entrance exam?

Perhaps even to attend the same university?

My thoughts twisted a thousand times.

Fine.

No matter how I thought, there was no place for me.

“Miaomiao,” Jiang Shu called. “Why are you spacing out?”

Looking at his serious expression as he watched me, I had a bold idea.

I cradled the milk tea again.

“I’m thinking for you. Thinking what you should do.”

And what I should do.

He seemed expectant.

“And what did you conclude?”

I smiled.

“You can’t be cowardly.”

“If someone I liked confessed, I’d definitely get together with him. Who cares whether it’s early dating?”

He fell silent for an instant.

“…You like someone?”

Good.

Caught you.

Logically, he should be considering his own romance, not whether I liked someone.

Of course, that wasn’t certain.

So I added, “To be honest, yes.”

“Who?”

I watched him carefully.

Yet in those beautiful eyes, I saw only curiosity.

Hm???

Had I guessed wrong?

I could still struggle.

“You think I’ll tell you?”

He raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t believe you can hide it forever. I’ll find out eventually.”

…Fine.

Apparently, I’d have to hide it forever.

No.

One more struggle.

I took a deep breath.

“Actually, you have a chance to know right now. Let’s both be bold. You get together with her, and I’ll confess to him.”

He said nothing for a while, looking at me darkly, apparently thinking.

Then, expressionless, he asked, “What if your confession fails, you get upset and seek revenge on society, and tell my parents about me?”

Me: …

Why did I feel like a class enemy?

Finished.

I had no hope.

Powerless, I said, “If I betray you, may heaven strike me with lightning.”

In that instant, I’d even prepared the excuse: “Actually, I don’t like anyone. I only said that to give you a push.”

So what if they dated?

Maybe they’d break up in a few days!

Jiang Shu didn’t seem to like her that much.

Maybe beauty had temporarily bewitched him!

Damn it. Even that hurt!

My face was calm.

Even resolute.

Inside, I’d already begun, “I’m sorry for being human.”

Jiang Shu sighed.

“Forget it.”

I paused.

“Forget what?”

He actually smiled.

“To prevent you getting struck by lightning, I’ve decided to sacrifice my love.”

Me: ?

A development I hadn’t foreseen.

My heart held every flavor.

“…You make it sound as though I broke you up.”

“You didn’t.”

Eyes lowered, Jiang Shu walked forward.

“I rejected her at the start.”

Me: ??

I nearly lost my mind.

“Then why lie to me?”

“Didn’t you lie to me?”

He bent closer.

“Do you really like someone?”

…Yes.

Really.

Looking at his face before me, I still felt powerless.

After hesitating, I said, “Fine. No. I lied.”

He smiled ambiguously.

“But it seems quite a few people like you.”

Me: ???

When?

In some parallel world I didn’t know about?

So far, I’d been confessed to exactly once, in first-year high school.

I could only say, “Really? Too busy studying to notice.”

Quickly, establish my top-student persona.

He gave a quiet scoff.

“Your eyes really hold only studying.”

Profoundly, I said, “Only by studying hard do my eyes earn the right to hold more.”

This was me.

Nicholas Lin Miao.

Life mentor of a new generation.

“…So,” Jiang Shu looked down at me, “you definitely won’t date early?”

Me: …

Forced into an expression of having seen through worldly desires, I said, “Men only slow down my problem-solving.”

21

I’d only just declared that men slowed my problem-solving.

Love could only make me cry.

Studying could make me happy.

Unexpectedly, a few days later, I was forced into early dating.

It was a sunny, breezy afternoon.

Jiang Shu and I walked out of school.

Schoolbag on his back, he stepped along the raised curb like an elementary-schooler crossing a single-log bridge.

I teased him.

“Reliving childhood?”

A roundabout way of calling him childish.

Unexpectedly, he said, “Yeah. Remember when we always walked up here as kids? I’d go ahead and you couldn’t catch me.”

Me: …

Relive it if you like.

Why bring up my embarrassing past?

Fortunately, he didn’t mention the worse part.

Once, hurrying to catch him, I’d missed my step and fallen.

After that, he stopped walking ahead.

He stayed behind, watching me inch forward.

It must have been hard on him.

He could run faster up there than I could on flat ground.

I lightly caught the hem of his uniform and smiled.

“Run now. See whether I can catch you.”

Jiang Shu smiled too and was about to speak when someone called his name.

The voice was impressively loud.

Many people turned.

He instinctively looked back, apparently forgetting he was still on the curb.

And that I held his clothes.

So the next second, he tilted, fell off the curb, and lunged straight toward me.

Only grabbing both my shoulders steadied him.

I staggered backward.

Already startled by the shout, I was startled again by his sudden collision.

Silently, I looked at the uniform hem in my hand.

Good grief.

Why did it look as though I’d pulled him into my arms?

If only I had that boldness…

Fine.

I’d interpret it as Jiang Shu throwing himself at me.

He stared blankly, hands still on my shoulders, apparently dazed.

Only when the boy who’d called him approached and called again did he recover.

The boy seemed surprised by the scene.

He looked at me, then Jiang Shu.

“…This classmate is?”

Nicholas Lin Miao, at your service.

Fine, he hadn’t asked me.

I hoped Jiang Shu would make me sound impressive.

Instead of releasing me, Jiang Shu moved his right hand behind my back and hooked an arm around my shoulders.

Smiling at the boy, he said, “Lin Miao. My girlfriend.”

Me: …

Fine.

Definitely impressive.

But why hug your girlfriend like a bro?

Also, when?

Exactly when?

Did some parallel world actually exist?

I stared at him in shock.

Meeting my gaze, he held me tighter.

The pressure seemed to signal something.

I could only cooperate, smiling outside and utterly confused within.

After we said goodbye, I asked, “What’s going on?”

Jiang Shu released me.

His gaze lowered to my neck as he straightened my uniform collar.

“After what you said last time, I thought carefully. We really should study first.”

I looked at him approvingly.

“Excellent. Very enlightened.”

But what did that have to do with his behavior?

He continued.

“However, this world is too crazy. I’m only seventeen, and already so many people seem interested in me. Others keep trying to set me up.”

Me: …

“After learning how free of desire you were, with eyes only for studying, I had a brilliant idea.”

“…Meaning I pretend to be your girlfriend, block romantic advances, and let you study peacefully?”

He nodded.

Me: …

No wonder.

No wonder he cared whether I liked someone or would date early.

This was what he’d been waiting for.

Perhaps my expression wasn’t good.

He pressed his lips together and asked nervously, “You don’t want to?”

I shook my head.

I just briefly felt as though I’d gained love on the surface while losing it in reality.

Fuck.

Too tragic.

His lips seemed to press tighter.

“Of course I won’t ask you to help for nothing. Whatever you want from now on, I’ll do my best to bring it to you…”

Words like that invited misunderstanding.

Until when was “from now on”?

Anything I wanted?

Then, A-Shu, I want you.

For a lifetime.

Would you bring yourself to me?

Forget it.

Saying it would scare him.

Besides, there was “do my best.”

Good grief.

That was the truly brilliant part.

Calm down.

There was still hope.

I occupied the title, enjoyed the so-called financial benefits, and traveled with him every day…

Apart from kissing, hugging, and holding hands, wasn’t it practically a real relationship?

Be more optimistic.

Jiang Shu definitely couldn’t tell whether I liked him.

But I did.

I wasn’t sure whether he liked me either.

So…

He might!

Watching him grow more uneasy with my silence, I became more convinced.

A little smile appeared.

“Sounds like a good deal…”

He paused, then winked and smiled.

“Help me. Please?”

Perhaps it was my filter, but I felt he was acting spoiled.

My smile deepened.

“All right. I’ll help.”

Help you, and you bring yourself to me.

Very good deal. :)

22

Afterward, surrounded by my girlfriends, I calmly said, “Yes, we have an… Ahem. We’re dating.”

Friend One: “Mom, my ship is real!”

Friend Two: “I knew my shipping instincts were never wrong!”

Friend Three: “When are you getting married?”

Me: ?

Good grief.

Only afterward did another question occur to me.

Looking at Jiang Shu, who insisted on taking me shopping, I asked, “Do you know you’re pretty famous at school?”

“Not really,” he said with false modesty, bringing a pair of bracelets before me.

“Miaomiao, are these nice?”

I glanced.

Black and white, a good design.

Copying him directly, I said, “Not really.”

Then returned to my question.

“Do you know I’m pretty well known among the teachers too?”

He smiled.

“Mm. Miaomiao’s excellent.”

Ahem.

Embarrassing.

I smiled briefly, then immediately grew serious.

“Our early dating seems pretty famous too. I think we’ll soon be invited to the office for tea.”

“It’s fine.”

He didn’t seem worried.

“They don’t dare crack down too hard on this. Too hard, and it causes problems.”

He picked up another style.

“What about these?”

Again, a pair.

“Why are they all two? Wouldn’t one on each wrist look odd?”

Jiang Shu: …

He gave me a caring look.

“Miaomiao, they’re couple bracelets.”

Me: …

Ah.

You make me look stupid.

How could I imagine you’d buy couple accessories?

In the end, he bought the original black-and-white pair.

After fastening mine, he looked at my wrist for a moment and smiled.

“Wear this when we go for tea in the office.”

…Young man, you’re brave.

Sure enough, a few days later, we were invited.

Seeing the solemn setup, I leaned toward Jiang Shu’s ear.

“Should we tell the truth?”

He smiled and whispered back.

“Try it?”

Immediately, a teacher scolded, “Still being lovey-dovey even in the office?!”

Ah.

I straightened.

“Actually…”

I explained the truth.

No one believed it.

“Lin Miao, don’t take your teachers for fools. You’re even wearing couple bracelets.”

Ah.

I coughed and looked toward Jiang Shu, signaling for him to speak.

After considering, he pointed out that they were worried about the harms of early dating.

“But, teachers, I haven’t noticed any harm.”

Innocent face.

Sincere gaze.

“You may not know that Lin Miao and I grew up together. We’ve always been together all these years. I’ve watched her all this time. My eyes have no room for anyone else.”

First: exaggeration, paired with a resolute gaze, to establish unshakable love.

“She has always loved studying and worked hard. To keep up, I had to work hard too. Without her urging and help, I might never have gotten into this high school.”

Second: exaggeration again, demonstrating progress through pursuing love.

“And it doesn’t distract me. Every day, seeing her makes me happy. My study stress eases. I’m full of energy and feel I can solve lots more problems.”

Fine.

More exagger—

Actually, this felt like inventing something from nothing.

But it didn’t stop me putting myself in the scene and laughing wildly inside.

Finally, he said, “And after being together so long, we’ll be sensible before adulthood. Normally, we only hold hands and hug.”

Oh?

When would you hold hands and hug with me?

Ahem.

Honestly, if I were a teacher, I’d have been moved.

Unfortunately, the teachers had weathered every storm.

However beautifully Jiang Shu spoke, we still couldn’t escape having our parents summoned.

After discussing it, we decided to take things as they came.

At worst, tell the truth.

After dinner that evening, I coughed toward my parents watching TV on the sofa.

“Um, my homeroom teacher wants you to come to school tomorrow.”

They turned, puzzled.

“Why? What did you do?”

“First, promise not to hit me.”

They exchanged grave looks.

“Tell us. We can take it.”

I swallowed.

“I’m dating early.”

My parents: …

A brief silence.

Then my mother gave a shocked, “Huh?”

My father slapped the sofa.

“Which little brat dared make a move on you?!”

“…Jiang Shu.”

My parents: …

Another brief silence.

Then, together—

“Oh. Then it’s fine.”

Me: ?

And somehow, my parents and Jiang Shu’s parents began a friendly discussion.

I quietly asked him, “You didn’t tell them the truth either?”

Chin propped in his hand, he watched them laughing and chatting.

“They seem pretty happy.”

I looked at him.

“You seem happy too.”

He smiled.

“So do you.”

Of course.

Survived a disaster. How could I not be happy?

Finally, the parents looked at us lovingly.

“Don’t worry. We’ll handle the school.”

Me: …

Truly, good grief.

23

Becoming Jiang Shu’s nominal girlfriend didn’t seem to change my life much.

Perhaps only that, before other people, he’d hold my hand.

Otherwise, not much difference.

But that was already good.

Preparing for the college entrance exam was the priority.

Many things could wait until afterward.

Fortunately, both our grades remained steady.

Until the exam ended, everything seemed fine.

Afterward, however, I was anxious.

Afraid he’d announce a public breakup and restore his single status.

Yet days passed, and he didn’t mention it.

Nor did he confess.

Watching him happily game, I sadly wondered whether he’d simply forgotten.

Or assumed our relationship automatically expired when the exam ended?

I decided to charge ahead.

Confess.

That was the plan.

But it needed careful preparation.

And we had several class gatherings after the exam.

So I hadn’t found the chance.

Results came out the day before my eighteenth birthday.

Roughly as we’d expected.

Jiang Shu scored a few points higher.

Not enough for Tsinghua or Peking University, but enough for other top domestic universities.

Looking at the results, he said nothing about his own score.

Instead, he smiled and praised mine, saying I’d exceeded expectations in math.

Then he curled up on my sofa to game again.

Probably pent-up after a whole final year without it.

Holding a plate of strawberries, I sat beside him.

I wanted to ask something, but seeing how absorbed he was, decided to wait.

Putting a strawberry in my mouth, I asked indistinctly, “Want some?”

“Mm.”

Still looking at the screen, he naturally opened his mouth toward me.

I took a strawberry, removed its leaves, then looked between the fruit and leaves.

Mischievously, I stuffed the leaves into his mouth.

His bite paused.

A leaf between his lips, he turned and raised an eyebrow.

“Hm?”

I smiled.

“My fault. I wasn’t clear. I was asking whether you wanted strawberry leaves.”

He smiled too, drew the leaf into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

“All right. You eat strawberries. I’ll eat leaves.”

…Ah.

That move was flashier than anything in his game.

Admitting defeat, I diligently fed him strawberries.

But even after the plate was empty, he kept gaming enthusiastically.

Finally, he looked at it and asked, “Can I have more?”

Hilarious.

He’d eaten nearly the whole plate.

Since when did he like strawberries this much?

Very kindly, I asked, “Could you stop gaming first?”

He immediately put down the phone.

“Yes.”

…Ah.

Why did he never follow the script?

“…Then you still can’t have more.”

He sighed regretfully.

“Fine.”

I seized the chance.

“I want to ask something.”

“What I’m giving you for your birthday?”

His lips lifted.

“You’ll know tomorrow.”

“Not that… Which university are you planning on?”

He paused, thought for a while, and answered, “University A.”

Ah.

My score couldn’t reach its threshold.

Even Jiang Shu could only get into a lower-cutoff major.

Forcing composure, I asked, “What would you study there?”

“Computing,” he said. “Its electronic information program is famous. My score isn’t enough for that major, but they allow transfers. Pass the exam, and I can switch.”

“Isn’t… isn’t that too much trouble? I think University B is great. I’m planning on it. Its computing program is pretty good too.”

“B’s computing is average. Its medical school is excellent, though.”

I took a deep breath.

“Didn’t you say you wanted to be a doctor?”

“I did.”

Jiang Shu stretched.

“But didn’t you say doctors work hard and get exhausted?”

Me: …

Was this lifting a brick to smash my own foot?

Regret.

Only regret.

Good grief.

I’d meant to use this topic to confess.

Instead, this?

So our relationship really did automatically end after the exam?

…Should I abandon B and choose a university in his city?

Wouldn’t that be too obvious?

Practically telling him I liked him.

But he seemed…

Not to like me.

The more I thought, the angrier and sadder I grew.

“Why did you stop talking?” he asked, puzzled.

I snapped, “Just keep playing your game.”

He actually said, “Oh. All right.”

Me: ???

All right?

I felt even worse.

Before, the slightest unhappiness in me made him terribly nervous.

I looked at Jiang Shu.

His face wasn’t as childish or soft as before.

His jaw was defined, his features distinct, even a little sharp.

Sometimes, when he looked down, he hid every trace of emotion in his eyes.

He’d grown up.

His world would grow larger too.

He couldn’t keep devoting so much thought to someone who might be unimportant in his future.

Thanks. That stabbed.

Pah.

What nonsense was I imagining?

Nicholas Lin Miao dared declare: however grown-up Jiang Shu became, he’d always be a goofball.

But that goofball might drift farther and farther from me.

…Ah.

As it turned out, once you started stabbing yourself, you couldn’t stop.

24

Today was my birthday.

I should have been happy.

Instead, the birthday girl had dark circles and an utterly dejected air.

Jiang Shu looked surprised.

“What’s wrong?”

Haha.

Don’t you have any fucking idea who’s responsible?

Fine. He genuinely didn’t.

I sighed.

“Stayed up reading tragedy. Felt awful all night.”

Concerned, he asked, “…Are you okay?”

I yawned.

“Fine. Already recovered.”

Some people say they’re fine on the surface.

Then secretly pour alcohol into themselves at their birthday celebration that night.

Yes.

Me.

By the end, I didn’t know whether I was drunk.

If I was, I knew clearly what I was doing.

If I wasn’t, I didn’t know why I’d do those things.

Jiang Shu tentatively called, “Miaomiao?”

Slowly, I turned.

“What?”

He gently pinched my cheek.

“You’re drunk. Go rest first, okay?”

I frowned and shook my head hard.

“You… where’s the present you promised?”

Helplessly, he said, “I’ll give it to you tomorrow when you’re sober. For now, be good. Wash up and sleep, all right?”

Like coaxing a child.

Then…

This baby wouldn’t stand on ceremony.

I caught his hand and looked pitifully at him.

“Could you give me yourself?”

Alcohol really did lend courage.

He held my hand in return and smiled softly.

“All right.”

Ten thousand fireworks seemed to explode in my heart.

Then I remembered both our parents were beside us.

Fine.

Perhaps he was only saying it for them.

After all, they thought we were still boyfriend and girlfriend.

I instantly wilted, withdrawing my hand.

“…I’ll wash up.”

Had I been completely sober, I’d probably have washed, wrapped myself in a blanket, and gone miserably to sleep.

But drunk me changed into pajamas, lay staring at the ceiling for a while, then climbed out again.

In the living room, Jiang Shu was helping clear the table.

Seeing me, he asked, “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“Can’t.”

“Then sit on the sofa and watch TV, or use your phone. I’ll come play with you when I’m done.”

Really treating me as a child?

Play with me?

Hmph. My phone was much more fun!

I swore I really thought that.

But after drinking, my thoughts and actions weren’t synchronized.

So I sat cross-legged on the sofa and watched Jiang Shu without blinking.

Until he finished, washed his hands, came over, sat, and rubbed my head.

I stared blankly.

Perhaps my expression was particularly dull.

He waved one finger before me.

“How many?”

Me: …

I didn’t answer.

Because I felt he was treating me as an idiot.

Yet my silence apparently convinced him I really was stupid.

Pointing at himself, he asked, “Still recognize me?”

Me: …

I played along.

“Who are you?”

He smiled.

“Your boyfriend.”

…But that was fake.

“I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“You do. Jiang Shu. An invincibly handsome man.”

Me: …

Good grief.

Not remotely modest.

I picked up the phone he’d set aside.

“I want to game.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“Which one?”

“The one you always play.”

Logging into his account, I meant to play against bots.

Accidentally, I selected ranked.

I looked at him.

“It’s fine,” he said. “Play.”

In three short minutes, I was 0–4.

Propping his chin, he watched.

“I might get reported.”

I defended myself.

“I’m just reacting slowly because I’ve been drinking!”

He chuckled.

“All right. Keep going.”

I stuffed the phone into his hands.

“Not fun at all. Done.”

“Don’t be angry. Watch me win it back.”

Under his control, the score gradually became 10–4.

Teammates spammed question marks in the lower-left chat, marveling that it was like a different player.

Correct.

It was.

Victory was almost ours.

Jiang Shu was on a killing spree, attacking anyone he saw.

Then, in a moment of inattention, the enemy backdoored our base.

The sound of our crystal exploding came so unexpectedly it almost caused a heart attack.

Staring at the enormous “DEFEAT,” Jiang Shu briefly couldn’t believe it.

“Fuck. No martial virtue.”

I desperately wanted to laugh wildly.

But kindly comforted him instead.

“My fault. Shouldn’t have selected ranked.”

He immediately smiled again.

“Then how will you compensate me?”

…I was only being polite.

And you climbed right up my nose.

Smiling too, I said, “Then shall I play another round for you?”

He nodded.

“Sure.”

Me: …

Why never follow the script?

Afterward, I felt the alcohol rise again.

I couldn’t quite remember all the stupid things I told him.

Apparently, I exposed many things I’d previously hidden.

Like digging up his old edgy, adolescent status posts, showing his parents, and laughing together.

We rambled until ten.

His parents had long gone home.

Mine had gone upstairs to sleep.

Helplessly, Jiang Shu said, “It’s ten, little ancestor.”

Still excited from alcohol, I announced, “I want to sing.”

Leaning toward his ear, I whispered, “Secret: I’m a really good singer.”

He whispered back, “Secret: right now, you look like a little idiot.”

I glared unhappily.

“You’re the idiot.”

Then I thought of something, my mind seeming to drift far away.

“I’m not an idiot. Don’t stop playing with me.”

Jiang Shu paused and looked at me tenderly.

“Whatever you want to play, I’ll join you.”

“Really?”

Delighted, I said, “Then listen to me sing.”

I proceeded to sing off-key, inventing lyrics at random, for about an hour.

Perhaps tortured beyond endurance by my demonic voice, Jiang Shu finally couldn’t take it.

Even his eyes looked pitiful.

“Finished? Go to sleep.”

He nearly added, “I’m begging.”

I refused to grant his wish.

“You’re weak. It’s only eleven.”

He stared.

“Staying up makes you ugly.”

“I won’t get ugly. I’m a fairy.”

Leaning closer, I added, “Another secret. I can fly.”

He was silent a moment.

“…Then show me?”

I stood, jumped onto the sofa, and looked down at him.

“See? I flew.”

Jiang Shu: …

Apparently shocked by my performance, he stared for a long time.

I waved a hand before his eyes.

“A-Shu?”

Finally recovering, he stood and seemed to draw a deep breath.

“You can only fly once?”

“Who says? I can fly lots of times.”

I bounced on the sofa again.

He put his hands on my shoulders, lips lifting.

“Fly again?”

I bounced, then discovered his pressure kept me down.

“Let go.”

“No.”

I struggled with his hands.

Couldn’t break free.

Angrily, I lowered my head to bite one.

He seemed not to notice my intention and didn’t dodge.

But I couldn’t bear to really bite.

Touching his hand, I used no strength.

Only smeared saliva across its back.

“…Were you trying to bite me?”

He looked at his hand, tone peculiar.

“So what? Bite me back if you don’t like it.”

He stared for a long time.

His gaze made me feel he really might.

I involuntarily stepped backward.

“Surely not? I didn’t really bite…”

After a while, he sighed.

His hands slowly moved from my shoulders to support my thighs.

He lifted me straight up and carried me toward my room, his tone somewhat firm.

“Be good. Go to sleep.”

For some reason, his voice was a little hoarse.

Hands on his shoulders, I looked at his beautiful eyes, straight nose, and…

His lips were close.

Moist, with a rosy tint.

Drunkenness surged again, making me dizzy.

And unleashing the beast in my heart.

I leaned forward and kissed him.

In that instant, I felt I’d finally achieved something.

What happened afterward?

The next morning, lying in bed with a faint headache, I pondered deeply.

Had Jiang Shu kissed me back?

Or, frightened, thrown me onto the bed and run?

Had I cried later?

What miserable nonsense.

Forget it.

I’d kissed him.

I’d already thrown caution away.

Whatever happened, there had to be a resolution.

Even if he avoided me or ended our friendship, I’d accept it.

I’d only hurt for a while!

What was the big deal?

At least I’d gotten the kiss. Not a total loss!

Only my head hurt too much to remember how it felt.

Fine.

A catastrophic loss.

I sat up, rubbed my temples, and searched for my phone.

After ages, I realized I’d probably left it in the living room.

Just as I was about to get out of bed, Jiang Shu pushed the door open.

My breath caught.

Could pretending I remembered nothing still save me?

“Awake?”

He approached, expression completely normal, and handed me warm water.

“Head still hurt?”

I began wondering whether kissing him had only been a dream.

Taking a deep breath, I accepted the water and drank.

“Not too bad now.”

He watched me for a while.

“Nothing you want to ask?”

My grip tightened around the cup.

“…Oh, right. My birthday present? Didn’t you say you’d give it to me today?”

“So you remember what happened after you got drunk.”

Setting the cup aside, I feigned composure.

“Some things. Not others.”

He smiled.

“Remember kissing me?”

Ah.

That direct?

So I was direct too.

“Fine. Cards on the table. I like you. I’ve always had improper designs on you. Yesterday I couldn’t control my feelings. It’s happened now. Tell me what you want to do.”

Don’t be shy.

I’d take responsibility.

His smile deepened.

Bracing his hands beside my ears, as though enclosing me in his arms, he said, “Two choices. Become my real girlfriend, or let me kiss you back.”

Did he think I was stupid?

Was there any choice?

Obviously the first!

But I should be reserved.

So, after pretending to think briefly, I said, “The first, then.”

“Little fool.”

He chuckled and rubbed my already messy hair into a greater mess.

“Miaomiao, you’re an adult now. At a time like this, you should say, ‘I want both.’”

His lips covered mine.

First a light bite, licking and kissing.

Then he parted my teeth and entered freely, exploring my mouth and entwining the tip of my tongue.

So this was how it felt.

My heart swelled full.

Every inch of skin longed for his warmth, unwilling to part.

Hazily, I felt he might have kissed me this way yesterday too.

Only more awkwardly, urgently, recklessly.

“Miaomiao…”

He released my lips and called my name, tenderness gathering in his eyes.

Breathing lightly, I asked, “Did… did you already kiss me back yesterday?”

Not remotely embarrassed, he smiled.

“Of course. You were so forward. How could I remain unmoved?”

He leaned closer again, cupping my face.

“If you feel cheated, shall I let you kiss me back?”

Me: …

Good grief.

Never imagined you were this kind of person.

I’d always thought you so innocent.

“Then why did I cry later?”

He thought.

“Maybe I used too much force and hurt you.”

…What dangerous words.

I nodded.

“I get it. Your kissing skills were terrible.”

He winked.

“Then shall we practice?”

Ah.

Not impossible.

Wait.

Another question.

I reached up and pinched his face hard.

“I haven’t asked yet. Still going to University A?”

“I lied.”

Catching my troublesome hand, he squeezed my palm and brought it to his lips for a kiss.

“I planned to confess on your birthday. A scare first, then a surprise.”

Oh, this dog of a man.

Fine.

Remembering how badly I’d hurt him before, I decided not to hold it against him.

I threw myself into his arms.

“Have you liked me for a long time?”

He held me, lips beside my ear.

“Yes. I’ve wanted you for a long time.”

“If you hadn’t said you wouldn’t date early, you’d have been mine long ago.”

Ah.

Had I known, I’d have forcibly kissed him long ago too.

Why wait until now?

Fortunately, it still wasn’t too late.

In the end, we came together.

Without the book’s separation through life and death.

Without its dark schemes.

Our wishes fulfilled.

Everyone happy.