What Was the Most Heart-Wrenching Moment of Your Secret Crush?

I had a secret crush on our campus heartthrob, and he knew it perfectly well.

When he went to the movies with other girls, he invited me along.

When they went on dates, he called me in the middle of the night and told me to bring things to their hotel.

People called me a simp, but I remained willing and dutiful.

Until one day, I suddenly stopped liking him.

University A’s resident bad-boy heartthrob, Zhou Chen, was in love with an older student, Bai Shan.

He had once pursued her with great fanfare, only to be ruthlessly rejected.

After Bai Shan graduated, Zhou Chen’s private life became a complete mess.

One day he would be with one woman; the next, he would have his arm around another.

Without exception, though, they all looked a little like Bai Shan.

In Zhou Chen’s second year, a girl named Lu Zhi began following him around.

Everyone noticed her, not only because she resembled Bai Shan, but, more importantly, because she had stayed by Zhou Chen’s side the longest.

Whenever her name came up, everyone’s verdict was the same: How could anyone be such a simp?

That girl they called a simp was me.

(1)

“Lu Zhi, I want a cola.”

“Okay.” I nodded.

I had just stood up when he added, “She wants one too.”

I looked over. He was pointing at the girl in his arms.

“Got it.”

I had barely turned and taken two steps before laughter broke out behind me.

“Holy shit, she’s that obedient?”

“Zhou Chen, damn. What kind of magic potion did you feed her?”

“Awesome. Zhou Chen, you’re my die.”

Translator’s note: Die = Dad (old-school way of saying it). Calling someone your die is how you worship them online.

I paused for only a moment, then hurried out of earshot.

Before long, I returned to the basketball court.

Zhou Chen had just stopped playing. I went over and handed him the two bottles of soda. Without a word, he took them, turned around, and gave them to the girl he had been holding earlier.

The boys around us all looked at me with pity.

I was used to those looks. I returned to my seat and watched them play.

As the sun sank toward the west, Zhou Chen and the others got ready to leave. I packed up my things and followed them.

“Lu Zhi,” Zhou Chen called.

I already knew what he wanted. I took a lollipop out of my bag and gave it to him.

We had reached a fork in the path, so I went a different way.

After a couple of steps, I looked back.

Zhou Chen unwrapped the lollipop and touched it to the girl’s lips. Then he bent down and kissed her, drawing teasing calls from everyone around them.

I saw Zhou Chen glance up at me. The corners of his mouth lifted, and he deepened the kiss.

When it was over, he put his arm around the girl and walked on.

I watched them turn the corner and disappear, then finally moved my feet and headed back to the dorm.

(2)

“Hello?”

I had been reading when my phone rang. Seeing “Zhou Chen” on the screen, I answered.

“Lu Zhi, Li Xue and I got a hotel room, but we didn’t bring one of those. Go buy one for me.”

I froze for a moment and checked the time. It was already nine forty at night.

“Now?” I asked.

“Forget it if it’s inconvenient.”

He sounded ready to hang up.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“Room 5025, ×× Hotel.”

“Got it.”

I put on some clothes and was about to leave when Meng Li, my childhood friend and best friend, called out, “Little Mouse.”

“What?”

She opened her mouth, then closed it. After doing that several times, she sighed.

“I’ll come with you.”

She quickly pulled on something and went out with me.

There was a convenience store right downstairs from the hotel Zhou Chen had named. I went in and bought a box of those things. Then Meng Li and I entered the hotel, went up to the fifth floor, found room 5025, and knocked.

Zhou Chen opened the door a moment later. He looked extremely impatient and had already taken off his shirt. He took the box from my hand and shut the door.

He hadn’t said a single word to me.

“Hey, that son of a bitch!”

Meng Li looked ready to pound on the door and give Zhou Chen a beating.

I caught her hand. “Let’s go.”

She stopped and went outside with me.

While we waited for a car, I sat on a stone bollard. Meng Li stood in front of me and asked, “Little Mouse, you know perfectly well…”

“Lili, let it go.”

I cut her off. She said nothing more, only sighed and stroked my head.

(3)

One of Zhou Chen’s friends, Gu Qu, had started dating my roommate Zhao Lin. They arranged to go to karaoke over the weekend.

But my roommate would be the only girl in that group, so she asked whether I could go with her.

I thought about it and agreed.

When Gu Qu came to pick Zhao Lin up that weekend, he paused at the sight of me, then gave me a friendly smile.

I sat in the front so the couple could sit together in the back.

We soon arrived at the karaoke place.

Getting out, I saw that a crowd had already gathered by the entrance. Zhou Chen was tall and exceptionally good-looking, the kind of person you spotted immediately in a crowd.

The group looked over, laughing and joking. Their laughter grew louder when they saw me. Among the comments were things like, “She even followed him here? How much more of a simp can she be?”

Zhao Lin tugged my hand, her face full of regret.

I patted her hand to show that it was all right.

We went inside. Once we reached the private room, Zhao Lin sat beside Gu Qu.

I sat at the far end. Someone asked whether I wanted a drink, and I declined.

Everyone was having a good time, talking and laughing. Occasionally, someone belted out a song with their voice cracking, making the whole room double over.

I sat to one side, watching Zhou Chen in the middle of the group.

His hair hung down over the bare space around his brows. Everyone had pushed a lot of alcohol on him, and he was already a little tipsy, a faintly dazed look on his face. A small mole sat to the right of the bridge of his nose. Dark blue light fell across his features.

He looked more and more like that person…

(4)

When it was over, everyone scattered.

Zhou Chen was clearly drunk enough to be barely conscious. He staggered as he walked, and the boy helping him was rather careless.

Following behind, I watched Zhou Chen walk into a wall for the third time. A patch on his forehead had visibly reddened. I hurried over and told the boy, “Let me.”

“Huh? Sure.”

The boy looked at me, then handed Zhou Chen over.

Everyone else wore an “I get it” expression.

Another boy and I carefully supported Zhou Chen between us.

We finally made it outside. One of Zhou Chen’s friends was bargaining with a taxi driver while I stood behind them, holding Zhou Chen up. When it became clear that they weren’t reaching an agreement, the boy helping me went over to assist.

With him gone, I was the only one supporting Zhou Chen. Zhou Chen leaned most of his weight on me, and I barely kept my balance.

I looked up at him. His medium-length hair concealed his sharp brows and eyes, making him look very gentle just then.

There was still a red patch in the middle of his forehead, probably where he had hit the wall.

I watched for a while, then couldn’t help reaching up to stroke that swollen patch and the mole beside his nose.

A gust of cold wind cleared my head. I looked at Zhou Chen, then lowered my head with a bitter smile.

They seemed to have settled things up ahead. We took three taxis in all. Zhou Chen and his group were going to a hotel.

Zhao Lin and I went back to school with Gu Qu, who couldn’t stop worrying about her.

I handed Zhou Chen to his friend, turned around, and got into the car.

I opened the window and rested my head on my hand, watching the scenery along the road. Behind me, Gu Qu and Zhao Lin laughed and fooled around.

The cold wind blew against me, but it could no longer clear my head.

Song Yuanshan, I miss you so much…

(5)

I lived the life other people called “being a simp.” By the time I looked back, I was already a third-year student. As Zhou Chen’s reputation spread, mine spread with it.

The days slipped past in an instant.

Before I knew it, the May Day holiday had arrived. I packed my luggage and went back to our hometown, City C, with Meng Li.

Dad arrived at the station early and drove us home.

Meng Li’s family and mine were neighbors, separated by a lane only three meters wide.

When Meng Li got out, her parents thanked my dad and invited him to eat with them. He smiled and declined, saying dinner was already waiting at home.

I opened the door to our familiar home and felt as though I could smell the scent of home itself.

That afternoon, Dad went fishing with his friends. I stayed home and helped Mom water her flowers. She was extremely interested in plants and had filled the balcony with all sorts of flowers and greenery.

We chatted as I watered them. Somehow, Mom brought up my dark history as a good-for-nothing high school student. I was embarrassed enough to dig a three-bedroom apartment out of the floor with my toes.

“Speaking of which, we really owe Song-laoshi. Ah, I wonder where he is now…”

Translator’s note: Laoshi = teacher. Song-laoshi is just Teacher Song.

She sighed.

I froze on the spot, still holding the watering can in position while my thoughts drifted clear across the Atlantic.

“My flowers!”

Mom snatched the can from my hand.

I looked down. Apparently, I had watered the new flowers so much that they were beginning to wilt.

Mom waved me off. “Go, go, go.”

Then she chased me off the balcony.

I returned to my room, lay down on the bed, and stared blankly at the ceiling for a long time…

(6)

After the holiday, I went back to school.

Quite unlike his usual self, Zhou Chen sought me out and asked whether I wanted to see a movie.

I froze, looked up at him, and only then agreed.

It wasn’t until Saturday that I learned he hadn’t invited only me.

With his arm around a girl I had never seen before, he held two tickets and handed a third to me.

Inside the theater, I discovered that their seats were together at the far end of the row in front of mine. I sat behind them.

The lights went out and the movie began. I could hear the two people in front flirting and the smacking sounds of their kisses. Since Zhou Chen was diagonally in front of me, I could even see him reaching inside the girl’s clothes.

I gave a quiet sigh and looked up at the screen.

It was a romance made up of several short stories. Some were interesting; others were only passable.

When I started paying attention, the story about an older woman and a younger man was just ending, and the next one began.

It was about a romance between a teacher and a student. The girl loved the man, and he loved her too. But because they were teacher and student, their relationship could only be described as complicated and full of twists.

The ending took place six years later, in a classroom. There were no students, only a bespectacled man grading papers at the front.

“Teacher.”

The camera shifted to the classroom door. A prettily dressed young woman entered and stood beside him.

“What is it?” he asked softly, smiling.

“I love you.”

She wrapped her arms around him.

“I love you too.”

He hugged her back.

Then it ended, and the next story began.

But I couldn’t come back to myself for a long time.

I thought of someone. His hair was neither long nor short, and he wore thin-framed glasses. He liked white shirts and blue pants. Whenever you stood close to him, you could smell a faint trace of Chinese herbal medicine.

(7)

On the way back, I followed the two of them in a daze.

“Oh!”

I looked over. Zhou Chen had fallen, and the girl was trying to help him up.

I watched them numbly for a moment. Only when Zhou Chen raised his head and I saw blood flowing from a new wound by his eyebrow did I snap out of it.

I went over and helped the girl get him to his feet. For no reason I could explain, panic rose in my chest.

“Let’s go back. It’s only a little cut.”

“No!”

For the first time, I contradicted him. I looked up and stared at Zhou Chen, and he stared back.

After a moment, he looked away.

“All right.”

We went to a nearby clinic. I hadn’t expected such a small-looking wound to need stitches.

When I saw Zhou Chen again, I realized my panic hadn’t been without reason.

There was now a scar about three centimeters long by his eyebrow. It gave him an added air of hostility.

He looked very different from the person in my memory…

“He doesn’t look much like Song Yuanshan anymore.”

For a while, those were the only words turning over and over in my head.

“Aren’t you leaving?”

Zhou Chen looked at me impatiently.

“Huh? Oh.”

For the first time, I turned and left without the slightest reluctance.

(8)

At first, I walked a few steps. Then I began to run.

I ran for a long time, stopping only when my legs were too exhausted to move.

I found myself on a bridge, with people passing all around me.

The summer evening breeze was cool and pleasant. Bracing both hands on the railing, I realized something.

No one would ever be exactly like Song Yuanshan.

I buried my face in my folded arms. For a while, I couldn’t even tell what I was feeling.

I didn’t know how much time had passed before my phone rang. I saw that it was Meng Li and answered.

“Hello.”

“Hello? Oh my god, Little Mouse, you scared me to death. I went for a walk around the sports field and happened to see that bastard Zhou Chen coming back. I waited and waited, but you never showed up. I thought some pervert had snatched you.”

“I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Chotto matte! Where are you now?”

“Um… Chongfeng Bridge. Why?”

I opened ×× Maps to check the bridge’s name.

“Wait for me. I’m not far away. I was so fucking scared something had really happened to you, I came out looking for you in my slippers.”

“Okay.”

She made me laugh. But when I turned my head, I saw someone on the other side of the bridge.

For a moment, I couldn’t tell whether it was real or an illusion.

He wore a white shirt and blue pants, no different from the person in my memory.

He was walking toward the end of the bridge. I ran toward the end on my side, following his direction.

I didn’t know where the strength came from. A moment ago, I could barely feel my legs, yet now I was still chasing him with all my might.

At the end of the bridge, I was just about to head toward him when a group of middle-aged women in pink outfits approached, each holding a fan.

He disappeared into the crowd. I panicked. The word “Song” had barely escaped my mouth when, as though he could sense me, he turned and looked my way.

He wore the same thin-framed glasses as always. His brows and eyes were gentle, and there was a small mole beside his straight nose.

Then he gave me a faint smile.

That familiar smile made me want to cry in an instant.

“Little Mouse!”

Meng Li’s voice came from the other side. I looked back and saw her shuffling toward me in her slippers.

“Lili! I…”

I smiled and pointed toward Song Yuanshan so she could see, only to find that he was already gone.

“What is it?”

“I… I just saw Song Yuanshan.”

I wanted to run after him and look, but Meng Li caught my arm.

“Let’s go back first.”

“I… I really…”

I stopped.

Suddenly, I wondered whether it had only been an illusion.

(9)

When I was sixteen, I was in my second year of high school.

Between my weak foundations and my love of Mary Sue romance novels, my grades plummeted. My name was always among those at the very bottom.

Dad decided this couldn’t go on. The family business happened to have made some money, so he went all out and hired me a tutor.

Could I agree to that?

Of course not.

School was exhausting enough already, and now a tutor was going to rob me of my leisure time too.

So I ran, escaped, and climbed out windows.

One bright, sunny afternoon, Dad dragged me home by the ear while I clutched an unopened copy of The Overbearing Prince and the Iceberg Princess.

That was also the day I first met Song Yuanshan.

He sat on the sofa in a patterned shirt and black pants, holding the tea Mom had made. When he saw me, he smiled gently.

But I was in my rebellious phase then, thoroughly poisoned by Mary Sue novels. My ideal man was handsome and domineering, someone who would pin me against a wall and say, “Woman, you can’t escape.” I scoffed at men like Song Yuanshan and looked down on them.

“Tch.”

I had forgotten that my ear was still in my dear old father’s hand. The instant that “tch” left my mouth, his grip tightened sharply. I nearly dropped to my knees and begged for mercy.

“Ow, ow, ow! Dad, Die, daddy, gentler, gentler…”

“Sorry you had to see that, Song-laoshi.”

Dad let go and walked over to Song Yuanshan.

Song Yuanshan rose, bowed slightly, and shook his hand.

“Get over here!” Dad turned and barked fiercely at me, then turned back to Song Yuanshan with a smile.

It was the first time I realized how quickly my father could change faces.

I went over and reluctantly said, “I’ll be in your care from now on, Song-laoshi.”

“And I’ll be in yours,” Song Yuanshan replied with a smile.

Sunlight fell through the window onto his face. Both he and the sunlight were impossibly gentle.

(10)

A friend of Dad’s had recommended Song Yuanshan. He came to tutor me from ten in the morning until three in the afternoon on Saturdays and Sundays.

During that time, still unwilling to give up, I had a cordial and friendly discussion with Mom.

“Song Yuanshan has just graduated from university. He’s young and knowledgeable. What more do you want?”

“Mom, I’m not refusing tutoring for my own sake. I’m doing it for you.”

“Oh?”

My dear mother glanced at me.

“Let’s hear it.”

“I’m doing it for this family. Song-laoshi’s lessons can’t be cheap. If I don’t take them, won’t I save the family a huge amount of money?”

“Lu Zhi, about that… I’ll have to discuss it with my eighteen-year-old boyfriend.”

“Huh? Where did you get an eighteen-year-old boyfriend? Would Dad agree to that?”

I was completely bewildered.

“I don’t have one. So there’s nothing to discuss.”

She stood and returned to her room. Before leaving, she tossed out one more casual remark.

“Say another word and I’ll cut off your allowance.”

She left me alone, drawing circles in my misery.

(11)

And so my tutoring career began.

On his first day teaching me, Song Yuanshan asked me several questions about the basics.

At first, I was quite brazen about it, but the longer it went on, the more guilty I felt.

If it had been Meng Li, she would have been poking my forehead and calling me stupid by then.

But Song Yuanshan said nothing. He quickly wrote a great deal in a notebook, then pushed it toward me and asked me to read through it first.

Whenever I came across something I didn’t understand and was just about to frown, Song Yuanshan spoke up and explained in detail what to do.

I seriously suspected him of having some kind of mind-reading ability.

Not that I disliked it.

With his help, my grades really did improve a lot.

My parents were delighted too. You could tell by the way they greeted Song Yuanshan: like rural officials welcoming an inspecting leader, so enthusiastic I barely recognized them.

“Xiao Zhi, pour Song-laoshi some water.”

“Xiao Zhi, get Song-laoshi an apple.”

“Xiao Zhi, I just bought some bread. Take it to Song-laoshi.”

Looking at the bread I wasn’t going to get to eat, I wondered: Who am I? Where am I?

Was Song Yuanshan their biological child instead?

I carried the bread into the room.

Perhaps falling for someone when you’re young happens in a single instant.

For example, when Song Yuanshan heard me at the door, looked up, and smiled, his voice so gentle.

“You’re back?”

“Huh? Ah… Mm.”

I lowered my head, at a loss, because I could feel my heart speeding up.

(12)

“Why?!”

I lay over my desk, raging helplessly.

“You’re asking me?”

Meng Li glanced sideways at me with an ice pop in her mouth.

“Ah…” I sighed. “I just don’t get it. I see him every day. I should be used to him by now. Why did my heart suddenly flutter at that particular moment?”

“Who knows? Maybe because you’re young.”

Then Meng Li asked, “So what are you going to do? Tell your mom you’ve fallen for Song Yuanshan and have her fire him?”

“How could I? If I told her, I’d be afraid she’d kick me out for profaning Song Yuanshan.”

“Tch. I bet that reason only accounts for twenty percent. The other eighty percent is that you can’t bear to part with him, right?”

“I… I… I guess… that really is it…”

“Then are you going to confess?”

I sat up and looked at her.

“Song Yuanshan always gives me this feeling. How do I put it? He’s smiling at you, but you feel as though he’s very far away. Ugh, I don’t know how to describe it.”

“Cool and distant?”

“Something like that.”

“Don’t fall too deeply.”

She patted my head.

“Mm.”

(13)

In the second semester of my second year of high school, I happened to learn Song Yuanshan’s birthday.

Yes, exactly.

In my one-sided enthusiasm, I wanted to give him a birthday present.

But I pondered for ages and watched him closely, yet still couldn’t figure out what he liked.

He seemed to like everything, and at the same time, nothing.

That really stumped me.

So I decided that nothing could be more reliable than asking the man himself.

“Song-laoshi.”

“Mm? What is it?”

“Is there anything you like?”

He paused and adjusted his glasses.

“Why are you suddenly asking?”

“I… I just… Suddenly. Yes, suddenly.”

I stammered for a while, then wanted to beat myself to death for that answer.

Song Yuanshan looked out the window and said nothing for a moment.

I thought my question had been too abrupt. Just as I was about to tell him to forget it, he spoke.

“Fireflies.”

“Huh?”

“I rather like fireflies.”

He smiled faintly at me.

I thought I saw a trace of nostalgia in his eyes.

Great! I thought.

(14)

Great, my ass.

Easy to say, hard to do.

I had lived in City C for so long and had never even seen a firefly.

What was I supposed to do…?

While I was racking my brains, a classmate told me he had seen fireflies on the hill behind our school.

I was moved to tears with gratitude.

They called it the hill behind school, but it was really just a little slope. You could reach the top in ten minutes.

Meng Li and I staked it out for three days. Finally, on the fourth, we saw fireflies.

The day after tomorrow was Sunday, and Song Yuanshan’s birthday.

When he came to tutor me the next day, my stupid brain finally remembered.

“Song-laoshi, are you free tomorrow evening?”

“Mm. Why?”

He answered very quickly.

“I’d like to take you somewhere.”

“All right.”

He paused, then nodded.

I did find it a little strange. Didn’t people normally have someone keeping them company on their birthday?

But then I thought perhaps Song Yuanshan’s parents weren’t in City C.

The next day, I very happily caught a cold.

I stared at the drizzle outside the window.

I really wanted to swear.

“Do you still want to go?” Song Yuanshan asked softly.

“Yes.”

I got ready, told Mom, and went out.

Mom looked very worried about me. She took Song Yuanshan’s hand and gave him careful instructions for a while.

Song Yuanshan and I set off under an umbrella for the hill behind school.

He never asked where I was taking him.

Fortunately, by the time we reached the hill, the rain had nearly stopped.

But there wasn’t a firefly in sight.

“Song-laoshi, could you wait with me for a bit?”

I sniffled.

“All right.”

After a while, my cold began to make my head fuzzy, and I grew sleepy.

Just as I was trying to work out how to apologize to Song Yuanshan, a firefly drifted slowly past my eyes.

I perked up at once.

“Song-laoshi! Song-laoshi! A firefly! Achoo!”

I pointed at it excitedly.

“I see it.”

He looked at me with a smile, then came to stand beside me and gazed at the firefly.

I looked too. One glowing point after another appeared, like stars in the night sky.

I turned to Song Yuanshan. He was watching the fireflies with fondness and nostalgia in his eyes, a smile on his lips. Everything about him was so gentle. Only then did I feel I had truly come closer to him.

I clutched my poor little heart.

On the way back, having drunk in all that beauty and reached maximum excitement, I slipped and took a spectacular fall.

I scraped my skin and started bleeding. I choked speechlessly. All this trouble, just to win a beauty’s smile.

Seeing me limp along, apparently liable to injure myself again, Song Yuanshan took me onto his back.

Suddenly, I thought it had been worth it after all.

Damn it. That hateful beauty.

Lying on his back, I smelled the faint scent of Chinese herbal medicine on him. It made me feel very safe, and sleepiness rose with it.

“Song-laoshi, happy birthday.”

Once I had said it, I could no longer resist and fell asleep.

I remembered him seeming to answer, and also seeming not to.

(15)

It was the end of the second month of my first semester in the final year of high school.

After tutoring me, Song Yuanshan handed me a notebook filled with detailed notes.

“Lu Zhi, keep working hard.”

“Mm.”

I couldn’t have been happier, clutching that notebook.

When I saw him out, he suddenly raised his hand and stroked my head.

First I froze. Then I was practically bubbling with happiness.

He opened the door, looked back, and said gently, “Lu Zhi, goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Song-laoshi.”

Watching him leave, I suddenly had a bad feeling, though I couldn’t have said what it was.

I pushed down my uneasiness, thinking that I would see him again next week anyway.

But after that, I never saw him again.

(16)

I stopped going to see Zhou Chen.

Of course, perhaps because I had spent so long as his simp, people kept asking why I wasn’t following him anymore whenever I went to the cafeteria.

Usually, I ignored them. When Meng Li was with me and got tired of hearing it, she would snap, “None of your fucking business.”

Plenty of people also laughed and said I was playing hard to get, and that I would be trailing after Zhou Chen again in a few days.

Then one week passed. Two weeks. A month.

Everyone went from watching for a joke to discussing what on earth Zhou Chen had done.

Whenever Zhou Chen’s group got together, Zhao Lin would also quietly ask whether I wanted to come.

I smiled faintly and shook my head.

Back when I was his simp, if I didn’t seek Zhou Chen out, I almost never saw him anywhere except the sports field.

Who would have thought that once I stopped, I would see him everywhere?

He had different girls with him. Occasionally, our eyes met. I would smile and nod, and he would turn his head away and ignore me.

So I stopped greeting him too. Even when I saw him, I acted as though I hadn’t.

And then, when I stopped looking for him, he came looking for me.

(17)

Meng Li and I went downstairs together and saw Zhou Chen beside the path outside our dorm.

He was squatting by the lawn. His expressionless face, combined with the scar at his eyebrow, made him look quite fierce.

I assumed he was waiting for some girl, so Meng Li and I walked past.

Then he spoke.

“Lu Zhi…”

“Me?”

Bewildered, I looked at Meng Li first. Only when she nodded did I turn to him.

“What is it?”

“You…”

He paused for a while, then said, “Nothing.”

“Oh.”

Since that was what he said, I simply left with Meng Li.

The next day, on our way to the cafeteria, we saw him squatting by the lawn again.

“Lu Zhi…”

His voice drifted over.

“Do you need something?”

I was utterly confused.

“Nothing…”

The third day, the fourth, the fifth…

I began to feel a little frightened. Every time I passed Zhou Chen, he called out with a rather gloomy look and a listless voice.

When I asked whether he needed something, he said no.

“How did I not know there was something wrong with him before…?”

Back in the dorm, I asked Meng Li very seriously.

Her expression was a little complicated.

“Now you know, right?”

“I thought you were joking when you said he was sick in the head.”

“Didn’t expect it to be true, did you?”

“Mm.”

I nodded in agreement.

(18)

I stayed in the dorm for several days, getting Meng Li to bring my meals.

But I thought, This isn’t going to solve the problem.

Meng Li said she hadn’t seen Zhou Chen for two days, so I decided to go downstairs with her.

Who knew that the moment we got down, we would see him squatting there again?

Honestly, it scared me.

I took a deep breath and walked up to him.

“Zhou Chen, are you really okay?”

“I’m fine.”

He stood, glanced at me, and said, “I just have a question.”

“Ask.”

Why didn’t you say so sooner? I thought.

“I…”

He hesitated.

“Did the scar make me ugly?”

“…No.”

I answered honestly.

“Then… then why did you…”

He scratched his head.

“Why did I what?”

“Why did you stop pursuing me?”

Now it was my turn to be left in complete disarray. It took me ages to find my voice.

“Huh?”

“I asked why you stopped pursuing me.”

He looked a little angry, but repeated it anyway.

“Don’t… don’t you dislike me?”

“Yes, I do. But… however… so…”

After struggling for a while, he finally flew into a humiliated temper.

“Forget it!”

I stood rooted to the spot, as baffled as someone trying to pat the head of a ten-foot monk.

(19)

Instinct told me something was wrong.

For example, this was the sixth time I had run into Zhou Chen in the cafeteria in the past few days.

Once again, claiming that the girl he was meeting didn’t like it, he forced a bottle of milk into my hand. Without listening to what I had to say, he turned and left.

I looked at Meng Li. She looked back, equally troubled.

A thought surfaced in my mind.

“Lili, don’t tell me he’s fallen for me?”

“It looks like it…”

“Why?”

I thought about it for ages without coming up with a reason.

“Maybe… he just likes being treated badly.”

After thinking for a long time, that was Meng Li’s conclusion.

(20)

I had no idea where Zhou Chen was getting his information about me.

From that day on, whenever I left the dorm, I could see him anywhere. Then I would be forced to accept something from him: sometimes candy, sometimes cookies, sometimes a drink.

I told him I didn’t need those things, but he kept doing whatever he wanted.

I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away, probably because Zhou Chen’s brows and eyes still looked a little like Song Yuanshan’s.

I took them back and gave them to my roommates. Let the whole dorm benefit.

A semester passed like that.

Zhou Chen and I were still famous figures at University A. We had merely exchanged roles.

When I asked Meng Li what to do for the nth time, she sighed.

“Little Mouse, if nothing else works, why don’t you give things a try with Zhou Chen?”

(21)

In the second semester of our third year, the university next door celebrated its centenary. They organized lots of activities and opened their gates to everyone.

Meng Li and I discussed it and decided to take a look.

As soon as we went in, we saw crowds of people.

There were all kinds of stalls, selling everything imaginable.

As Meng Li and I joined the fun, people even stuffed lots of slips of paper printed with WeChat QR codes into our hands.

We looked at each other and smiled helplessly.

There was even a homemade haunted house.

Of course, homemade or not, it was pretty frightening.

After that scare, I wandered around with Meng Li, carrying a bottle of water.

The farther into the campus we went, the quieter it became.

Other people’s campuses always seemed fresh and new, even though they were all schools.

I was looking down, fiddling with a little toy, when Meng Li suddenly stopped.

Puzzled, I saw her staring ahead in astonishment.

I wondered whether one of her ex-boyfriends went here.

Curious, I followed her gaze.

A white magnolia spread its branches, its white blossoms moving in the wind and giving off a faint fragrance. Someone stood beneath it.

Black hair. Thin-framed glasses perched on a straight nose. He had his head raised, quietly watching the white magnolia blossoms.

Perhaps noticing our gazes, he turned toward us, looking a little surprised too.

The familiar face made my eyes redden at once. A long time passed before I heard my own choked, strained voice.

“Song Yuanshan…”

(22)

I had imagined meeting Song Yuanshan again in all sorts of places.

Perhaps he would be alone, perhaps with a girlfriend, or perhaps his child would already be at his side.

I thought that if we really met, I couldn’t let him see how wretched I was.

I would pretend to be pleasantly surprised, as though I had met a friend I hadn’t seen for a long time. Smiling, I would tease, “It’s been ages, Song-laoshi. How have you been?”

I imagined ten thousand possibilities. But when I actually saw him, I realized all those earlier thoughts were bullshit.

Composure, delight, a beaming smile—all of it was false.

I watched Song Yuanshan walk toward me and, for a moment, couldn’t tell whether this was reality or an illusion.

He stopped a meter away and called my name in his usual gentle voice.

“Lu Zhi.”

Instinctively, I covered my mouth. I wanted to smile, but tears welled in my eyes instead.

My brain’s first reaction was that I hadn’t dressed very nicely today.

He wore a white shirt and blue pants, no different from my memory. He stood in front of me, close enough to touch if I reached out.

He smiled quietly, as though nothing had happened…

(23)

“Little Mouse. Little Mouse!”

Meng Li shook my shoulder hard.

Only then did I come back to myself and realize that I had been randomly patting my face with a cushion compact. My face now looked rather tragic.

I put the compact down and looked at Meng Li.

She looked back. After a long while, she pulled two tissues from the box on the table and handed them to me.

Tears were streaming down my face.

I took the tissues and wiped at my face haphazardly.

No one else was in the dorm, and neither of us spoke. The room was very quiet, broken only by my occasional sniffles.

When I stopped crying, Meng Li gently put her arms around me and patted my back.

“Take your makeup off and go to bed.”

“Mm.”

I nodded, removed my makeup, and climbed into bed to stare at the ceiling and wait for sleep.

I had just seen Song Yuanshan.

This time, my body had acted faster than my brain. Before I could decide what to do, my body had already reached out, grabbed Meng Li, and run.

Yes, I ran.

Halfway through, something possessed me to look back.

Song Yuanshan’s lips were moving, as though he was saying something.

I hadn’t understood then. Now, remembering it, I thought he had said, “I’m sorry.”

If you asked why I could remember even that, I wouldn’t be able to answer.

Perhaps because his lips were rosy and looked very kissable?

(24)

Lust comes first.

I admit I’m hopeless.

That weekend, I secretly went to see Song Yuanshan again.

Of course, I didn’t find him.

Only after asking around did I learn that, unless he had classes, he usually wasn’t on campus.

I felt a little unhappy.

Who would have thought that as soon as I left the gate, I would see Song Yuanshan across the road?

I froze for an instant, then hurriedly turned around and took a mirror out of my bag.

Mm, makeup okay. I smoothed my hair while I was at it.

When I turned back, Song Yuanshan had already come over.

He held three or four books, and the wind lifted the hem of his shirt. He seemed to have just been running. He was breathing hard; although he tried to control it, I could still hear.

“S-Song-laoshi…”

I forced a smile and pretended to be calm.

“Lu Zhi, what are you doing here?”

“Me? I… I was passing by.”

I awkwardly tucked the loose strands beside my face behind my ear.

He smiled at me as though he could tell I was lying.

I was embarrassed enough to dig a villa out of the ground with my toes.

“I… Then I’ll be going.”

I covered my face and ran.

Only after reaching the other side of the road did I come to my senses. Why was I acting so guilty? I hadn’t done anything wrong.

Busy regretting it, I failed to watch where I was going and collided with someone.

“Sorry, sorry.”

“Are you fucking bli… Lu Zhi?”

The person I had hit called my name.

His voice sounded familiar. I looked up and saw that it was Zhou Chen.

“What… what are you doing here?”

He scratched his head.

“Passing by.”

I hoped he wouldn’t ask any more.

And he really didn’t.

“Your hair’s messy.”

“Huh?”

I looked back and saw Song Yuanshan still standing at the campus gate, watching us. I was about to get my mirror from my bag when Zhou Chen raised his hand to fix my hair for me.

I froze, then quickly stepped away.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

His hand hung awkwardly in midair.

“I’ll buy you milk tea.”

“No, thank you.”

I didn’t know how to face him either. Feeling a little guilty, all I could say was, “I’m going now.”

I didn’t see Zhou Chen and Song Yuanshan looking at each other behind me for a while.

(25)

Meng Li found my behavior utterly incomprehensible, as demonstrated by the enormous eye roll she gave me.

I served her tea and water, not daring to speak.

She picked up her cup, took a sip, then set it down again. After a brief silence, she suddenly slapped the table.

“Lu Zhi!”

She gave me a terrible fright.

“Lili…”

I tugged her sleeve ingratiatingly.

“Let go.”

She shook off my hand and looked at me, sighing over and over.

At last, she said, “No one can decide what you do. But you need to understand it clearly yourself. Once you choose, don’t regret it.”

“Mm.”

“My husband’s words are always so wise. Ho ho ho.”

Fine. She had talked herself around.

(26)

I had asked around.

Song Yuanshan wasn’t seeing anyone.

But just in case, I still made a rigorous plan.

Of course, after typing only three words into my notes, I fell asleep.

While Meng Li and I were wandering around campus, we heard someone say a new teacher had arrived, and he was pretty good-looking.

“If only it were Song Yuanshan.”

Meng Li looked at me speechlessly.

“I’m starting to think Song Yuanshan put a curse on you.”

Meng Li wanted to visit the library, so I went with her.

I never expected to see Song Yuanshan at the entrance.

“Lili, did we come to the wrong university?”

“No.”

She hesitated.

“Little Mouse, are you sure Song Yuanshan isn’t a male witch?”

“He probably… isn’t?”

Looking at Song Yuanshan, I called uncertainly, “Song-laoshi?”

We were about ten meters apart, and my voice was rather soft. So when I saw him turn toward me immediately, I grabbed Meng Li.

“It’s over, Lili. You might be right.”

“Lu Zhi.”

Song Yuanshan smiled faintly and called my name in a gentle voice. The sound floated into my ears on the wind, making me feel lightheaded.

“Lili, did you hear that?”

“I’m not deaf…”

Meng Li pulled me over.

I felt rather grateful that I hadn’t dressed too badly today.

“Song-laoshi,” Meng Li greeted him.

“Hello.”

Song Yuanshan nodded.

I took a deep breath, suppressed my excitement, and asked, “What brings you here, Song-laoshi?”

“I’ll be teaching here from now on.”

“Really?!”

Meng Li pinched my arm. The pain made me realize I had spoken far too loudly.

“Mm.”

He nodded.

“Here to read?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s go together.”

“Okay.”

(27)

We sat together to read.

Following a policy of keeping her eyes on her own nose, Meng Li ignored me completely.

I took a book for appearances and glanced up at Song Yuanshan every couple of minutes.

And then…

I looked at Meng Li, wiping the drool from the corner of my mouth with a tissue.

“You fell asleep. Your head kept tilting until it landed on Song Yuanshan’s shoulder. Later, he said he had class in the afternoon. Only then did he put your head back on the table and leave.”

“Lili… Why didn’t you wake me?”

I wanted to cry but had no tears.

“You think I didn’t try? I’d barely pulled your head a little way off his shoulder when, good lord, you snuggled right back. What was I supposed to do? Song Yuanshan said to let you be, so I did.”

“It’s over. I’m finished.”

I wanted to die.

Meng Li patted my shoulder and said softly, “Relax, it isn’t that bad. I’m not going to tell you that you drooled all over his shoulder.”

(28)

The hot topic on campus lately was Zhou Chen’s haircut. He hadn’t simply cut it short; he had shaved it into a buzz cut.

I learned about it one sunny afternoon, when I took Meng Li past the library for the third time, half by accident and half on purpose.

Having failed to see Song Yuanshan, I had just given up and was about to head back when I saw a group approaching from a distance.

They were walking with the light behind them, so I couldn’t make out their faces.

I pulled Meng Li to the side to let them pass, but someone called out.

“Lu Zhi.”

Only then did I turn and look, surprised.

“Zhou Chen.”

Before, his longer hair had concealed the bare space around his brows and eyes, lending him a touch of gentleness. Now, he looked like a complete rogue. There was even an “x” shaved above his left ear, making him look particularly unapproachable.

But it gave him a different sort of charm, and the girls were even more captivated by this version of Zhou Chen.

That was why a group of girls surrounded him. At the moment, they were all looking at me with varying degrees of anger.

Feeling awkward, I said, “Zhou Chen, you cut your hair?”

His face stiffened slightly.

“It’s been a week.”

“Oh, really?”

Now I didn’t know what to say. He didn’t continue either. I scratched my head and added, “Then I’ll be going.”

“Lu Zhi.”

He stopped me, came over, motioned for me to hold out my hand, and gave me a bag of White Rabbit milk candy.

I froze for a moment, then quickly came to my senses. Before he could withdraw his hand, I hurriedly caught it and returned the candy.

Now it was his turn to freeze.

“I don’t like very sweet things. Thank you. I’ll be going.”

After thanking him, I pulled Meng Li away.

Behind me, Zhou Chen watched for a long time.

“A-Chen, I like White Rabbit.”

A girl beside him smiled and wrapped her arms around his.

Zhou Chen looked down at her. She had specially worn a low-cut top today.

He gave a derisive laugh, pulled his arm free, and walked ahead. Passing a trash can, he threw the White Rabbit candy inside.

(29)

The next time I saw Song Yuanshan was on a rainy night.

Summer weather was always unpredictable.

I suddenly needed to buy something. It was nearly dark, but cicadas were calling outside, and I thought I would only be gone a moment. Yet halfway back, it began to rain, harder and harder.

I ran beneath someone’s eaves to shelter for a while. But the rain showed no sign of easing, and there wasn’t a supermarket or anything nearby.

I gave myself a pep talk, drew a deep breath, and prepared to dash out. Someone caught my wrist. But I had launched myself so forcefully that his pull sent me spinning through a highly difficult maneuver and straight into his arms.

Just as I was about to step away, I smelled a faint medicinal scent.

So I stopped retreating and, quite unjustifiably, stayed motionless in his arms. I even wanted to reach out and wrap my arms around his waist.

“Ahem. Lu Zhi.”

Only after the man gave a quiet cough did I leave his embrace.

“Song-laoshi, how come it’s you?”

I pretended to be surprised.

He chuckled softly and stroked my head.

Holy shit, my heart.

No, wait. It was only a pat on the head. Why was my heart fluttering?

I slapped my own head, trying to clear it a little.

“What are you doing here, Song-laoshi?”

Having collected myself, I smiled up at him.

“Passing by.”

He adjusted his glasses, looking perfectly natural.

“What a coincidence.”

I felt that coming out today had been absolutely the right decision.

Suddenly, I remembered high school. It seemed to have been raining that time too.

“I’ll take you back,” Song Yuanshan said.

“Okay.”

I ran beneath his umbrella and walked back to school with him.

The rain was heavy, and its patter on the umbrella was loud. Yet all I could hear was my own heartbeat.

Every so often, I stole a glance at Song Yuanshan beside me.

His long, well-defined fingers held the umbrella handle, and his steps were steady. I noticed a wet patch on his left shoulder. Looking up, I realized he had tilted the umbrella toward me.

I hesitated, then moved a little closer.

He paused and looked down at me. I looked up at him with a grin.

Smiling helplessly, he shook his head and brought the umbrella back a little.

(30)

Song Yuanshan took me to the entrance of the dorm.

Seeing droplets of water on his glasses, I took a packet of tissues from my pocket and gave it to him. Then I smiled, said goodbye, and ran upstairs, brimming with youthful energy.

While I was at it, I pulled Meng Li aside and told her everything that had just happened.

After listening, Meng Li waited a long moment before asking, “Are you and Song Yuanshan dating?”

“…No.”

At that moment, I suddenly woke as if from a dream. Realization dawned. I beat my breast and stamped my feet, then lost all my energy again.

“Does he not like me?” I asked.

“Not necessarily,” Meng Li replied.

“Does he like me?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Is he playing with my feelings?”

I began talking nonsense.

“Mm… Not necessarily.”

Meng Li rubbed her chin as she said it.

And so both of us fell silent.

(31)

I escaped the temptation of beauty and regained my senses for a brief moment.

Sensible, but not completely.

After agonizing for several days over whether he loved me or not, I saw Song Yuanshan on campus again and threw all those thoughts to the back of my mind.

Song Yuanshan liked wearing shirts with jeans, but without exception, he never tucked his shirts in.

This time was different. He had tucked his shirt into his pants, and I shamefully discovered that his butt was very nicely shaped.

I covered my mouth, afraid I would make some strange noise.

“What is it?”

Song Yuanshan looked puzzled.

“N-Nothing.”

I took a deep breath and shook my head, shaking those filthy thoughts out of it.

By the looks of things, I was definitely an old pervert. But I also knew perfectly well that I wasn’t like this with anyone else.

“Lu Zhi,” Song Yuanshan called softly.

“Huh?”

My unfocused vision suddenly cleared. Only then did I realize that I had been staring blankly at his face. I rather affectedly brushed my hair back.

“Finished class, Song-laoshi?”

“Mm.”

He smiled faintly and nodded.

Without making a sound, I ran my tongue over my upper teeth, counted out eight, and flashed what I thought was a perfect smile.

“May I buy you a drink?”

He took a bottle of milk from his bag.

“Sure.”

Delighted, I accepted it. Then, remembering that I should maintain my image, I lowered my head.

Only then did I notice Song Yuanshan’s right hand restlessly pinching the thumb of his left.

I didn’t think much of it. I was so immersed in joy that I couldn’t tell east from west—until someone abruptly seized my wrist.

“Who are you?”

An angry voice sounded beside my ear.

I turned, a little angry myself.

“Zhou Chen, let go.”

He ignored me and simply glared viciously at Song Yuanshan.

His grip tightened. Pain shot through me, and the milk fell from my hand.

I watched it hit the ground and roll twice, its outside already a little damaged.

“Let go.”

Song Yuanshan came over and caught Zhou Chen’s hand, displeasure on his face.

The three of us formed an exceedingly strange scene.

“This is Song-laoshi,” I said.

“Oh? Is that so?”

Zhou Chen finally released me, but there was an indescribably flippant quality to his tone.

As soon as my hand was free, I hurried to pick up the milk.

“Are you all right?” Song Yuanshan asked softly.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. It’ll be better in a few days.”

My wrist was red, swollen, and painful. I could only rub it gently with my other hand for a little relief.

“I’m not even dead yet, and you’re already finding yourself a side piece?” Zhou Chen said.

I was rather speechless.

“Zhou Chen, what relationship do you and I have?”

“You…”

His expression stiffened. After a pause, he said, “Have you forgotten how you pursued me so enthusiastically? I’m giving you a chance to date me now.”

His first sentence startled me. I turned toward Song Yuanshan. Seeing no expression on his face, I first felt relieved, then a little hurt.

I sighed.

“I don’t need that chance.”

Zhou Chen narrowed his eyes at me, full of menace.

“Say that again!”

“A-Chen…”

A girl threw herself into Zhou Chen’s arms.

He froze, then frowned at the girl he was holding.

“Who are you?”

Her expression didn’t change. In a syrupy voice, she said, “You were just walking with me.”

His brows relaxed. He had apparently remembered.

Taking the opportunity, I grabbed Song Yuanshan and left.

(32)

I felt a little regretful. Although hardly anyone had seen me pulling Song Yuanshan along, I still reproached myself for my impulsiveness.

I let go of his hand and saw him coughing into his fist. Two unnaturally red patches had appeared on his pale face.

Had I walked too quickly in my effort to avoid Zhou Chen?

The Beginning of Autumn had passed. The weather was no longer as hot as summer, and now and then a light breeze blew. It pressed Song Yuanshan’s shirt against him, outlining his thin figure.

“Song-laoshi, are you sick?”

I wasn’t quite sure.

“Cough… No.”

He finally managed to stop coughing.

“I caught a chill last night.”

But something about him seemed strange, though I couldn’t say exactly what.

He turned his face aside and said quietly, “I’ll go first.”

“Ah… Okay.”

I nodded.

His steps were hurried and flustered. An inexplicable unease rose in me.

(33)

Bai Shan was back.

I learned the news on my way back to the dorm.

The cafeteria stall selling my favorite hot-and-sour glass noodles had closed last semester because the auntie who ran it was ill and had been hospitalized. Today, I suddenly heard that she had recovered and reopened.

As a fanatical devotee of her noodles, I charged ahead and became her first customer.

I noticed lots of people around me looking my way, but I had been through that before and didn’t take it seriously.

I greeted the auntie excitedly, then carried my bowl to a seat.

Perhaps because she hadn’t cooked for a while, she had added too much chili. One mouthful made me choke, tears streaming down my face.

I reached up to wipe them away, not realizing that I had accidentally gotten chili oil on my hand.

Wonderful. Oil on the fire.

“Lili, tissues, tissues! Help!”

Unable even to open my eyes, I frantically asked Meng Li for help.

She handed me tissues. I wiped my tears and held the tissues over my eyes for a long time before recovering. Before I could take out my mirror and see what I looked like, a group of girls suddenly gathered around me, giving me a fright.

The girl in front took my hand. There seemed to be tears in her eyes.

“Xuejie, we never thought you… Ahem. We’re all girls. We understand your pain.”

Translator’s note: Xuejie = senior schoolmate (female). The girls are juniors.

“Huh?”

I was a little stunned.

“What are you talking—”

“Don’t worry. We’re your strongest support now.”

With that, she nodded to the girls behind her.

They nodded too, looking at me with determination.

“No, I—”

“We’ll go now. Xuejie, don’t be too sad.”

She hugged me, and the whole group swept away with great fanfare.

“Lili, did something happen?”

I turned to Meng Li.

“No idea.”

She looked a little dazed too. Turning to me, she asked, “Still eating?”

“Maybe not.”

I looked at my noodles reluctantly, but still left with her.

(34)

On the way back to the dorm, my eyes were still swollen, but I could open them and see clearly.

Once the wound heals, you forget the pain. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became. I caught Meng Li and decided to go back and finish that bowl of noodles.

Meng Li thought there was something wrong with my brain and refused.

Just as I was about to pester her relentlessly, I tripped over my own feet and fell in front of a girl.

“Are you all right?”

Her voice was sweet and gentle as she helped me up.

I brushed the dust off and said I was fine.

“Your eyes are swollen,” she said softly.

“Ah, a little accident.”

I really didn’t want to tell that utterly insignificant story.

“Here.”

She handed me a packet of wet wipes.

“Hold these over them. It should help.”

“Thank you.”

I was a little surprised and touched.

“You’re welcome.”

She smiled.

The girl wore a white dress and had exquisite features, with a fresh, otherworldly quality that set her apart.

A name came to me at once.

“Bai Shan.”

“Do you know me?”

She looked puzzled.

Meng Li covered her face, unable to bear looking at me. Apparently, I had said the name aloud.

“I…”

I was still searching for an excuse when Meng Li suddenly tugged my sleeve and motioned for me to look ahead.

Before I raised my head, I heard a familiar voice.

“Bai Shan.”

Zhou Chen approached, his voice gentle. He stiffened for an instant when he saw me, but quickly recovered.

“Xiao Chen.”

Zhou Chen went to stand beside her and looked at me. I noticed his hand clenching at his side and suspected that I might have interrupted him.

“Thank you. I’ll be going.”

I thanked her and left with Meng Li.

“Lu Zhi.”

Zhou Chen suddenly stopped me, making me terribly awkward.

“What is it?”

“You… Never mind.”

He looked at me with dark eyes.

“Then I’ll go.”

Since he said it was nothing, why should I keep standing there?

“You two know each other?”

I heard Bai Shan’s soft voice behind me.

“Mm.”

Then Zhou Chen said, “Let’s go.”

His voice was very gentle.

“Okay.”

Looking back, I saw Zhou Chen and Bai Shan leaving side by side.

I felt a little choked up.

What a difference in treatment.

But it was just as well. Otherwise, I might have thought Zhou Chen really liked me.

(35)

“A-Zhi.”

Bai Shan looked at me gently.

“Ah… Huh?”

Sitting opposite her, I froze at the nickname.

“May I call you that?”

“Ah, y-yes.”

Flustered, I picked up my lemonade and took a sip.

“Do you like sour drinks?”

She smiled gently.

“Mm.”

“I see.”

Then she said nothing more and simply watched me.

I lowered my head and cradled the lemonade, taking little sips, utterly uncomfortable.

Zhou Chen had found the person he loved most. I had thought that would be the end of it.

Five days after I had decided that, Bai Shan sought me out and said she wanted to have a meal together.

I refused. But although I could refuse once, I couldn’t keep refusing a beauty’s repeated invitations. In the end, I agreed.

Throughout the meal, Bai Shan kept chatting with me, asking whether this was tasty and that was all right. She also kept looking at me with an expression I couldn’t decipher.

If I hadn’t known my own limits, I would have thought Bai Shan had fallen for me.

“Do you think that’s possible?”

I rubbed my chin.

Meng Li rolled her eyes at me.

Seeing her open her mouth, I hurriedly said, “Okay, I get it. I understand.”

“What about Song-laoshi?”

Meng Li smoothed the wrinkles in her facial mask as she asked.

My face fell. I slumped over the table.

“I haven’t seen him in ages.”

“Don’t you have his number? Call and ask.”

I picked up my phone and opened my contacts. Looking at the first entry, “AAA Song Yuanshan,” I sighed. I tapped his name and stared at the number I already knew by heart. After hesitating for a long time, I still backed out.

“Forget it, forget it. It’s already ten. Song Yuanshan’s probably asleep.”

“How do you know he’s asleep if you don’t call? Besides…”

Meng Li smoothed her hair twice in the mirror.

“Would you dare call during the day?”

“I… Of course I… would… probably.”

I sat up to protest, but my voice grew softer and less forceful.

Quick as a flash, Meng Li snatched my phone, opened my contacts, and called Song Yuanshan.

“Lili, don’t…”

Despite saying that and reaching to take it back, I didn’t hang up. I watched the phone expectantly. But Song Yuanshan never answered, right up until the call ended automatically.

It would be a lie to say I wasn’t upset. Still, I had prepared myself mentally. After two deep breaths, I managed to accept it.

I locked the screen and went to wash my face. I had foamed up the cleanser and was halfway through rubbing it over my face when my ringtone sounded.

“Little Mouse, phone!”

“Lili, I’m washing my face. Answer it and bring it over.”

I was rubbing my face, so my words weren’t very clear.

“Here.”

I looked up, with only half the foam rinsed off. Meng Li put the phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

I was a little impatient.

“Lu Zhi.”

The familiar voice came through the phone, and my eyes flew open.

(36)

The consequence of opening your eyes before rinsing off the foam was that I felt as though I was going blind.

My eyes hurt terribly. In a panic, I said, “Song-laoshi, I… Wait a moment.”

I quickly lowered my head and rinsed my face in the sink.

“Take your time. I won’t hang up,” Song Yuanshan said gently.

That only made me more flustered. In my frantic fumbling, I nearly gave myself a bath.

I paced in place twice, breathed out, took the phone, and went outside the dorm room.

Carefully, I held it to my ear, but heard nothing. My heart sank. Had I taken too long?

“Hello? Song-laoshi?”

I asked hesitantly.

“Mm.”

He answered almost instantly.

My heart blossomed with joy, and I forgot to speak.

“Has something happened?” he asked softly.

“Ah, no.”

Then I realized I had just killed the conversation myself.

“No, something has. I… Well… This…”

Without preparing my lie first, I was left stammering incoherently.

A couple of quiet coughs came through the phone.

I paused.

“Song-laoshi, is your cold still not better?”

“Mm.”

He suppressed his cough. I thought I heard a soft laugh.

“It’s gotten a little worse instead.”

“Are you really all right? Have you been to the hospital?”

“I’m fine.”

He ended up comforting me.

“Really. Don’t worry too much.”

“Biaoge…”

Suddenly, I heard a woman’s voice at his end. It was melodious and pleasant, with an indescribable familiarity.

Translator’s note: Biaoge = older male cousin, the kind with a different surname (through a mother or aunt).

“Lu Zhi, I’ll hang up now.”

Then Song Yuanshan added, “Lu Zhi, go to bed early. Good night.”

“Good night.”

I nodded, watched the call end on the screen, then put my phone away and went back inside.

After lying on my bed for a long while, I suddenly remembered.

That was Bai Shan’s voice!

(37)

I didn’t sleep all night.

The next day, I went to class with two dark circles under my eyes.

As soon as I left the classroom, someone caught hold of me. I glanced down at the pale, bonelessly soft hands, then looked up at their owner.

“A-Zhi.”

Her face was full of smiles, her beauty beyond description.

“What is it?”

Dazed for a moment, I lowered my head and rubbed my temples.

“I need to talk to you.”

She glanced at Meng Li beside me.

I turned toward Meng Li. Understanding, she said, “Come back early and catch up on sleep,” then left.

Once she was gone, I looked at Bai Shan with complicated feelings. At this point, I had absolutely no idea what she wanted.

“What is it?”

“I’d like to talk about my cousin.”

She added, “My cousin’s name is Song Yuanshan.”

“All right.”

She was surprised by my ready agreement, but didn’t ask further.

“A-Zhi, let’s walk while we talk.”

“Mm.”

I nodded.

“Lu Zhi!”

As we went downstairs, someone hurried over, caught my hand, and dragged me away without bothering with anything else.

“Zhao Lin? What’s wrong?”

I looked at her, bewildered.

“It’s urgent!”

She didn’t explain what, exactly, was urgent.

She really did look anxious, so I could only turn to Bai Shan.

“Let’s talk another time.”

She smiled, nodded, and waved.

You might not believe it, but for an instant I saw a trace of Song Yuanshan in her.

(38)

Zhao Lin hurriedly pulled me into a taxi, gave the driver the name of a karaoke place, and asked him to drive a little faster.

The name sounded familiar. Only when we arrived did I realize I had been here before.

It was the place I had visited with Zhao Lin last time.

It had been a while, and it almost felt like a lifetime ago.

As soon as we entered, I saw a group standing in the lobby. Hearing us, they all looked up at me.

It was a little frightening. I stopped immediately.

“Lu-jie, you’re finally here.”

A boy rushed over and clasped my hand.

Translator’s note: Jie = big sis. Lu-jie is basically “Sis Lu.”

I looked at him, completely baffled. It took a long while to remember that he was one of the boys who always followed Zhou Chen.

That only made me more confused.

Before I could finish being confused, Zhao Lin pulled me to a private room and begged me to go in.

I refused. But when I turned to leave, the group blocked the way, pleading with me.

Frowning deeply, I went inside after all. At the same time, I secretly started recording on my phone.

The room was dim, with an old music video playing on the screen. Then I saw the person sitting in the very middle.

He seemed to have been watching me from the moment I entered. His eyes were now full of surging emotion.

“Lu Zhi.”

His voice was hoarse. He beckoned me over.

Instinct told me something was wrong, so I didn’t obey. I took a step back and stood by the door again.

He looked at me, then suddenly stood and approached.

I smelled strong alcohol, but his face didn’t look drunk.

“I like you,” he said.

I froze for a moment. Only a moment.

I looked at him.

He seemed very serious, but I still couldn’t help laughing.

“Zhou Chen, do you really know who I am right now?”

“I do.”

He closed his eyes briefly, then looked at me, his gaze clear.

“Lu Zhi, I like you.”

“You’re drunk.”

I shook my head and pushed the door open.

From behind, he pressed it shut with one hand, trapping me within his arms.

Unable to go forward or back, I could only look up at him.

He looked down at me too, then buried his head against my shoulder.

“Lu Zhi…”

He sighed.

“Zhou Chen, what exactly do you want?”

I simply couldn’t understand.

“I…”

He took one of my hands and rubbed it.

“I really…”

“What about Bai Shan?”

“She…”

In the end, Zhou Chen couldn’t answer.

“What exactly is this love of yours?”

He stopped speaking. Taking the opportunity, I broke free, stepped back, pushed the door open with my back, and left.

Zhou Chen didn’t stop me. But after I had walked a little way, I heard a roar and a series of crashing sounds.

My steps paused briefly. Without looking back, I left.

(39)

Bai Shan arranged to meet me, and we met on campus.

She said she wanted to take me somewhere. I agreed.

I truly hadn’t expected her to have a private car and driver, much less such an expensive car.

The driver thoughtfully opened the door for me. It was my first experience of such luxurious treatment, and I wasn’t quite used to it.

We reached our destination just as I was about to fall asleep.

I rubbed my eyes and got out.

Looking at the large house in front of me, I fell into thought.

The garden was beautifully arranged, with several little rabbit statues.

“Let’s go.”

I followed Bai Shan inside. A servant addressed her as “Miss.”

After a quick consideration, I reached a conclusion: Song Yuanshan might be a rich sugar mama—no, a rich sugar papa.

But if he had money, why would he have come to my home as a tutor?

“A-Zhi.”

Bai Shan beckoned from the stairs. I followed her up.

On the third floor, she stopped and pointed to a room farther inside, saying mysteriously, “Go and look. My cousin’s secret is in there.”

“Song Yuanshan’s secret?”

“Yes.”

“Wouldn’t it be wrong for me to go in?”

“Don’t worry. It’ll definitely be fine.”

She gave me a push from behind.

After preparing myself mentally, I pushed open the door and entered.

Wow… So dark.

I could see a sliver of light opposite me, probably a window. I felt my way toward it, apparently knocking over quite a few things along the way.

I drew the curtains. Sunlight fell through the window onto the floor.

Turning to look around the room, I froze.

This room—no, rather than a room, it would be more accurate to call it an art studio.

I took two steps forward, crouched down, righted the easel I had knocked over, and picked up the picture.

The girl in it was laughing, a little exuberantly. Her eyes were clear and lively, and the ends of her hair curled slightly. Pinpoints of firefly light illuminated her profile, making her seem to shine too.

Looking at the face that was almost exactly my own, I was stunned. I stood and examined the pictures on the other easels.

Without exception, they were all me. In some I was making faces; in some I was acting spoiled with my parents; in some I was laughing; in some I was frowning.

I looked at the signature, “Yuanshan,” in the lower right corner, and my vision blurred little by little.

I didn’t know how long it was before I left the room. Bai Shan was downstairs, waiting on the sofa.

“I want to see Song Yuanshan.”

At that moment, all I wanted was to see him.

“Then let’s go.”

Bai Shan took me on foot to a road.

Perhaps because it was nearly evening, there were few pedestrians.

She told me to keep walking straight ahead, and I would see Song Yuanshan.

I thanked her and went. The wind was pleasant, and my mood relaxed too.

After walking for a while, I finally found Song Yuanshan at the end.

Dressed entirely in black, he stood with his back to me, his hands resting on the railing as he looked at the view.

“Song Yuanshan.”

My voice was very soft.

His body stiffened, and he abruptly turned.

“Your cold won’t get better if you stand in the wind.”

I walked toward him.

Song Yuanshan would always remember that evening, when the breeze was just right and the girl softly called his name.

He looked back. As though by magic, the streetlights behind her lit up in rapid succession, beginning with the first and spreading away into the distance. Warm yellow light fell over her, and she was so beautiful she seemed to have stepped out of a painting.

(40)

I stretched as I left the classroom.

“I hear Song Yuanshan’s resigning?” Meng Li asked.

“Huh? Is he?”

With the straw of my Vita Lemon Tea between my lips, my words were a little muffled.

“It’s fine. I can find him now.”

“Speaking of which, have you and Song Yuanshan still made no progress?”

“What can I do? He won’t let me touch him.”

I sighed.

“What kind of scumbag-woman quote is that?”

“Huh?”

Realizing how suggestive my words sounded and how easily they could lead to wild imaginings, I hurried to explain.

“No, that’s not what I meant. Literally. He stays a meter away and won’t let me get close.”

“Is this what they mean when they say that once someone has confidence, they start becoming shameless?”

Meng Li turned her head, looked me up and down, then nodded with great solemnity.

“Mm?”

I felt personally attacked.

“Lu Zhi.”

Zhou Chen had appeared in front of us at some point. Dark circles lay beneath his eyes, and he looked much more haggard. He leaned lazily against the wall, looking at me.

“Mm?”

I tilted my head toward him.

“You…”

He paused, then suddenly smiled.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Then say it here.”

I shook my Vita Lemon Tea. From the sound, it was empty, so I tossed it into the nearby trash can.

“I won’t do anything to you again.”

He lowered his eyes, looking indescribably pitiful.

“Why are you acting like that?”

I rubbed my arms, which had broken out in goose bumps, then looked at him and sighed.

“I’ll trust you one last time. Where do you want to go?”

“The stands by the sports field.”

His eyes seemed to light up suddenly. I didn’t know whether I was imagining it.

“All right.”

As the sun set, Zhou Chen and I climbed into the stands. Many people were running or chatting on the field.

I crossed my arms and leaned back against the railing. Zhou Chen braced both hands on it and looked out over the field.

He said nothing for a long time. Just as I frowned, annoyed, and was about to ask what he wanted, he finally spoke.

“This is where I first saw you.”

I paused and followed his pointing finger to the basketball court below.

Zhou Chen continued, “I remember you were wearing a white dress, with a daisy hair clip. You were talking to Meng Li and didn’t notice me. I thought, This girl looks so much like Bai Shan. Unfortunately, in the very next second, you burst out laughing without the slightest regard for your image, and the illusion shattered instantly.”

I remembered. It seemed to have been less than two weeks after we started university.

“Later, you changed your personality and inexplicably started pursuing me. You looked even more like Bai Shan, and I was happy about that. But I didn’t know what you were up to, so I still refused. I never expected you to keep at it and become my simp.”

He stopped, then asked in an even voice, “Lu Zhi, were you looking at someone else through me?”

My heart jolted. I looked at him, not knowing what to say.

“It was that Song Yuanshan, wasn’t it?” he said lightly.

“You…”

He cut me off.

“Want to ask how I know?”

He raised an eyebrow.

“I noticed something was wrong when I hurt my eyebrow.”

He looked up at the sky.

“You don’t talk much to other boys, except Song Yuanshan. And only when you’re beside that Song guy do I see the carefree way you looked when I first met you.”

“So you treated me so differently from everyone else because you wanted to see me become my old self?”

I asked uncertainly.

“Take a guess.”

He took a lollipop from his pocket and put it in his mouth.

“If you had more or less figured it out, why did you still pursue me during that time?”

I broke the silence.

“For fun?”

He smiled indifferently.

“You aren’t angry that I treated you as someone else?”

“What’s there to be angry about? Wasn’t I doing the same?”

“Then do you really like me?”

I looked at him seriously.

He turned toward me, then suddenly began walking over.

Stopping beside me, he reached out and vigorously ruffled my hair. With a quiet laugh, he said, “Of course I was lying. Only a fool like you would believe that.”

Then he brushed past me.

(41)

Although the Beginning of Autumn had passed, the weather was still a little muggy.

I was surprised to discover a pond behind Song Yuanshan’s house.

It was beautifully maintained and packed with lotus seedpods.

I went back inside.

“Song-laoshi, may I pick the lotus seedpods at your house?”

Song Yuanshan was reading in the living room. Hearing me, he lowered his book, looked over, and adjusted his glasses.

“Yes. But Lu Zhi, don’t you have class?”

“I don’t have classes today.”

I spread my hands, shrugged, and ran back to the pond.

Pressing my palms together, I told a lotus seedpod, “Sorry,” then reached out and picked it.

The seedpod was still a little green. I took out a seed and put it in my mouth. It was faintly sweet, not bitter.

Looking at the pond full of seedpods, I thought that if I didn’t pick them now, they might not taste as good later. So I began harvesting them.

Of course, Heaven refused to cooperate, and rain began to drift down.

I was about to return when a little crooked idea suddenly occurred to me. I stopped and kept picking.

Before long, I felt a shadow over my head. Turning, I saw Song Yuanshan in gray loungewear.

“It’s raining. Why haven’t you come back?”

He draped the blanket in his hand over me.

“I’m coming now.”

I grinned.

“On purpose?”

He shook his head and smiled helplessly.

“Of course not.”

Even with my little scheme exposed, I wasn’t embarrassed. I stood under his umbrella and walked back with him.

(42)

Song Yuanshan really was strange.

If not for Bai Shan, I might have gone a very, very long time without knowing he liked me. Stranger still, now that I knew, he still wouldn’t be with me.

No matter how relentlessly I pursued him, he merely smiled and stroked my head without saying anything.

In the blink of an eye, I had graduated, and I still hadn’t won Song Yuanshan over.

Bai Shan pointed me toward a path.

“Why do you think my cousin won’t say yes?”

“Why?”

“Doesn’t he cough a lot?” she asked.

I nodded.

“My cousin… is going to die soon.”

She patted my shoulder.

“Nonsense.”

“Have I ever lied to you?”

I froze, unable to react for a long time.

“Lu Zhi? Lu Zhi?”

Song Yuanshan called me.

“Song Yuanshan…”

I clutched the hem of his clothes and wouldn’t let go.

“You…”

I couldn’t get past that single word. Tears spilled down my face.

I had thought before that Song Yuanshan might be sick, but I had never imagined that he would die.

“What is it?”

Song Yuanshan crouched and looked at me anxiously.

What I hadn’t expected was that, when I failed to answer, he actually put his arms around me.

Smelling the herbal medicine on him only made me sadder. I cried so hard I could barely breathe.

“What’s wrong?”

He gently patted my back.

“Do you… want to… date… me?”

Suddenly, I felt this might be one of my few opportunities.

Song Yuanshan’s movements paused. Then he laughed quietly.

“Yes.”

“Huh?”

That easily?

Now it was my turn to freeze.

“Can you stop crying now?”

“Mm.”

I held back my tears.

“Song Yuanshan, even after you die, I’ll remember you.”

“Huh?”

Song Yuanshan looked puzzled.

I was just about to say, “You’re still lying to me,” when I saw Bai Shan at the door, laughing with particular delight.

I realized I had been tricked.

“You said yes, right?”

I wasn’t quite sure. He had agreed too quickly.

“Mm.”

He stroked my head, then added, “I wanted to a long time ago.”

Song Yuanshan’s Extra

From the time Song Yuanshan could remember, his mother had taken him along to look for his father.

The card-playing room was smoky and extraordinarily noisy. Bare-chested men slapped their cards down on the tables.

A little frightened, Song Yuanshan ran two steps forward and caught the hem of his mother’s clothes, only to receive a cold look.

She scanned the room, found the person she was looking for, shook Song Yuanshan off, and strode ahead.

Before long, a commotion rose from that part of the crowd. Song Yuanshan ran over and saw his parents arguing. They fought fiercely and soon began hitting each other. No one around them tried to intervene; they seemed to have seen such scenes too often.

Young Song Yuanshan stood rooted to the spot, not knowing what to do. People whispered nearby, and one after another, they looked at him with pity.

He anxiously clasped his fingers.

After the fight, his parents went home in anger. Neither took Song Yuanshan along.

Relying on his memory, he finally managed to find his way home. The moment he opened the door, he heard another violent argument.

Later, he grew used to such scenes.

His parents divorced when he was seven.

Even during the divorce, his gambling-addicted father didn’t forget to steal the money his mother had painstakingly saved for more than half a year.

In court, Song Yuanshan watched them both complain about how hard their lives were. Both considered him a burden. Neither wanted him.

But in the end, the gavel fell, and custody went to his mother.

Song Yuanshan would always remember the utter disgust in her eyes that day.

Afterward, his mother took to drinking too. When drunk, she either beat or cursed him.

Once, she even drove him out of the house and ordered him to stay by the door without moving.

Foolishly, he really did remain there. When rain began falling in the middle of the night, he didn’t dare move even as it soaked him.

The next day, he had a fever and a cold. His mother watched coldly without doing anything, and his illness grew worse.

Only when Song Yuanshan felt he was going to die did she give him two packets of Chinese herbal medicine.

Forcing his body to keep going, he boiled the medicine himself and recovered. But his health had been ruined. After that, he had to take medicine every two or three days.

He ran away twice. Both times, kindhearted people brought him back. His mother smiled, thanked them, and said the child didn’t know any better.

As soon as the door closed, her expression changed. She picked up a bamboo switch and lashed him.

Song Yuanshan cried out in pain, but she covered his mouth. Straddling him, she beat him while fiercely ordering him not to make a sound.

When she grew tired, she returned to her room to sleep. Only after a long time did Song Yuanshan get up from the floor and struggle back to his own room.

It was cold in late autumn, and his clothes were thin. As soon as he entered, a gust of wind made him shiver. He went to close the window and saw something blinking as it flew toward him.

He reached out and caught it. Carefully opening his hand, he discovered a firefly. He hurriedly found a glass jar in his room and put it inside.

That night, he watched the firefly for a long time. For the first time in ages, he laughed aloud.

When he returned from school the next day, the house was unusually quiet. An inexplicable unease came over him as he opened his bedroom door.

The room seemed unchanged, except that the glass jar from his desk lay shattered on the floor.

He went over and looked. Amid the transparent fragments, a dark little creature stood out.

Crouching, Song Yuanshan stared at the firefly, long since lifeless, unable to come back to himself.

“It’s only a stupid bug.”

At some point, his mother had appeared in the doorway and spoken disdainfully.

Song Yuanshan stood. His feet had gone numb, so he stretched his legs, then swept the firefly and the broken glass into the trash together.

When he was in middle school, his mother took him to find his father. Song Yuanshan still remembered the man slowly opening the door, reeking of alcohol and holding an unfinished bottle of beer.

His mother left him there and went away. For some reason, Song Yuanshan didn’t follow her. He simply stood and watched her retreating figure disappear.

His father’s eyes were unfocused. Thoroughly drunk, he smiled at him. Only after a long while did he come over.

“Yuanshan… Hic…”

He had barely taken a step when he stumbled toward Song Yuanshan.

Song Yuanshan stepped aside, dodging what might have been an embrace.

His father fell, but still looked at him with a smile and called, “Yuanshan.”

Frowning, Song Yuanshan helped him to the sofa inside. The house was a complete mess, with bottles, cigarette ash, and trash scattered over the floor.

He looked around for a while, then left.

When he got home, his mother was eating. She showed no surprise at seeing him and merely said, “Still remembered to come back?”

“Mm.”

Song Yuanshan nodded and returned to his room.

Not long afterward, news came that his father had died.

Hearing it, Song Yuanshan felt perfectly calm.

His mother, on the other hand, drank and laughed as though she were very happy. Then, while laughing, she began to cry.

When Song Yuanshan graduated from university, his advisor introduced him to a tutoring job.

He had no particular requirements for work. As long as it paid, that was enough. That weekend, he went to the address his advisor had given him.

The family hiring the tutor was especially warm toward him. They apologized, saying their child had run off again.

Song Yuanshan didn’t know when he had begun wearing a smile every day. But it did make work and life a little easier.

The door banged open. Turning, he saw a middle-aged man dragging in a young girl.

She was very pretty, her eyes full of defiance, and she clutched a book with a colorful cover.

Only after her father resorted to force did she reluctantly come over to greet him.

During tutoring, he discovered that although her foundations were weak, she wasn’t stupid. Some things needed explaining only once for her to remember them clearly.

She loved to laugh. At every lesson, he could hear her unrestrained laughter. Sometimes, she grew teary over heartbreaking scenes in her novels. At those moments, Song Yuanshan often felt something strange in his heart, though he couldn’t say what it was.

Then one day, the girl asked him what he liked.

Puzzled, he asked why. She stammered without giving him a real answer.

He watched her move her head as she searched for an excuse. The light behind her flickered in and out with the movement. Looking out the window, he suddenly remembered the firefly from so many years ago and told her that he liked fireflies.

A few days later, she asked whether he could accompany her somewhere.

Song Yuanshan paused, then agreed.

It drizzled the next day. Looking at the sniffling, watery-eyed girl, he felt bad for her and asked whether she still wanted to go.

“Yes,” she said firmly.

It must be something important, he thought.

He followed her along a winding route to a little hill. Puzzled, he suddenly had an idea.

The cold had made her voice soft and nasal. She asked whether he could wait with her for a while. Since they were already there, he naturally would.

The medicine began taking effect. Her eyes narrowed sleepily, and she wasn’t quite alert.

Just as Song Yuanshan was about to suggest going home, she suddenly grew excited, calling out, “Fireflies!”

His guess confirmed, he answered and walked over to stand beside her. Watching the fireflies, he felt an inexplicable stirring in his heart.

On the way back, the girl fell. Seeing her grimace in pain, Song Yuanshan’s body reacted before his mind. By the time he realized what he was doing, he had already carried her some distance on his back.

She was mumbling something drowsily. He stopped and finally heard it clearly.

“Song-laoshi, happy birthday.”

Only then did he remember that it was his birthday. He had never celebrated one and had already forgotten the date.

He suddenly smiled.

“Thank you, Lu Zhi.”

At a gathering with his roommates, Song Yuanshan listened to them chatting about liking someone.

He suddenly realized that what he felt for the girl was love. At their next lesson, he watched her for a long time and finally made a decision.

He would leave.

He felt he wasn’t worthy of her.

After parting with the girl’s family, he lived his days according to routine, yet always felt a trace of emptiness.

Until one day, a group of strangers knocked on his door.

Only then did Song Yuanshan learn that his mother had a special background: she was from a wealthy family.

He didn’t want to know the twists and complications behind it.

His mother gave him a house, saying it was to make amends.

He hadn’t wanted it. But suddenly the girl’s face appeared in his mind, and he accepted it after all.

He arranged the house according to her likes.

One day, a young woman came in. Her name was Bai Shan. She said she had come to visit the cousin she had never met.

Only later did he learn that she had come to hide from trouble.

Seeing her slight resemblance to the girl, Song Yuanshan agreed to let her stay.

During a conversation, he happened to learn that the girl attended University A. He thought about it for a long, long time. In the end, unable to resist his selfish wish, he interviewed at the university next door.

Like a pervert, Song Yuanshan secretly watched the girl from far away. She never noticed him.

That made him lower his guard, which led to their meeting.

When he saw her, he pretended to be calm, but inwardly he was terribly flustered. At last, he called the name he had missed for so long. Like a little deer startled by his voice, she fled.

He thought she probably didn’t want to see him.

Yet a few days later, he saw her at the campus gate.

She frantically searched for an excuse, claiming she was only passing by.

But he had watched her secretly for so long. She never passed this way.

The girl ran off. Song Yuanshan was about to enter the campus when he happened to see the boy across the road. Of course he knew who it was.

Zhou Chen.

He was handsome and full of youthful spirit, with a pair of clear eyes.

Song Yuanshan turned away, not wanting to look any longer.

Since the girl already knew where he was, and with Bai Shan encouraging him, he went all the way and transferred to her university.

The girl was delighted to see him. Song Yuanshan was very happy too.

On campus, he also learned what had happened with her. His first reaction was heartache.

A man’s intuition told him that Zhou Chen liked her.

That day, when he confronted Zhou Chen, he actually envied him.

Zhou Chen could act impulsively for the girl. He couldn’t.

His pneumonia worsened, and he went into the hospital.

One evening after his discharge, he received a call from the girl. He stared at the screen for a long time. By the time he remembered to answer, it had timed out.

After considering it over and over, he called back, not noticing that his fingers were trembling.

The call connected. He heard running water and the girl’s flustered voice, and told her gently not to rush.

While they were talking, Bai Shan knocked and came in. Seeing that she seemed to have something to say, Song Yuanshan wished the girl good night and hung up.

Bai Shan teased him. He didn’t defend himself, instead asking what she had been doing lately.

Looking at him, she said she had been helping him.

He didn’t understand, but since she didn’t elaborate, he didn’t ask further.

Then Bai Shan guided the girl to his side.

Song Yuanshan watched her approach, bathed in light. Beyond his shock were excitement and fear.

Then he made a decision.

Avoidance.

Shameful, but very effective.

He felt he still wasn’t worthy of such a wonderful girl. Many times, “yes” almost escaped his lips, only for him to swallow it back.

That day, when he visited his father’s grave, he saw his mother. She showed little reaction to him, her expression cold and indifferent.

He placed the flowers there and left, only to hear his mother’s voice behind him.

“Xiao Yuan, I’m sorry.”

Song Yuanshan stopped and turned toward her. But she looked just as she had when he arrived, staring blankly at the grave.

When he returned home, the girl began crying at the sight of him.

He reached out and held her. Only then did he realize that this gesture could be so simple.

Making peace with oneself could be that simple too.

Song Yuanshan smiled and said, “Yes.”

(The End) □ Yanyan Xiang Chi Tang