Waiting for the Next Dawn

The day before my fifteenth birthday, I discovered that I was actually the vicious female supporting character in a novel.

And tomorrow, my stepmother would bring her son into my home.

The me in the book, full of hatred and disgust, began a lightless life that lasted ten years.

I decided to let myself off the hook and wait for dawn.

I was the vicious female supporting character in this book, the male lead’s teenage nightmare.

His mother became my father’s lover, drove my mother away, and married my father.

On the first day he came, my father put an arm around my shoulders and told me, “This is your older brother. He’s only five days older than you. Get along well from now on ah.”

I looked at this man, then at the fifteen-year-old boy before me.

He was pale, and at that moment, his face was even paler.

I said nothing. Neither did he.

The look in his eyes was calm, but I knew his hands were clenched into fists behind his back.

He hated us. He also hated that his mother had abandoned his father.

Perhaps, at first, he hadn’t hated us that much. He’d only taken a little of it out on us because of his mother.

But later, because I made things difficult for him at every turn, his hatred sank into his bones.

Because according to the book:

[Fifteen-year-old Zhou Punan first met Meng Tongci in the Meng family mansion.

Meng Zheng gently stroked the girl’s back and told her to greet him. Meng Tongci finally looked at him properly, then raised her arm and slapped him.

She said nothing. She only looked at him with disgust in those upturned eyes.

Looking down on him from on high.

His hands clenched into fists, veins standing out. But Zhou Ya’s gaze remained behind him, silent, telling him to endure.]

I’d only seen this book yesterday. It turned out I was merely a vicious female supporting character in a male-oriented novel, there to build up the male lead’s growth points.

I’d seen everything in the book, along with an extra story about me.

It recorded my entire life.

Before fifteen, I’d had a happy family and grown up surrounded by love: a carefree little princess, even a little arrogant because of my privileged background.

When I was fifteen, my parents divorced. My mother went far away, and my father promptly married me a stepmother.

The stepmother also brought a tag-along older brother with her.

The day Dad officially brought them home was my fifteenth birthday.

He’d said he had a surprise for me. I’d eagerly hoped my parents were getting back together.

Instead, this was the surprise.

So I slapped the male lead.

It set the tone for the next ten years of our relationship.

After that, I never had another moment of happiness. After that, every pain in my life was connected to him.

I died at twenty-five.

Died painfully under his revenge.

…

I read it all in silence, with only one thought: I didn’t want to die painfully at twenty-five.

So I didn’t slap him as I had in the novel. I only looked at him indifferently.

I didn’t feel remorse for what my fictional self had done. Nor was I behaving differently now because I knew he was the invincible male lead destined for success, while I was the vicious female supporting character destined to be sacrificed.

I simply didn’t want to spend ten years entangled with him, losing every part of myself and living only to make him unhappy.

I ought to have a soul, even if I was only a vicious female supporting character.

I decided to keep my distance. I wouldn’t provoke him, nor push him a thousand miles away. I’d face him politely but distantly.

At our first meeting, the scene that should have been heavenly thunder igniting earthly fire became as silent as the Gobi Desert.

I hadn’t expressed a position. But for Zhou Punan’s mother, my lack of an extreme reaction was a good beginning.

In the awkward atmosphere, Zhou Ya produced a perfectly measured smile, though it couldn’t hide the satisfaction in her eyes.

Softly, she told my father, “The children are still young. They’re both too shy. We adults shouldn’t interfere. A-Nan and Tongtong are close in age. They’ll soon be playing together.”

Looking at her expression and hearing her intimate nickname for me, I couldn’t hide the disgust on my face.

Zhou Punan saw all of it.

My father, still in the bliss of being newly married, was very receptive to Zhou Ya’s manner.

He stroked my head and told me to take Zhou Punan out for some fun. It was Zhou Punan’s first time in this city.

I didn’t refuse. I opened the door and went out.

Zhou Punan froze in place. Zhou Ya nudged him and said lightly, “Go on. Take a walk with your little sister.”

Gritting his teeth, Zhou Punan followed me.

The sight of Zhou Ya disgusted me. The more she pretended familiarity and tried to please me for my father’s benefit, the more I hated her.

I’d never lacked people who sincerely treated me well. Why should I accept her because of her clumsy performance?

Though my mother had left me, I didn’t need someone casually replacing her.

Zhou Punan followed two steps behind. I remembered that the book also contained a scene in which I took him out.

In the book, Zhou Punan and I had a huge fight. More accurately, I one-sidedly cursed at and beat him.

My father couldn’t stand watching and insisted that I build a relationship with him, telling me to take him out.

I left the house and dumped Zhou Punan on the busiest street.

Then I went to a friend’s home.

I didn’t return for three days. When I finally came back, my father couldn’t bear to scold me. Zhou Ya also hovered around, pretending concern. Everyone revolved around me.

Only Zhou Punan sat silently in the chair farthest from me, quietly watching, with no presence at all.

No one knew how he’d found his way back.

Back in reality, Zhou Punan followed two steps behind, his footsteps light.

He was fifteen this year, pale, and only a little taller than me.

Thin, too, following without a word. We looked like an older sister taking a younger brother out.

As I walked, I unconsciously reached the busiest street described in the book.

But I wasn’t going to abandon Zhou Punan here. I’d said I didn’t want to become entangled with him and create ten years of hatred for myself.

It was only my parents’ divorce. After reading the novel and seeing my whole life, even what I’d considered unforgivable a day earlier suddenly seemed small.

What was the big deal?

I intended to return the way we’d come. This place was too busy, shops and cars flowing like a river. It really was easy to lose one’s bearings.

But I’d grown up here, so that wasn’t a problem for me.

I turned to leave—and discovered Zhou Punan was gone.

Behind me, the endless crowd surged. He’d long since vanished among it.

Cold sweat broke out on my skin. Was this the plot arranging things?

I started searching in every direction. More than half an hour later, I found him beneath a poorly lit sign.

His face was deathly pale. Suddenly, I remembered the book said he had low blood sugar.

I walked over and looked at him. Seeing me, though he could barely stand, he still bit his lower lip and forced himself to remain upright.

He seemed to think I’d be very angry.

Originally, I had been. But now that I’d found him, I forced myself not to be driven by emotion, not to become too involved with Zhou Punan.

Polite and distant would do.

I looked at his pale, weak appearance, the fine cold sweat covering his forehead and nose. He looked ready to collapse before me at any moment.

Fortunately, he was determined, biting his lip hard to stay conscious.

He was very guarded around me. That was true both inside and outside the book.

I saw faint traces of blood on his teeth. Just then, my stomach growled at a very appropriate moment.

“I’ll take you to eat.”

I heard my own voice.

Zhou Punan still followed two steps behind. But this time, I was afraid he’d collapse directly onto the ground. Having to go to the hospital afterward would be even more trouble.

I pulled out the long drawstring of my hoodie and handed it to him.

“Hold this. Don’t get lost.”

He raised his eyes, his expression puzzled, but obediently took the cord.

He probably didn’t understand why I was helping him.

I was only afraid of trouble.

I took Zhou Punan to a noodle shop I’d always liked.

The owner was a funny, witty man in his forties. I came often enough that he remembered me.

“What’ll you have? The usual?”

I nodded and told him, “Two bowls.”

Five minutes later, two steaming bowls of noodles arrived.

Fragrant without being greasy. However many bowls I ate, I’d never tire of them.

Zhou Punan ate with great appetite, and quickly.

I guessed Zhou Ya had gone to breakfast with my father without taking him, then hadn’t made him lunch, either.

That was why his blood sugar had dropped.

To say something logically flawed: when I wasn’t bad, I was quite good.

We finished and returned, still without a word.

From beginning to end, he hadn’t initiated a single sentence.

I was very satisfied with that.

Back home, I went straight to my bedroom without speaking. Only after locking the door did I feel at ease.

Though I’d lived in this house for more than ten years, the sight of Zhou Ya delicately clinging to my father’s arm suddenly made it unfamiliar.

I wanted to move out.

Then I wouldn’t have to be disgusted by Zhou Ya, and could reduce my contact with Zhou Punan.

I told my father.

He seemed furious. He thought I was forcing Zhou Ya and her son to leave.

That wasn’t my intention. I simply couldn’t be bothered to get entangled with them.

My father raged, looking ready for a huge argument.

But whatever he said, I only stood calmly to one side and watched him.

Soon, he stopped. With an expression as though he owed me something, he gave me a lot of money.

He didn’t owe me anything.

Before bed that night, I’d just finished showering when I heard a knock.

Thinking it was my father, I opened the door.

Instead, it was Zhou Punan.

I was a little surprised, but said nothing, only leaned against the door and looked at him.

He was still the same: pale, weak, a boy who seemed fragile.

“You’re moving out?”

His voice was cold.

I nodded. “What’s it got to do with you?”

After a long time, he forced out, “Meng-shu said that if you leave, he’ll make my mother move out.”

Translator’s note: Shu means “uncle”; Meng-shu is a familiar, polite way to address an older man surnamed Meng.

I laughed. Why go that far? I wasn’t trying to force anyone.

Yet now everyone thought I was forcing Zhou Ya to leave.

I didn’t want to say much. I only told Zhou Punan, “Think whatever you like. Do whatever you want. I won’t change my mind.”

Zhou Ya got up very early the next morning. I slept until the sun was high.

When I went downstairs for breakfast, she was waiting for me expectantly.

My mood disappeared at once.

Without eating, I turned and went back to my room.

I decided to move out that very day.

I acted quickly. Half an hour later, I’d packed everything I wanted to take.

I called Yang Zhao.

“Hello? So early…” His voice was hoarse. Clearly, I’d woken him.

I wasn’t surprised. Yang Zhao had always lived with day and night reversed.

“I’m coming to stay at your place for a few days.”

Drowsily, he answered, “Oh. Come over, then…”

No one stopped me when I left carrying a small bag. After all, no one could tell I was running away from home.

I called a car to Yang Zhao’s place. We’d grown up together. He was practically my real brother, just with different parents.

When I arrived, he was still asleep. I knew his door code and went straight in.

I hadn’t chosen his place without reason. Though Yang Zhao was my age, he’d long been at war with his father and moved out alone.

He could make the decisions here, so I could stay with a clear conscience.

I played two rounds of a game. Just as I was playing like a total noob and exchanging curses with my teammates, long fingers took the phone from my hand.

I turned. Yang Zhao, his hair a bird’s nest, was drowsily frowning as he took over my game.

He turned on voice chat and enthusiastically traded insults with the other side.

But soon, his turnaround of the match won them over.

Five minutes later, the victory sound rang cheerfully, and he tossed the phone back.

“You’re such a noob.”

I rolled my eyes but couldn’t argue. In his eyes, hardly anyone wasn’t a noob.

“Tell me, then. What’s happened to you this time?”

He sprawled on the sofa.

I said I just didn’t want to stay home.

I didn’t want to explain more, afraid he’d call me pathetic.

Yang Zhao rolled his eyes. “Your stepmother’s arrived, hasn’t she? Pathetic…”

Caught off guard, my nose stung and tears fell.

The hurt surged up and wouldn’t go away.

I understood perfectly that leaving was my own choice. In my father’s heart, Zhou Ya certainly wasn’t more important than me.

But I couldn’t control my emotions.

Even though I knew this was a book. Even though I had an all-knowing view.

I still lived here. I was still a fifteen-year-old girl.

Knowing my ending could change so much, yet change nothing at all.

Yang Zhao gave me a strong hug.

With him, I could always find the safety of someone who shared my wounds.

Dad soon learned I’d run away. At first, he was furious and told me to roll back home.

I acted as though I hadn’t heard.

Later, when I refused to yield, he apologized and said he’d make Zhou Ya and her son move out.

I refused. This had nothing to do with Zhou Ya.

I couldn’t get past it myself. I was too stubborn. That was my nature.

After a period of stalemate, Dad saw that I still went to school and came back normally, with nothing unusual except my refusal to go home. Finally, he compromised.

He transferred a lot of money to me, enough to buy two apartments in a prime location.

He told me to take good care of myself.

Once he’d compromised, I no longer had to avoid going home. Occasionally, I returned.

Every time, Dad hid Zhou Ya and Zhou Punan so I wouldn’t see them.

I really didn’t want to see them, so I said nothing.

Time passed quickly like that.

The next time I saw Zhou Punan was when high school began.

He was the representative for the incoming students.

He’d transferred from elsewhere and spent only a little over a week at a local middle school, then entered this key high school with the highest score in the entire province.

I attended the same school, but I’d advanced directly.

Because we’d paid a lot of money since I was little, I didn’t need excellent scores.

On the first day, all of us stood on the sports field, listening to Zhou Punan speak beneath the national flag.

I didn’t listen to what he said. I only felt that his ghost wouldn’t leave me alone.

And without my suppression, he seemed even more outstanding than the book described.

Heaven was truly unfair, giving every good thing to him alone.

The midday sun was fierce. He stood high on the platform against the light, seeming out of reach.

Girls around me chattered about how impressive he was.

I only thought the sun was really scorching.

On the first day of school, Dad insisted on picking me up.

So I saw Zhou Punan again. Perhaps because he really was outstanding, Dad looked at him with some admiration.

This time, he didn’t make Zhou Ya and her son avoid me.

Time easily fades people’s vivid memories. Dad already thought I could get along with them normally.

Zhou Ya sat at the dining table, looking uneasy.

Dad held her hand. “It’s all right. Tongtong has grown up.”

I gave no reaction, neither objecting nor silently agreeing.

We began dinner in silence. Zhou Ya placed food in my bowl and smiled ingratiatingly. “Ayi used the serving chopsticks. Your father said this is your favorite.”

Translator’s note: Ayi means “auntie,” used for a woman of one’s parents’ generation. Zhou Ya calls herself this; later Dad calls her Zhou-ayi, “Auntie Zhou.”

I still avoided communicating with her, afraid it would cause an argument.

Seeing no response, she smiled awkwardly.

When she sat down to eat again, she barely managed a few grains of rice.

Dad felt sorry for her. But after looking at me, he said nothing.

Zhou Punan kept his head down, eating only the celery directly before him.

I saw a thin collarbone partly exposed at the collar of his white short-sleeved shirt. No wonder he was so skinny.

By the end of the meal, I hadn’t touched the food Zhou Ya had given me.

Nor the layer of rice beneath it.

As I was leaving, Dad stopped me and took me into the courtyard. My mother liked flowers, and the courtyard was full of them.

It was late summer. The garden still bloomed vividly.

Tiny insects hovered among the flowers, looking cuter beneath the dim evening lights than in daylight.

Dad said, “Come back home. It’s closer to school, and there’s a driver. You can sleep a little longer in the mornings.”

I hadn’t expected that and froze.

I stared at him. Beneath the moonlight and lamps, that familiar face no longer had the handsome fullness I remembered.

Everyone grew old. I suddenly realized it.

He looked at me with complicated eyes. There was something he wanted to say. After repeated hesitation, he finally said it.

“Tongtong, come home.”

I knew he wasn’t good at expressing himself. He’d started with nothing and built his company step by step. I hated him for giving up our beautiful home. Yet at this moment, a single look moved me so easily, because I’d never hated the fact that he was my father.

I forgot how I’d agreed, but early the next morning, he drove over to take me home.

When I returned, my room was exactly as I’d left it. Nothing had changed.

Time seemed to have stopped there, waiting for me to restart it.

I didn’t know whether it was because of the book’s plot, but Zhou Punan and I were placed in the same class.

On the day we chose seats, I arrived early and picked the back row by the window.

Zhou Punan came in two or three people after me. Empty seats were everywhere, and the area beside me was deserted. Without hesitation, he sat in the first desk in the row by the door.

The farthest possible place from me.

The next few people all chose seats near him.

Soon, the seats around him were full. In a classroom of empty desks, his area was especially lively.

And he was the cool silence within that liveliness.

Soon, as more people arrived, I was surrounded, too.

The two in front were boys, both with dyed hair on the first day of school.

One had watery blue hair, the other reddish brown.

With their slender, fair necks, they looked like boys who’d stepped out of an anime.

My deskmate was a girl with dyed hair, too.

Unlike the two in front, she’d only dyed two strands.

Quite distinctive.

She was also immediately friendly. “I’m Chen Wanwan. What’s your name?”

“Meng Tongci.”

Chen Wanwan’s brows and eyes curved, living up to the “curve” in her name. “Your name sounds so lovely!”

Translator’s note: Wan1, 弯, means “curved” or “bent.” Her smiling eyes echo her name.

I said hers did, too.

Chen Wanwan was very nice. The two boys in front turned around, and we introduced ourselves.

The blue-haired one was Jian Chen. The red-haired one was Lin Xiao.

Those two looked especially good together. Add Chen Wanwan, and nothing seemed out of place.

Especially striking. Especially eye-catching.

Almost every classmate scanning the room paused at our corner for two seconds.

But it wasn’t only classmates. The homeroom teacher we met that first day paused, too.

She pushed up her glasses, seemingly unable to accept it.

Then she called the three of them away for a “friendly exchange.”

When they returned, they were indignant, devising eighty-one versions of their grand battle against the homeroom teacher.

The next day, when I saw them, their hair was all black.

…

High school became much more interesting because I’d met these three oddballs.

My days at school weren’t nearly as gloomy as the book described.

But sitting at the same dinner table as Zhou Ya every evening still felt awful.

It was a pain I couldn’t vent, could only endure in silence, and it kept growing worse.

Specifically, every day Zhou Ya took the serving chopsticks and smiled ingratiatingly as she placed food in my bowl, even though I never ate a bite.

And every day Dad found new ways to praise her. “Tongtong, try the ribs. Zhou-ayi knew you liked them and made them especially for you…”

I only stayed silent. Lately, I’d been giving up my favorite dishes one after another.

Sometimes, seeing my unpleasant expression, Zhou Ya finally restrained herself. But then I’d look up and see Zhou Punan’s expressionless face.

My appetite vanished instantly. In the five days since returning home, I’d lost three jin.

That day brought another silent dinner. Zhou Ya again put food in my bowl. Worn past patience, I pushed it to the edge and ate the rice.

That straightforward, easy-to-understand action made her face turn pale.

I didn’t know what crazy fit had seized Dad. “Zhou-ayi only means well. Don’t you like that dish?”

I’d had nowhere to vent, and now an opening presented itself. Even so, I restrained myself. “I don’t like it anymore.”

My words froze the table for two seconds.

Angrily, Dad called my name. “Meng Tongci, when did your tastes change again?”

Hearing my full name spoken with that anger awakened memories. In them, he’d always called me that.

—Meng Tongci, stop watching TV.

—Meng Tongci, eat less candy.

—Meng Tongci, you’ve been fighting with the other children again.

…

The name was the same every time. Only this time, it tasted different.

Tears filled my eyes, but I forced them back. “Just now. I can’t swallow food given to me by a mistress. It disgusts me enough to throw up.”

I stood abruptly, the chair legs scraping harshly against the floor.

I didn’t see Zhou Ya’s deathly pale face or the disbelief in Dad’s eyes.

Only as I passed Zhou Punan did he suddenly reach out and catch the hem of my clothes.

I stopped. Tears had already betrayed me, falling onto the back of his hand.

“Get lost.”

As though scalded, he abruptly let go.

I strode away, preserving my dignity.

Zhou Punan froze as if someone had pressed pause, his eyes lowered to the damp spot on his hand.

He didn’t know what had burned him. Perhaps my telling him to get lost. Perhaps the tears that had fallen onto his hand. Perhaps the accidental meeting of our eyes, when he’d clearly seen mine full of tears.

I returned to my room and hid beneath the quilt.

Forcing myself to calm down, I carefully considered the changes in myself over these days.

The detachment and freedom I’d felt on first seeing the plot had been worn thinner and thinner by the real, vivid life I lived each day.

I showered and cleaned myself up.

I’d just left the steam-filled bathroom when a knock came.

I changed clothes at my own pace and opened the door. Sure enough, it was Zhou Punan.

He stood straight in the doorway.

In the few months I hadn’t paid attention, he’d grown half a head taller than me.

Still thin, though. Still pale.

He lowered his eyes to me, without much emotion in them. “Meng Tongci, let’s talk.”

It was the first time I’d heard my name from his mouth.

Strangely, it didn’t sound out of place.

Downstairs, the lights spread a faint orange glow. I knew Dad was still awake there.

I stepped aside.

“Come in, then.”

And so Zhou Punan stood in my room.

“What do you want to talk about?”

I asked him.

He said, “Don’t move out again.”

Puzzled, I asked, “This is my home. Why would I move out?”

He seemed relieved. Apparently, things hadn’t been pleasant here during the days I’d been gone.

Struggle appeared in his eyes. Then he said, “Could you… stop targeting Zhou Ya?”

I couldn’t believe it. I’d endured this much, and he still thought I was targeting her?

“What should I do, then? Kneel and pay my respects to her every morning?”

He frowned and looked up into my guarded, sharp gaze.

For a moment, the atmosphere was swords drawn and bows bent.

After several seconds of confrontation, he looked away and said, “Zhou Ya wronged you. I’ll compensate you for her. Hit me, curse me. Whatever you do, I won’t resist…”

I laughed. Wasn’t this exactly the plot of the book?

And hadn’t it still ended in misery?

I was sick of it. Looking at him, my eyes full of disgust, I said, “Stay far away from me. Tell Zhou Ya to stop disgusting me. I don’t have time to get tangled up with you and act in a tearjerker.”

His hands clenched into fists at his sides.

Veins stood out.

I opened the door, signaling for him to get lost.

It worked. From that day onward, Zhou Ya deliberately avoided eating with me. When Zhou Punan occasionally passed me at school, he acted as though he hadn’t seen me.

Without those people, I lived more happily.

Yang Zhao went to intensive training. He’d been amazing at games since childhood. Before leaving, he grinned and said he’d bring back a gold medal for me to see.

I called him a braggart, but I sincerely hoped he’d succeed. It was his dream, after all.

Time passed quickly. Through days of idle banter, Chen Wanwan, Jian Chen, Lin Xiao, and I soon became fox friends and dog buddies, a no-good little gang.

Jian Chen and Lin Xiao particularly disliked studying. But with those good looks, playing dumb and clowning around for the teachers, they were quite well liked.

Almost every time one was called on, the whole class burst out laughing.

On our first Christmas Eve in high school, our four desks were practically buried in elaborately wrapped apples.

Translator’s note: Christmas Eve is Ping’an Ye, “Peaceful Night,” and apples (ping2guo3) echo ping2’an1, “peace,” so students gift apples that night.

When we returned from dinner, there wasn’t even room to sit on our chairs.

Wanwan worried aloud, “What do we do?”

Looking at the apples, Lin Xiao was worried, too. “Where are we supposed to play cards?”

Jian Chen thought seriously. “How about sitting on the floor?”

Me: …

In the end, we took out and kept all the little cards, then divided the apples equally among our six subject teachers.

Jian Chen and Lin Xiao delivered them. Every teacher beamed with delight.

The school was full of holiday atmosphere. With vacation approaching, everyone was happy.

Zhou Punan studied at his desk all day. At first, everyone had wanted to talk to him, but he was too aloof.

Once our classmates understood his temperament, they stopped being drawn by his face and aura.

Still, he received many apples from girls in other classes.

He didn’t eat any, tossing them all onto the floor.

If anyone in class wanted one and asked, he’d casually give it to them.

I said nothing, pulled on my down jacket, and went downstairs for air.

The school cat had a litter of kittens that winter.

The elderly gatekeeper built them a little wooden house, and students filled it with all kinds of warm things. The kittens could live comfortably even in the cold.

I bought several ham sausages, tore them open, and fed the cats.

Raised at school, the cats weren’t afraid of people at all. They were all fat, too.

Heavy snow suddenly began falling on Christmas Eve. Flakes swirled through the air. Next year would be a good year.

During the second evening class, the math teacher, who usually occupied every minute, actually stopped teaching.

“Look at you. Every one of your hearts has flown outside…”

Lin Xiao voiced everyone’s thoughts. “Teacher—then let us go out and play! We’ve studied for a whole semester!”

“Exactly! Teacher—”

One call brought a hundred responses.

The classroom was incredibly lively. Even winter’s cold couldn’t suppress the enthusiasm of fifteen- and sixteen-year-olds.

Smiling, the math teacher told us to be quiet. At a moment like this, everyone became clever, blinking bright eyes at him.

He was over fifty. With a gentle toss of his hand, the chalk obediently landed in its box.

“Go on…”

Everyone cheered and rushed downstairs, afraid he’d change his mind the next second.

Sitting at the front, the math teacher felt the gust of wind we’d stirred up.

“You lot…”

He smiled and shook his head.

The snow had already piled thickly.

Wild with excitement, we chased one another and threw snow.

I was a little sensitive to cold, so I crouched quietly making snowballs. A gust came. I looked behind me, and sure enough, Lin Xiao was running toward me with snow in his hand.

I threw my snowball directly at him. Surprisingly accurate, it hit his face.

I hadn’t packed it tightly. The moment it struck, it scattered and plastered him all over.

Furious, he ignored the snow on his face and chased me.

Naturally, I hit and ran.

At Lin Xiao’s shout, Jian Chen moved to intercept me. I hurriedly called Chen Wanwan.

The four of us fought together, running and throwing.

Looking at all the commotion, I secretly slipped aside to watch the other three pelt each other.

Unfortunately, I got caught. Still holding a grudge, Lin Xiao suggested lifting me and tossing me into a snowbank.

All three came for me.

One against three, I was quickly captured.

They really lifted me and began threatening me.

Held horizontally, I tried to turn them against one another. “Lin Xiao, have you forgotten who lets you copy homework?”

“I can copy someone else’s!”

I looked at Chen Wanwan. “Wanwan, you’re my best sister.”

“Who abandoned her best sister to fight a snowball battle alone?”

I kicked Jian Chen lightly. “Jian Chen, that older girl you said was pretty last time? I actually have her WeChat.”

Jian Chen’s pupils shook. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“It’s not too late now.”

He defected instantly and put down my legs.

I struggled upright and joined Jian Chen against the other two.

We chased, laughed, and shouted. Someone pushed me in the chaos. I stumbled forward. Chen Wanwan and Lin Xiao caught me at the same time, only to be knocked over by Jian Chen lunging from behind.

We’re done.

That was what I thought for an instant.

Instead, I fell onto someone, knocking him flat into the snow.

All of us collapsed in a heap.

I saw a familiar face.

Zhou Punan.

Bad luck, I thought.

He looked at me, his eyes dark, his expression barely warmer than the snow.

The other three knew nothing of the tangled history between us. Lin Xiao stood up, somehow happier after falling, pulled me up, and apologized to Zhou Punan.

Chen Wanwan and Jian Chen were still blaming each other.

Making no attempt to hide my disgust, I pulled Lin Xiao away.

He hadn’t finished speaking when I dragged him off.

After a while, he noticed something was wrong. “Did Zhou Punan offend you?”

“He looks annoying.”

Shocked, he said, “Are you allergic to handsome guys? No wonder you showed me no mercy today.”

I rolled my eyes.

Laughing, he let the matter pass. “All right. From now on, I’ll be on your side. I’ll tell Chen Wanwan and Jian Chen, too. We’ll stand firmly with you!”

I smiled, and the unhappiness in my heart suddenly dispersed.

He pushed my shoulders forward.

“Stop being so brooding…”

That little episode changed nothing in my life. Final exams arrived on schedule.

Without a doubt, Zhou Punan would be first.

Everyone called him a god of studying who didn’t partake of mortal smoke and fire. He never initiated a conversation. When others spoke to him, he was as stingy with words as if each one were gold.

I remembered that in the plot, he’d been like this, too: withdrawn and hard to approach.

But in the plot, it wasn’t only that he didn’t make friends. No one ever tried to befriend him, either.

Because on the first day of school, I’d told everyone around me that his mother had driven mine away and destroyed my family.

Making him unable to hold his head up at school had been my revenge in the plot.

We had a long winter vacation.

Dad suggested Zhou Punan tutor me. I refused without thinking.

However good his grades were, they had nothing to do with me. We’d only look at each other with mutual dislike.

On New Year’s Eve, to avoid clashing with Zhou Ya and her son, I went out as soon as I got up. Chen Wanwan and the others had organized a gathering at a karaoke place and invited me.

When I entered the private room, Lin Xiao was complaining.

“Who comes to karaoke in the middle of the afternoon…?”

Chen Wanwan shot back mercilessly, “Then where do you think you are right now?”

Everyone was noisy and lively.

I’d sat for a while when some genius suddenly wanted hot pot.

They actually ordered delivery to the karaoke room.

So everyone gathered around for hot pot.

Some drank alcohol. I didn’t.

The afternoon passed in a blur. It was so loud inside that I hadn’t heard Dad’s call.

Some people grew a little tipsy. Amid the noise, the conversation somehow turned to me.

I was pressured into drinking a little and became slightly intoxicated.

Then Chen Wanwan insisted on hearing me sing.

I’d had a little too much, too. When the microphone was put before me, I took it automatically.

The song was already halfway through. Looking at the lyrics, I began humming softly.

My mother sang beautifully. So did I.

I’d liked singing, too. But since my mother left, I hadn’t sung again.

The gentle music flowed, and the room gradually quieted.

I softly finished the song and felt a gaze that was difficult to ignore.

Looking over, I saw the door open and Zhou Punan standing in the darkness.

I walked over. He looked at me.

I couldn’t see him clearly, only heard his ordinary voice. “Meng-shu sent me to bring you home.”

Having drunk, I felt a little hot and didn’t notice the cold wind as I walked.

I went ahead, Zhou Punan behind.

It seemed to overlap with that very first scene, except he’d grown so much taller.

The wariness in his eyes was hidden beneath a deep darkness.

As I walked, I could hear only the wind.

In our few encounters, there was always silence between Zhou Punan and me.

I hated his mother for breaking up my family, and by extension, hated him, the tag-along she’d brought with her.

He also hated his mother for resolutely abandoning his father and falling into another man’s arms. By extension, he hated my father, and me.

I’d read the entire novel. If it had nothing to do with me, I’d only have sighed over all this messy love.

But I was inside the book. These people’s tangled affections had caught me, too, stealing so much happiness.

Hatred deprived people of joy and trapped them in a cage.

I knew that. I simply couldn’t act on it.

I didn’t know whether Zhou Punan understood it, but I’d never seen him smile.

In front of anyone.

A man approached from ahead, wrapped in a long coat, his hair a little long.

On this snowy New Year’s Eve, his solitary figure seemed lonelier still.

I intended to pass him, but he stopped.

I saw that he was probably in his forties, very thin.

Something about his brows and eyes looked familiar.

I kept walking, but no footsteps crunched through the snow behind me.

Zhou Punan had stopped, too.

He and the man stood two meters apart, looking at each other.

In an instant, I understood. That must be Zhou Punan’s father.

The plot only said Zhou Punan began miserably and later became formidable. It never described his father.

This was someone opaque to me.

They looked at each other for two seconds. It was hard to describe the feeling. Like strangers, yet like two versions of the same person.

The wind and snow remained heavy. Finally, the man only said, “You’ve grown taller.”

Zhou Punan nodded.

Then they parted.

On the rest of the way home, the atmosphere remained silent. But I could feel that Zhou Punan’s heart wasn’t quiet.

Suddenly, I remembered a line from the book.

[Zhou Punan had originally been called Zheng Punan.]

That meaningless sentence appeared in my mind and kept circling.

Back home, a table full of steaming dishes waited. I had little appetite, ate a couple of bites, and left.

In my room, I finally got the call from Mom I’d been waiting for.

After their divorce, I’d thought myself the unhappiest person in the world.

I hated Dad and stubbornly refused to call Mom, who’d left without a word.

I’d never asked why she hadn’t taken me with her.

But deep down, I resented her and forced myself not to contact her.

Everything I’d clung to collapsed the moment I heard her voice.

Only because she was the person who loved me most in the world. Every grievance I could endure became tears before her.

Hearing her voice felt like a lifetime had passed. “Tongtong, happy New Year.”

Choking, I asked, “Where are you?”

She couldn’t say clearly.

I asked her, “Why didn’t you take me with you? Didn’t you say I was your little heart-and-liver, your precious treasure?”

Translator’s note: Xingan baobei, “heart-and-liver treasure,” is a common Chinese endearment for a beloved child.

I heard her cry, too.

“You think leaving without my heart-and-liver doesn’t hurt…?”

Yang Zhao’s team reached the finals.

I gathered a crowd to watch his match. He’d become very popular lately, thanks to his looks and skill.

He won. Everyone cheered.

For some reason, I felt excited, my blood boiling.

Without thinking, I called him, then remembered he probably didn’t have his phone and hung up.

Our group had nearly finished eating. We agreed to meet again another day.

It was dark again. Leaving the club, I saw Zhou Punan.

He stood thinly in the cold wind. The moment he looked up at me seemed like a reunion an idol drama character had waited a thousand years for.

I frowned. “You came for me?”

He nodded.

Seeing his face pale from the cold, I felt no gratitude, only puzzlement. “How did you know I was here?”

Expressionless, he said, “Meng-shu told me.”

Dad had probably sent him again. So annoying.

I walked a few steps, and Zhou Punan followed like a shadow.

My good mood disrupted, I simply turned around.

I hadn’t expected to meet his gaze directly.

I paused, then said, “Next time my father tells you to pick me up, don’t come.”

He shook his head. “It isn’t safe for you…”

I wanted to argue, but before I could speak, my phone rang.

Yang Zhao.

I answered and listened while walking ahead.

“You called me?”

From far away, his voice reached my ear clearly through the phone.

“Mm.”

He laughed softly. “What for?”

I was about to congratulate him.

But he said, “Don’t tell me yet. Let me guess… You wanted to congratulate me on winning?”

I smiled, too, playing along. “You’re really too clever. A divine fortune-teller, aren’t you? You even guessed that.”

“Then why don’t you guess what I want to tell you?”

My mind was blank. “What?”

He complained, “So stupid. Happy New Year, obviously.”

I laughed. “You sound like you’re in a good mood.”

He sounded completely in the right. “I won ah.”

Chatting casually, I said, “I hear someone crying beside you…”

Just as casually, he answered, “Yeah. Because he lost…”

I finally realized something was wrong. “What are you doing right now?”

His voice smiled. “Calling you. And giving an interview on the side.”

Hearing that, I said, “Remember to buy me dinner when you get back.”

Then I hung up.

I kept walking in the cold wind. But it didn’t seem quite so cold anymore.

On the other end, Yang Zhao put away his phone. When he looked up at the reporters, the smile in his eyes hadn’t faded.

Their eyes shone with gossip as they asked who’d called him.

Beside Yang Zhao, the player who’d lost was crying beneath a cloud of gloom. Yang Zhao, meanwhile, was a young man in the full flush of triumph.

He smiled again, little points of light in his eyes.

“Why don’t you guess…?”

Zhou Punan still followed silently behind me.

Not long after New Year, school began again.

Everyone had changed in the new term.

The homeroom teacher gave the same old opening speech, yet our classmates listened with enthusiasm.

Perhaps that was the magic of a new term: a beginning full of hope.

But my happy days barely lasted two days before someone came looking for trouble.

It began when Chen Wanwan suddenly took it into her head to study. As her friends, Jian Chen, Lin Xiao, and I said we didn’t believe her, but naturally did everything we could to help.

I didn’t know what had inspired her, but she actually began studying seriously.

With one person missing from our four-player 414 card game, we stopped playing.

Lin Xiao and Jian Chen alternated between sleeping through one class and half-listening to the next.

Of the four of us, only my grades were a little better.

Still, I’d done nothing over the vacation. Who knew how far I’d fall in the start-of-term exams?

Whenever Chen Wanwan didn’t understand something, she asked me. If I knew, I told her. If I didn’t, or wasn’t certain, we looked through the books together.

But Chen Wanwan had a sworn enemy who couldn’t stand seeing her improve.

Her hard work attracted Zhang Sangsang’s attention.

So Zhang Sangsang added a new daily activity: throwing shade at Chen Wanwan.

At first, we didn’t know they were sworn enemies. Hearing Zhang Sangsang’s strange tone, we even found it amusing. Especially Lin Xiao, whose sense of humor was peculiar. Whenever she threw shade, he laughed uncontrollably.

Later, Jian Chen imitated her speech to amuse him. Every time, Lin Xiao laughed until he held his stomach, and Zhang Sangsang’s eyes bulged with anger.

We’d always thought it a little seasoning in our boring lives. But soon, I noticed Chen Wanwan never laughed with us.

She always listened to Zhang Sangsang’s barbs without expression.

That wasn’t right. When I asked, she told me Zhang Sangsang’s mother had compared them since childhood.

After one exam in which Zhang Sangsang pulled ahead, her mother had practically come every day to boast about her daughter’s grades.

If Chen Wanwan had had ambition, she’d have sworn to outstudy Zhang Sangsang. Unfortunately, she’d understood the benefits of lying flat from childhood and cared less and less about her studies.

After hearing her explanation, I couldn’t laugh at Zhang Sangsang anymore. She was mocking my friend, after all.

“Some people have holes in their brains, yet still want to study…”

Her intonation really was strange, like someone hawking vegetables, with several extra twists.

Lin Xiao burst out laughing again. Jian Chen imitated her beside him.

Those two were really mischievous. They enraged her completely.

“What are you laughing at?!”

“What are you copying?!”

Imitating someone really was annoying. But since the target was Zhang Sangsang, pretend I never said that.

I quietly watched the show.

Seeing that she was truly angry, Lin Xiao hurriedly suppressed his laughter. Jian Chen smiled apologetically. “Sorry about that…”

Clearly unwilling to let go of her advantage, Zhang Sangsang saw me watching from behind and became furious.

“The four of you learn nothing all day and only drag down the class average. What use are good looks? You still can’t do anything!”

She turned her fire on Jian Chen and Lin Xiao again. “You dare imitate me? Why don’t you imitate some studying instead of sleeping all day? Do you think acting crazy and stupid in class and begging teachers for a couple of PE periods makes everyone like you?”

All our expressions changed. If we hadn’t dragged down the average as she said, perhaps we could have laughed it off. The problem was, not everything she said was nonsense.

Suppressing the hurt, I answered coldly, “Then if you’re so capable, don’t go to PE. You looked pretty happy during the snowball fight last time. Why weren’t you studying in the classroom?”

I stood and declared, “Just wait. We’ll definitely beat you in the midterms!”

She froze, then sneered.

I cut her off. “And next time Jian Chen and Lin Xiao ‘act crazy and stupid’ to get a PE period, I hope you won’t have the shamelessness to come downstairs.”

Zhang Sangsang’s face stiffened. “Then I won’t. Who cares…”

Having made the declaration, I naturally had to study hard.

Even the usually carefree Jian Chen and Lin Xiao had been provoked and announced their intention to study.

Chen Wanwan was furious and stopped choosing to lie flat.

“Mocking me is one thing. She actually mocked the brothers who’ve been through life and death with me! This time, I have to beat her!”

I thought everyone showed great ambition.

Then I said we absolutely shouldn’t guess carelessly on the start-of-term exams. We should answer seriously and see our true level.

The exams followed.

Two days later, the rankings came out.

The four of us met at a milk-tea shop that weekend to analyze our results.

I began. “I’ll go first. Seven hundred thirtieth.”

Our year had exactly a thousand students.

Chen Wanwan followed. “Eight hundred twenty-first.”

Jian Chen: “Nine hundred twelfth.”

Lin Xiao: “Nine hundred twenty-second.”

We fell silent.

Lin Xiao suggested, “Why don’t we see where Zhang Sangsang ranked?”

The four of us searched down the list.

Finally, Chen Wanwan found her. “Here. Seven hundred first.”

Lin Xiao sighed with relief. “Not as frightening as I thought. With that arrogant attitude, I expected something amazing. Turns out that’s all she’s got.”

It wasn’t only Lin Xiao. I’d thought the same.

Seeing that her rank wasn’t so high, I quietly relaxed, too.

We rallied our spirits and began studying in the milk-tea shop.

By the time we’d worked through half the exam papers, it was dark.

We agreed to meet again tomorrow.

Zhou Punan was standing at the door again.

My temper was almost worn away. “You don’t need to come.”

Dizzy from a whole day of problems, Lin Xiao came over. “Who are you talking to?”

He looked up and saw Zhou Punan.

Though none of them knew exactly what lay between Zhou Punan and me, they stood firmly on my side.

“Come on. I’ll take you home.”

Lin Xiao stood beside me, facing him.

Completely unaffected, Zhou Punan followed behind us for half the journey.

At first, Lin Xiao deliberately chatted with me to exclude him. But soon, in Zhou Punan’s silence, even that faded away.

There was something strange about his silence. He did nothing, yet it seemed contagious.

Who could be happy beside him?

Halfway home, Zhou Punan suddenly spoke. “I can help you.”

Lin Xiao said nothing, waiting for my response.

Without thinking, I said, “No need.”

For the first time, he smiled—but mockingly. “Then you’ll never beat Zhang Sangsang.”

Angered, I asked, “What gives you the right to say that? We can hire a tutor. You’re not the only person who can solve problems.”

His smile disappeared. Looking at me seriously, he said, “What about during class? Are you going to stop attending? A tutor can only help after school, which doesn’t leave much time. And adapting to a teacher’s way of explaining takes time. I’m your classmate. We listen to the same teachers. My approach will be closer to yours.”

Listening, I realized he really wanted to help us.

He was right. Jian Chen, Lin Xiao, Chen Wanwan, and I were all full of passion to surpass Zhang Sangsang. But passion alone would be hard to sustain.

We did need someone who could guide our studying.

I decided to cooperate with Zhou Punan. Everything else could wait. The immediate problem of Zhang Sangsang had to be dealt with.

With my agreement, Lin Xiao, Jian Chen, and Chen Wanwan began asking Zhou Punan questions.

At first, they restrained themselves. Later, seeing how clearly he explained, they went to him after every class.

Every day, Zhang Sangsang threw shade. “Could certain classmates stop going to someone else’s desk all the time? Isn’t he annoyed?”

The three pretended not to hear. Zhou Punan’s expression remained unchanged.

The next day, he switched seats with the student in front of Lin Xiao.

Zhang Sangsang’s face turned green.

Ignoring her, we ran forward with all our strength.

Other classmates gradually began asking Zhou Punan questions, too. To their surprise, though he was aloof and quiet, he answered everything asked.

At the next monthly exam, all four of us shot upward. I’d already surpassed Zhang Sangsang, and Wanwan was around her level.

Jian Chen and Lin Xiao improved considerably, too. Discovering that effort brought progress made them happy.

With arms around Zhou Punan’s shoulders, they said they’d take him to play basketball.

Zhou Punan looked constipated, awkwardly saying he wasn’t very good.

Lin Xiao didn’t listen. He and Jian Chen simply hauled him to the court.

…

Another month passed, and midterms began.

This was the battle of face and dignity I’d declared against Zhang Sangsang.

The ending was gratifying. We won.

When the rankings came out, Chen Wanwan jumped for joy on the spot. After everything, the bond of comradeship among us was stronger.

At the class meeting, the teacher asked the students who’d improved to share their study methods. We unanimously chose Chen Wanwan, our resident lying-flat monster.

It was only a class meeting, but I saw her prepare carefully for a long time.

She was nervous at first, then grew more fluent.

After summarizing her methods, her eyes burned as she looked at Zhang Sangsang. “I’ll study harder. Not because of what anyone thinks, but because I want to learn. I hate living under other people’s gaze, and I hate being compared with others.”

Chen Wanwan glowed at that class meeting, more eye-catching than when I’d first seen her two dyed strands.

She was right. The moment we’d seen our results, Zhang Sangsang had stopped mattering.

It was difficult to express the feeling. Like using all your strength to clear the thorns from a road, expecting to walk the smooth path you’d wanted, only to discover you yearned more for the view from a cliff.

It wasn’t wasted effort. It was a boundless future.

Good things came in pairs. After nearly half a year, Jian Chen finally won over that older girl.

We decided to celebrate everything together.

The weather had grown much warmer. We no longer insisted on hot pot.

At the barbecue restaurant, Chen Wanwan, Lin Xiao, Zhou Punan, and I arrived first. Jian Chen went to pick up his girlfriend.

Her name was Sun Sihan. When I’d just begun my first year, she’d caught me arriving late once.

But she was gentle and only told me to be careful next time.

That was how we’d met.

When Sun Sihan arrived, Lin Xiao started teasing them, and everything became lively.

Zhou Punan sat in a corner with a little smile on his face.

After playing basketball with Lin Xiao and the others for these months, he’d become a little tanned and much taller.

Even sitting quietly in the corner, he seemed less at odds with the world.

I didn’t know whether I imagined it, but I kept feeling that Sun Sihan was looking toward him.

My suspicion wasn’t unfounded. Over the next two days, Jian Chen remained gloomy.

He came to me. “Hanhan and I fought.”

I quietly waited for the next sentence.

“Because she keeps asking me about Zhou Punan…” His little face was full of misery.

“She hasn’t fallen for him at first sight, has she…?”

I’d been single since birth, but even so, I thought feelings were best discussed openly.

I told Jian Chen to ask Sun Sihan directly instead of hesitating. At worst, the bridge would go back to being a bridge and the road to being a road, each going their separate way.

He listened and decided to find her immediately.

Afraid he’d be impulsive, I hurried after him.

No wonder Jian Chen had grown to 187 centimeters. His legs were long, too. I’d only started a few seconds later, yet catching him became difficult.

By the time I caught sight of his back, we’d somehow reached the rear sports field.

I ran over and found him watching two other people: Sun Sihan and Zhou Punan.

Sun Sihan held a beautifully wrapped letter in a pink envelope.

Zhou Punan stood with both hands in his pockets, looking a little shy.

I covered my face with both hands. This damned dog-blood melodrama.

Jian Chen had already rushed forward. I reached for him and didn’t even catch his clothes.

Sun Sihan looked surprised, but Jian Chen went straight at Zhou Punan.

He shoved him. “I treated you as my brother, and this is how you repay me?”

Zhou Punan’s face paled. Frowning, he looked at Jian Chen.

Pain and disgust filled Jian Chen’s eyes. “I pursued her sincerely for half a year, and you steal her so easily! Truly a mistress’s son. Just as skilled as your mother!”

At those words, everyone’s expression changed. Zhou Punan looked directly at me.

Suddenly, I panicked. I didn’t know how Jian Chen knew.

Sun Sihan wrapped both hands around his arm. “Calm down. It isn’t what you think…”

Jian Chen jerked free. Looking at her with pure hurt, he asked, “Then what is it? I knew you didn’t really like me. You only couldn’t stand my pestering…”

Jian Chen left. Sun Sihan stood frozen.

Zhou Punan watched the farce without a word from beginning to end, as though it were someone else’s story.

Before leaving, he looked my way once more. His gaze was a gray, overcast sky.

Holding the love letter, Sun Sihan showed it to me.

I didn’t open it, only looked at the envelope. The sender’s name was completely unfamiliar.

“My friend gave this to me. She liked Zheng Punan in middle school.”

Just then, I saw a line of cute cartoon lettering:

—to Zheng Punan

A bright little red heart followed it.

“My friend attended the same middle school as Zhou Punan and was a year above him, too. She had a crush on him for two years. When she graduated, her family insisted on sending her abroad.

“So she wrote a letter and gave it to me, saying that if I had the chance, I should let Zheng Punan read it.

“I don’t think she had much hope when she told me. She only wanted an ending to her two-year crush.

“But no one expected Zheng Punan to become Zhou Punan and come to the same high school as me.

“At first, I only thought the names were similar. Zhou Punan doesn’t like talking to people. At school, he does nothing but study. He’s too withdrawn.

“Everything I knew about Zheng Punan came from my friend. She said he was very good-looking. Though a little short, his delicate features made him look like a doll. She said he liked helping people. In winter, the lanes after evening classes were pitch-black, and the girls going home were afraid. Zheng Punan got up very early and replaced all the dim bulbs with bright white ones. At night, that lane became the brightest place on the street…

“The only time I met him was during summer vacation, when I went to visit my friend. We ran into him while shopping. He wore a sports headband and held a basketball.

“My friend went over and teased him: Whose child is this, looking so handsome?

“Two red patches immediately appeared on his fair face. He smiled shyly and gave an answer as mismatched as a donkey’s lips to a horse’s mouth: I’m learning basketball…”

I was stunned. This was nothing like the Zhou Punan I remembered. Nothing like anyone here’s impression of him.

“When Jian Chen and I ate with you that day, I saw Zhou Punan. His face was the same, only so thin it had angles, and he’d grown much taller…

“For a moment, I didn’t dare recognize him. Not because of the changes outside, but because of the gloom and silence around him.

“Zheng Punan was shy spring grass, full of life.

“Zhou Punan was a silent wind chime, with only the outer form remaining.”

Spring turned to summer. In a blink, the seasons completed another round.

Yang Zhao’s matches had reached the world stage. His training was intense, but one victory followed another.

All four of us had steady grades now. Sun Sihan explained the matter of Zhou Punan to Jian Chen and promised to give him more reassurance in the future.

I hadn’t known how Jian Chen learned about my family. Later, when I pressed him, it turned out all three knew the relationship between Zhou Punan and me.

Lin Xiao’s family were business partners with my father and already knew him. After Lin Xiao mentioned me a few times at home, he naturally learned about it.

Lin Xiao apologized to Zhou Punan. Zhou Punan said nothing, silent as usual.

I told them not to spread it.

A week before my birthday, while doing homework in Dad’s study, I accidentally found a letter.

A very old love letter.

I saw that Dad had signed it. It was addressed to Zhou Ya.

Opening it, I learned that Zhou Ya had been Dad’s goddess during his school days, the unattainable white moonlight in his heart.

The letter was full of Dad’s youthful, pure affection. Reading it hurt me.

At the end, he’d written:

—I know you won’t like me, because your heart already belongs to Zheng Jun, who’s good at everything.

—So I won’t send this letter.

I frowned deeply. All these years, Dad had never let go of someone.

Then what was Mom? A substitute?

The anger and hatred time had gradually worn down surged back into my heart.

Fury burned inside me, but I wasn’t as impulsive as before.

I decided to make a plan. I would transfer away all Meng Zheng’s assets and leave them with nothing.

Holding down my anger, I thought about revenge with near excitement.

The next day, Dad said he’d take me back to the old house.

It was somewhere else, less prosperous than here, but gentle and peaceful.

Since my mother left and Zhou Ya and her son moved in, I’d placed my sense of home there.

I agreed. But when we arrived, Zhou Ya and Zhou Punan stood at the entrance. They looked as though they’d emerged from the old house itself. Like its owners.

Though I’d only resolved to take revenge yesterday, I still couldn’t bear this moment. I pushed away Dad’s arm from my shoulders.

I shouted at him, “Make them get lost—!”

Dad froze, unable to understand why, after so long of peaceful coexistence with Zhou Ya and Zhou Punan, I’d suddenly exploded.

More than a furious argument with him, that look of disbelief hurt me.

He looked at me as though I’d become someone he’d never seen.

“Tongtong…” Zhou Ya came forward to soothe me.

I shoved her away. She staggered and nearly fell, but Zhou Punan caught her from behind.

I ran into the old house and shut them all outside.

If Zhou Ya was his white moonlight, what was my mother?

And what was I?

I’d thought Meng Zheng had suddenly lost his feelings for Mom, but that I’d been born from their love. I hadn’t imagined he’d loved Zhou Ya all along.

I no longer understood. In Dad’s heart, what exactly was I?

Perhaps only a responsibility.

I locked my bedroom and hid under the quilt. But the creak of the old wooden door opening still reached me.

I knew Dad had brought them inside.

My own weakness hurt me deeply. I couldn’t protect anything.

I stayed under the quilt all afternoon. Partway through, Dad knocked and told me to come down for food. I said nothing.

He came several times, then left.

Exhausted from crying, I fell asleep.

Some things always arrive without warning. That’s why people call them accidents.

In the middle of the night, a violent noise woke me from my dream. The room was full of gray smoke, and firelight shone through the gap beneath the door.

Someone was still pounding on it, making a tremendous noise.

I jumped from bed and hurriedly opened it. The handle was already warm.

Dad appeared before me amid the firelight, his face full of anxiety. Without a word, he pressed a wet towel over my face and pulled me toward the stairs.

I understood. There was a fire.

I immediately grabbed him. Choking on the thick smoke and coughing uncontrollably, Dad struggled to say, “This isn’t the time for a tantrum. Come outside with me.”

I finally pulled free of the towel. “No. Follow me.”

I dragged him back. Flames had already begun spreading through the room.

Finding the key by the bed, I opened the balcony door. Dad thought I meant to jump and coughed even harder in anger.

I led him over. There was a little slide.

He froze. That slide had long been buried in his memories. Now it saved our lives.

We escaped the burning house and ran outside to breathe.

Looking at the flames, he suddenly remembered Zhou Ya.

He took the towel, covered his mouth and nose, and tried to run back inside.

I caught his hand, but he shook me off.

I had no choice but to follow. Flames spread mercilessly. The old house’s staircase was entirely wooden and now burned fiercely.

Several steps were already ready to collapse.

No one could go up or down.

But Dad ignored everything and insisted on climbing.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a streak of white at a windowsill. I yelled, “The windowsill! The windowsill! Over at the windowsill!”

Dad finally changed direction and ran with me to the front of the house. It was Zhou Punan’s room.

Zhou Ya and Zhou Punan were trying to open the window and jump. It was the second floor. There was a good chance they’d survive the fall. The stairs were impassable, and the house was so old that no one knew whether it would collapse.

Dad stared desperately at Zhou Ya. I was anxious, too.

Looking at the two people in the fire, though they usually disgusted me, I’d never wished either of them dead.

I wanted them to live.

The old windows had locks. Because no one lived here most of the year, they were rarely opened.

Zhou Punan smashed his elbow against the wooden window with all his strength. As it began to give, the flames surged higher.

He lifted his leg and kicked. At last, the window broke, and pieces of wood fell from the second floor.

Joy rose in my heart. But the next second, the attic floor collapsed in flames.

Before I could say anything, Zhou Ya shoved Zhou Punan out and was struck down into the fire.

Like the wooden fragments, Zhou Punan fell from the second floor.

I couldn’t see Zhou Ya’s face. Her white figure gradually vanished into the red light.

Zhou Punan landed and broke an arm and a leg, yet struggled to run toward the flames.

Someone nearby had called the fire department. Ambulances and fire engines arrived together.

Zhou Punan lost consciousness in the ambulance. I turned and saw tears streaming down Dad’s face.

Before life and death, love and hatred suddenly seemed hardly worth mentioning.

Zhou Ya was dead. I didn’t know whom to hate anymore.

Dad seemed to age ten years at once. Life was truly strange. Only the day before, I’d been consumed by hatred, swearing to make them lose everything.

I hadn’t expected it to come true in another way.

The moment Dad rushed through the fire to me, I forgot what I’d said the previous day.

I really was the person he loved most. In the fire, he’d even forgotten Zhou Ya, who’d been lying beside him.

He forgot his white moonlight and instinctively came to pound on my door.

I shouldn’t have doubted his fatherly love. A parent’s love was the hardest thing in the world to erase.

After waking, Zhou Punan said nothing, only stared blankly at the ceiling.

I saw tears slide from the corners of his eyes.

Zhou Punan stayed in the hospital. Dad buried Zhou Ya.

I returned to school and sat at my desk all day.

It seemed I’d suddenly lost my purpose. Zhou Ya was dead. Surely I shouldn’t feel anything.

Yet I didn’t want to speak or communicate.

I’d never faced life and death before. Even my knowledge of my own tragic life came only from a book.

It was the plot that had suddenly appeared that made me stop wanting to target Zhou Punan or become entangled with them.

I was only a character dismissed in a few hundred words. The male lead’s youth, too, was passed over with a stroke of the pen.

The book only said he was miserable. It never said why.

All I’d originally wanted was not to live for the male lead. I’d thought that as long as I controlled myself and avoided entanglement with Zhou Punan, it would be fine.

I really hadn’t made trouble for him. Yet his fifteenth year was still miserable.

Then what about my twenty-fifth?

I lost my goal and lived emptily.

A few days later, the teacher suddenly called me out. I followed him into the corridor. He said someone had requested a day’s leave for me.

I didn’t know who could still request leave on my behalf.

But I went. At the school gate stood a tall figure.

Yang Zhao. He was back.

A dozen or so steps from the gate, I suddenly couldn’t walk anymore.

I stood blankly, watching him say something to the elderly gatekeeper, then enter the school.

He came to my side.

He was only a step away from me. I looked up at him, but he was a blur.

“Whose birthday is it today…?”

He reached out, took my hand, and led me out of school, step by step.

The moment my tears fell, I saw Yang Zhao clearly. I had given up on the world, and the world had forgotten me.

Yet Yang Zhao would come and ask whose birthday it was.

When I was lost, Yang Zhao would take my hand.

He lit the candles. In the darkness, only that little light remained.

“How did you get leave for me?”

He smiled. “I said I was your older brother.”

Puzzled, I asked, “Our teacher believed you?”

He shook his head. “Your teacher’s pretty sharp. He didn’t.”

“Then how did you get me leave?”

“Because I ran into a teacher from our middle school who’d come over on business. He told your teacher I was your younger brother.”

He laughed. I remembered how, in middle school, neither of Yang Zhao’s parents came to parent-teacher meetings, so he’d had me pretend to be his older sister.

He did badly on every exam, leaving me to be lectured by his homeroom teacher every time.

Though the teacher always said, “Have your parents come. This can’t be explained properly to children.”

By the time he’d finished and I left the school, it was always dark.

What I’d been most grateful for then was that he wasn’t my homeroom teacher.

Yang Zhao pulled me from the memories. “Make a wish and blow out the candles.”

I didn’t move. “Aren’t you competing? Why did you come back for me?”

He didn’t answer. His gaze gradually grew serious.

I knew him too well. Suddenly, I was afraid he’d call me pathetic.

But he didn’t scold me. He only said, “I suddenly missed you.”

Just as my tears were about to fall, I blew out the candles. Darkness surrounded us.

I could hide my weakness. In the dark, Yang Zhao gathered me into his arms, his voice soft. “Pathetic.”

Yang Zhao’s return gave me a transfusion of life. He couldn’t stay with me forever.

I still had to walk my own road.

After my sixteenth birthday, I suddenly remembered that day a year earlier, when Dad had put his arm around me and said that was my older brother, only five days older.

No one remembered Zhou Punan’s birthday.

I went to the hospital. Only a caregiver was beside him.

He clearly wasn’t asleep. But when he saw me, he closed his eyes.

I didn’t know what to say. In the book, we were enemies holding opposing banners and fighting each other ruthlessly.

Seconds and minutes passed in silence. I remembered Sun Sihan’s words, then the book I’d read.

I told Zhou Punan, “You’ll become someone very impressive in the future.”

He said nothing, but buried his head beneath the quilt.

I said, “If the road to becoming the male lead is too hard, why not just be Zheng Punan?”

[Zhou Punan had originally been called Zheng Punan.]

Still, he said nothing. A mound rose under the quilt.

Finally, I said, “Zhou Punan, I shouldn’t have hated you. Don’t hate me, either.”

It all stemmed from the prejudice I’d held against Zhou Punan from the very beginning.

I’d thought he was the book’s fixed protagonist, and I was doomed cannon fodder. I’d thought his good grades, good looks, and step-by-step success were all fixed settings.

But I’d ignored his dependence on another household at fifteen. Ignored his late-night studying.

I’d even thought his silence was a fixed character trait, without considering that he’d simply run out of things he could say.

I’d thought only of my own suffering and never seen anyone else’s.

After Zhou Ya died, my first feeling had been confusion. I’d hated her so much. But now she was dead.

What should I do? Forgive her?

Love and hatred were small before life and death, weren’t they?

But I was a victim. Why should someone’s pitiful circumstances force me to forgive her wrongdoing?

She’d suffered terribly. But had I caused it?

Every day, I thought emptily about these questions and lost my direction in life.

Only when Yang Zhao appeared did I realize I’d been dragged into an obsession.

I saw him standing in the sunlight, smiling at me.

For that moment, I suddenly couldn’t distinguish what was real.

I’d kept separating right from wrong, stubbornly insisting that the distinction reach a conclusion.

Seeing Yang Zhao, I remembered the time before all this.

That version of me seemed very far away, indistinct.

Zheng Punan was far away, too. He was indistinct as well.

But those were the people we should truly have been. Not fixed roles, not fixed heroes and villains.

Everyone made mistakes. Everyone had difficulties.

We couldn’t forgive someone’s mistakes merely because of their difficulties. Nor should we remain trapped in a situation because of someone else’s wrongdoing.

We should all come out of it.

Zhou Punan decided to leave. Dad didn’t try hard to keep him, only gave him a lot of money.

Life’s twists and variations were inevitable.

In the plot, Zhou Punan stayed with the Meng family until twenty-five, became a formidable businessman, and finally swallowed my father’s company.

Our role was to serve as stepping stones for his rise into an invincible protagonist.

But now Zhou Punan had decided to leave. His life’s path would be different.

A life belonged to its owner. No one had the right to decide for someone else. Not even the plot.

Before Zhou Punan left, we met one last time.

His leg and arm had mostly healed, though they still needed rest.

With his uninjured hand, he held the top strap of a backpack. The window in his former room was open, and a wind chime rang clearly in the breeze.

He’d lived here for a year, leaving little behind and taking little away.

He’d arrived as a thin boy. On the day he left, he still had only a backpack.

That day, he looked at me with the same dark eyes that belonged to Zhou Punan.

He bid me farewell without a word. The parting could only be seen in his eyes.

I told him, “Goodbye. If we meet again, you’ll be Zheng Punan then.”

Zhou Punan left. Dad was somewhere at the company. I was inside the vast, empty house.

The sun was bright that day. A whole house of light kept me company.

Extra 1. Afterward

Not long after Zhou Punan left, Dad said he wanted to travel and clear his head. He left the company to his subordinates and decided to go abroad.

I was entrusted to Mom.

Before I could even say goodbye to Chen Wanwan, Lin Xiao, or Jian Chen, I boarded a plane to the city where she lived.

That was fine, though. I didn’t like face-to-face farewells.

At first, we kept in touch by phone. As our final high-school year grew busier and we each had other lives, our contact dwindled.

Now, it had stopped completely. I stared at our chat history. The last exchange had been about choosing universities after the college entrance exam.

Occasionally, I missed the heavy snow of early winter in the north. More often, I was content in my little corner of a town south of the Yangtze.

Yang Zhao said he’d be coming back soon. He’d already achieved his old dream, and his relationship with his family had eased considerably.

Recently, I’d heard they were pressing him hard to marry, so he dragged me along as a shield.

I joked, “I acted as your parent when we were little. Now that we’re grown, I have to be your girlfriend, too. Aren’t I too good to you?”

For once, he didn’t retort, only smiled. “Yes. Aren’t you too good to me…”

The last syllables curled and lingered, as though he were teasing a child.

For some reason, I blushed and reached out to hit him.

He asked whether I wanted to go back during summer vacation.

“To see whom?” I asked.

He looked at me. “The scenery.”

So we returned to that city. Yang Zhao said he’d take me to look at my high school. I rolled my eyes. “That’s my high school. If anyone’s leading, it’s me leading you.”

It looked much as it had three years earlier. The students were on vacation, leaving the school quiet and empty.

Yang Zhao and I strolled along the shaded path. Beyond the trees lay the sun-exposed sports field.

I hadn’t expected anyone to be there. I was about to leave, but the three figures looked increasingly familiar.

Chen Wanwan’s voice rang across the field. “Stop fighting—!”

I froze and took a few steps forward. It really was Chen Wanwan, Jian Chen, and Lin Xiao.

Lin Xiao’s hair was green. He was as thin as before. Angrily, he looked at Chen Wanwan. “You have to say who you really love!”

Jian Chen pulled her into his arms. “Does she even need to say it?”

Lin Xiao raised his fist, about to strike Jian Chen.

I was shocked, but instinctively went to break it up. Yang Zhao tried to hold me back. I shook him off.

Running, I shouted, “Calm down—”

Lin Xiao’s fist stopped in midair. All three turned toward me.

The hot summer air rolled in waves. Looking at them, I felt as though I were in a distorted world.

They stared blankly at me, their brows and eyes just as they’d been three years earlier.

Lin Xiao was still impulsive. Jian Chen still liked provoking him. Chen Wanwan had dyed two strands of hair again.

I didn’t know what to say. The situation had seemed urgent, and I’d acted impulsively. Now I felt at a loss.

At the center of the storm, fought over by two men, Wanwan curved her lips and eyes. “You’re back.”

The five of us sat in a milk-tea shop outside school. I couldn’t understand. “Why has your relationship become this melodramatic?”

A little embarrassed, they explained, “Actually, we were just rehearsing a script with Chen Wanwan.”

Chen Wanwan had become a short-video blogger.

I found it funny. Looking at the people before me, I wanted to laugh even more.

Everyone was still doing well.

Our friendship resumed, as though we’d never drifted apart. The stories of youth we’d created together were the little boat of friendship that would carry us for the rest of our lives.

Yang Zhao asked me to go with him to see his mother. More acting for me.

This time, my role was a girlfriend nervous about meeting her boyfriend’s parents.

Yang Zhao bought a pile of gifts, then placed them in my hands before opening the door.

His peach-blossom eyes looked at me. “Don’t be nervous.”

I was speechless. “What’s there to be nervous about? When I was little, Ayi even cuddled me to sleep.”

He smiled like a fox. “You said it.”

Then he opened the door cleanly.

My heart began pounding. Within two seconds, my palms were sweating. I actually became nervous.

Was Yang Zhao toxic or something?!

The next second, the door opened onto an empty home. I turned to see Yang Zhao grinning triumphantly.

Looking at the pile in my hands, I said, “Yang Zhao, you turtle egg. You went this far just to trick me?”

He smiled wickedly.

I ignored him for several days, however he begged.

Until one day, he texted:

“Come quick! Urgent urgent urgent!”

An address followed.

I didn’t want to go. But he knew exactly how my mind worked. The message sounded urgent, yet he wouldn’t say what was happening.

I grew restless and more and more curious.

Eventually, I went. When I arrived, a group of burly men surrounded Yang Zhao. Their leader, with a tattooed arm, looked vicious.

Seeing me, Yang Zhao’s eyes lit up. “Hey! My girlfriend’s here! My girlfriend alone can take on a hundred of you!”

The fierce-looking man turned toward me. I turned and walked away.

Pitifully, Yang Zhao called behind me, “A-Ci ah, you’re just going to abandon me like this…”

I knew he was a lunatic, yet still felt angry. “Yang Zhao, what script am I acting out with you this time?”

He froze. “You figured it out…”

I was speechless. “Who drinks tea while being threatened…?”

Besides, you’re Yang Zhao, and I’m Meng Tongci.

Even seeing my anger, he wasn’t nervous. He kept smiling. “Then I bet you don’t know what I’m going to do next?”

“I don’t have time to play.”

From somewhere, he produced a bouquet of pink roses. “Be my girlfriend.”

I looked up and fell into his eyes. I heard my own voice. “More acting?”

He smiled. “Yes. For a lifetime.”

Extra 2

On the day Zhou Punan returned to the Zheng home, Zheng Jun only looked up once. “You’re back.” Then he lowered his head and resumed writing and calculating on paper.

Zhou Punan was equally silent. He only nodded, regardless of the fact that Zheng Jun, head lowered, couldn’t see.

Only a year, and he’d already become as silent as Zheng Jun.

After eight that evening, someone knocked on Zhou Punan’s door. “Time to eat.”

When he came out, Zheng Jun stood in the cramped kitchen, serving noodles.

Neither made a sound while eating. They faced each other in silence.

After a long time, Zheng Jun suddenly spoke. “She’s gone?”

Zhou Punan paused, then nodded.

He wasn’t sure whether Zheng Jun loved Zhou Ya. Only, afterward, he often saw Zheng Jun lost in thought.

He saw Zheng Jun bring flowers to visit Zhou Ya.

Zheng Jun had always known only how to solve math problems. Now, he also bought flowers every day.

Looking at the flowers, he often forgot to do his math.

A sudden ache filled Zhou Punan’s heart. In truth, his heart often ached. No one could see it on his nearly expressionless face.

During his days with the Meng family, sometimes the fresh green buds on a tree outside the window would hurt him.

At school, sometimes a point explained by the math teacher would hurt him, too.

…

He was always hurting. He didn’t understand why Meng Tongci remained so happy, with so many friends.

Nor did he understand why Zhou Ya always ignored him.

From when he was little, she often forgot to cook for him. Once he was a little older, she sent him to a boarding kindergarten without hesitation.

When the children who went home and those who boarded split into sides and fought, the non-boarders would say the boarding children were unwanted by their parents.

His father was cold, too. He didn’t like smiling. His favorite thing after coming home was sitting at his desk doing calculations.

At first, his mother said it was his father’s dream. Later, Zheng Jun lost his job because of that dream.

Zhou Ya had to go to work. After a full day out, she’d return to find Zheng Jun still at the desk, calculating.

Then she had to cook.

Gradually, Zhou Ya came home later and later.

Zheng Punan, at school, knew nothing. Only one day, when he came home, Zhou Ya told him to pack.

He didn’t know why.

Zhou Ya said, “We’re divorced.”

At the time, Zheng Jun stood in the room, blankly.

If there were moments when Zhou Punan truly felt Zhou Ya loved him, one was when she divorced Zheng Jun and asked for nothing except custody of him.

The other was in the fire.

Without time to think, Meng Zheng went to save Meng Tongci. Zhou Ya ran through the flames toward Zhou Punan’s room.

When the burning beam finally collapsed, she pushed him away without hesitation.

Zhou Ya never cared whether he’d eaten enough, whether he was bullied, whether he was sick with a fever. She never remembered his birthday.

Yet in the end, she died to save him.

Zhou Punan couldn’t simply love her. Hatred was even harder to speak of.

He didn’t understand how good days had turned into this, step by step.

So he could only remain silent.

He always remembered Zhou Ya’s final look. Her eyes had been empty, with nothing inside.

He couldn’t understand what she’d wanted to tell him.

Only that look—he would never forget it.

Extra 3

Meng Zheng had liked that girl for a long time. Almost every boy in their class liked Zhou Ya.

Because she was pretty, even her spoiled manner seemed especially adorable.

But Zhou Ya liked only Zheng Jun.

Zheng Jun was the best student. He was good-looking, too, yet never paid attention to himself the way most boys his age did.

He wore only his blue school uniform.

Zhou Ya stayed beside him and wore only hers, too.

Everyone in class knew she liked him. She brought Zheng Jun breakfast every day and smiled that beautifully only at him.

But Zheng Jun didn’t know. He liked only studying. Only mathematics.

Everyone said an unreachable flower on a high peak was what drew people.

Later, they graduated. Zhou Ya hadn’t won that flower, and Meng Zheng hadn’t won Zhou Ya.

Many years afterward, at a class reunion, only the three of them were absent.

So everyone discussed them at the table.

They said Meng Zheng had become rich.

They said Zhou Ya and Zheng Jun had married.

They said Zheng Jun didn’t love Zhou Ya at all.

They said Meng Zheng truly loved Zhou Ya.

Twenty years passed. The young people whose dreams had once been higher than the sky were worn by life’s trivialities into worldly, calculating adults.

Zhou Ya no longer wanted to endure the exhaustion of working every day. Then she saw Meng Zheng walk into that luxury store…

Later, in the fire, she rose to find Zhou Punan. The moment she was struck down into the flames, she thought only of that handsome young man who’d always worn a blue school uniform.

She saw Zhou Punan fall from the second floor. The fire hurt so much against her body. Yet suddenly, she remembered that her son, who’d always smiled shyly, hadn’t smiled for a very long time.

(The End)