How Would You Write a Story Beginning with “What? Crying Already?”

What?

Crying already?

Useless thing! I was my master’s shadow guard, and also the servant who warmed his bed. Unable to bear hurting the woman he loved, he came to torment me instead, and wouldn’t even let me cry. I could only bite through my lip and endure in silence…

1

“Forget it. I’ll marry him.”

The man’s expression relaxed. He told the girl beside him, “Manman, stop crying. Yuliu says she’ll marry him in your place.”

He didn’t even glance at me.

Suddenly, I wanted to laugh.

This man was Shen Tongwen, my master, the reigning Prince Jing’an.

I was his shadow guard. A somewhat special one: the kind who slept with him.

The red-clad girl beside him, tears streaming down her face, was his younger sister, Shen Manman.

During the floods in Nanzhou, my parents had sold me to Prince Jing’an’s household for two bowls of rice porridge.

As I knelt in the courtyard, the young Shen Tongwen happened to walk along the long corridor and stop before me.

Lifting his chin slightly, he told the steward bowing respectfully beside him, “I want this girl.”

Shen Tongwen had only been fourteen then, the age when young noblemen first awakened to romance.

I was sallow, skinny, and filthy.

Somehow, through my tangled hair, he’d noticed my face bore a slight resemblance to his younger sister Shen Manman.

Truly sharp eyes.

Or perhaps his love had sunk into his marrow.

Shen Tongwen treated me very well, and also not very well.

The good part was that he taught me martial arts, fed and clothed me, and raised me to look increasingly like the pampered Shen Manman.

The bad part was that he used me as his most secret blade, staining my hands with countless lives. He also frequently entered my bed curtains at night and slept with me innumerable times.

Whenever I was awakened in the middle of the night by his rough advances, I knew Shen Manman had lost her temper with him again.

She wasn’t related to him by blood, but they bore the name of brother and sister.

He loved her beyond reason and couldn’t bear to speak a single harsh word to her. Instead, he was vicious toward me in bed, gripping my chin and saying contemptuously, “If you didn’t look a little like Manman, your worthless life would have ended long ago.”

I said nothing.

Then his gaze suddenly softened, and he said quietly, “Yuliu, know your place. Don’t covet what you shouldn’t. I’ll treat you well.”

I thought there was more or less something wrong with this man’s brain.

Later, my relationship with these siblings formed a strange but stable cycle.

Shen Manman lost her temper with Shen Tongwen, and he came to find and torment me.

Shen Manman couldn’t swallow her anger, so she came to mock me. I talked back, and she complained to Shen Tongwen.

He scolded and punished me, then returned to coax her. After finally calming her down, a few days would pass and they’d quarrel again.

Round and round, without end.

I fucking didn’t want to do this anymore. I wanted out of the cycle.

Just then, the emperor issued an edict betrothing Shen Manman to the current prime minister, Yan Xuanting.

Rumor said Yan Xuanting had a terrible illness and wouldn’t live to thirty. He was also ruthless and vicious, with something questionable about his sexual preferences.

So Shen Manman cried and made a scene, unwilling to marry him.

No matter. I was willing.

In any case, that was how I put on the wedding clothes in her place and entered the bridal sedan.

Shen Manman immediately stopped crying. Looking at me, her gaze was cold, with a little satisfaction.

“Yuliu.” She wiped her tears, came over, pressed a jade bracelet into my hand, and whispered, “Go obediently. This is your fate. From now on, Gege belongs to me.”

Translator’s note: Gege (哥哥) means “older brother.”

Then she raised her voice slightly and said gently, “Thank you, Yuliu… I’ll remember your great kindness forever.”

In my opinion, these two really deserved to be siblings.

Their brains came from the same line. Neither worked very well.

I put on the heavy phoenix crown, covered myself with the veil, and got into the sedan, swaying all the way to the prime minister’s residence.

Actually, I was quite happy.

It was my first time wearing red. Who would have thought it would be a wedding dress?

The clothes had been made to Shen Manman’s measurements and were a little big on me, but that didn’t matter.

Before, because she loved wearing red, Shen Tongwen wouldn’t allow me to wear it.

Combined with my identity as a shadow guard, practically the only color available to me was black.

Because His Excellency the Prime Minister was frail, the whole sequence of bowing to Heaven and Earth and toasting the guests was omitted. I was sent straight to the bridal chamber.

I sat in the room with its flickering candles. Before long, I heard the door open. Footsteps drew near and stopped before the bed, and a pale, slender hand lifted my veil.

Instinctively raising my face, I met a pair of smiling eyes.

Their owner smiled and told me, “You’re not Shen Manman.”

He truly had an exceptionally handsome face. Below softly dark brows were clear, tranquil eyes. His lips curved slightly, with little color in them.

His features were somewhat pale, yet seemed veiled in a fine misty rain from Jiangnan, making his bearing all the more refined and distinguished.

“I’m not.” I nodded openly. Swinging my crossed ankles a little, I narrowed my eyes at him. “How did you know?”

“I’ve met Shen Manman,” he said. “She’s not as pretty as you.”

That remark pleased me enormously.

I immediately lifted my face and gave him a brilliant smile. “Shen Manman heard some rumors about you and refused to marry you, so I replaced her.”

He nodded and asked very calmly, “Do you know deceiving the emperor is punishable by beheading?”

“Yes. But my martial arts are fairly strong. There may not be many people who can beat me.”

At last he laughed. His eyes curved downward when he smiled, and a little color came into his lips. He looked extremely beautiful.

While laughing, he suddenly turned aside to cough twice, then turned back and told me, “It doesn’t matter. I’ll marry you.”

Those slender, clearly jointed fingers gently opened my collar.

The fiery red bed curtains came down, and my wedding clothes were removed inch by inch.

“Um.” I spoke again. “I no longer have my chastity.”

Yan Xuanting had been nibbling my collarbone. Now he raised his head and asked with a smile, “What is chastity?”

He didn’t seem to mind at all. He only leaned leisurely beside my ear and murmured, “Powdered fragrance and damp sweat wet the jade zither’s pegs; spring stirs the softness, melting the white phoenix balm.”

Desire kindled in his calm eyes, little sparks spreading until they joined into a sea.

Yet the verse from his mouth wasn’t vulgar at all. It was only low and husky, inexplicably stirring me.

Lost in confusion and desire, I heard him ask, “What’s your name?”

I recovered a little reason. “Prince Jing’an named me Yuliu, but I don’t like it.”

He raised himself and gazed into my eyes in the warm yellow candlelight. “Then what was your original name?”

“Xuxu. My name is Xuxu,” I said. “Prince Jing’an said it was terribly lowly and didn’t suit the character of his household.”

Yan Xuanting gave a cold laugh, a touch of seemingly innate arrogance entering his voice.

“A Prince Jing’an’s household with nothing but a hollow reputation. It really does take itself seriously.”

Then he leaned down to kiss my eyes and said with a smile, “Then I’ll call you Xuxu. Xuxu. A very cute name.”

When my parents gave me that name, they’d only said a lowly name made a child easier to raise.

Shen Tongwen despised it, and Shen Manman looked down on it even more.

Yan Xuanting was the first person to call my name cute.

Rumors truly were fiercer than tigers. Not one bit could be trusted.

Someone like this, gentle and warm as fine jade—how could he be called ruthless and vicious?

As I was hazily carried upward into the clouds, I thought indistinctly: Shen Tongwen really was a useless thing.

So this kind of thing could feel this good.

2

Only after going on until deep into the night did we settle down to sleep.

My stamina was very good.

Yan Xuanting slept. I didn’t.

I was pretending to sleep, mainly because I was thinking.

Before I left, Shen Tongwen had actually given me one last assignment.

He said that once I completed it, he would give me the antidote, and from then on I would have nothing to do with Prince Jing’an’s household.

The assignment was to assassinate Yan Xuanting.

But suddenly, I couldn’t bear to do it.

Because it had really been… too pleasurable.

Yan Xuanting’s health probably truly wasn’t good. During the night, I kept hearing his low coughs and thought he’d woken, but he hadn’t.

Thinking back, his pale, slightly translucent complexion didn’t seem natural. It looked more like the pallor of illness.

At the first dim light of dawn, Yan Xuanting woke.

He’d only coughed twice before I offered a cup of warm water.

In the newly breaking light outside the window, he looked at me with a smile. “I specifically ordered the maids not to stand outside. Xuxu, did you fetch this water yourself?”

“No.” I pressed my lips together. “Last night’s tea went cold. I heated it with my internal energy.”

“Xuxu’s martial arts truly are formidable.” He praised me warmly, drank all the tea, and pulled me into his arms.

His chest was warm. His long, soft hair brushed my cheek, its ticklish touch making even my heart tremble.

But I was too embarrassed to say it directly, so I could only hint through my actions.

Yan Xuanting insisted I tell him plainly.

“Say it, Xuxu.” He placed a kiss on my lips like a reward. “Remember, from now on, whatever you want to say, simply tell me honestly. You never need to have any reservations.”

I agreed.

Then I let myself sink.

It wasn’t until full daylight that we got up and dressed.

Yan Xuanting said he would take me into the palace for an audience with the emperor.

I nodded, without telling him I’d already hidden on the beams above the imperial hall and seen the emperor several times before.

The young emperor was only seventeen that year. He’d taken the throne at thirteen. Yan Xuanting had overcome all opposition to put him there and secure his position.

Yet a ruler’s heart was suspicious. Once the little emperor’s throne was secure and power gradually came into his hands, he grew wary of Yan Xuanting.

These were all things Shen Tongwen had told me bit by bit when I worked as his shadow guard.

He said the relationship between the little emperor and Yan Xuanting was very delicate.

A struggle for power, mutual suspicion, yet neither could do without the other.

The carriage drove toward the palace. Yan Xuanting sat opposite me, looking at me with a smile.

It was warm spring, the fourth month, but he still wore a thick cloak. Beneath ink-black hair was a jade-like face, pale complexion, dark pupils, and a stretch of slender neck. His Adam’s apple protruded, and the faint blue of veins showed through.

Very fragile.

With just a little force… I could snap it.

Last month, on Shen Tongwen’s orders, I’d infiltrated a brothel and snapped someone’s neck. That person seemed to have been one of Yan Xuanting’s men.

A rare trace of guilt suddenly rose in my heart.

Just then, I heard Yan Xuanting ask, “Xuxu, what are you thinking about so deeply?”

Instinctively, I answered, “You.”

Coming to my senses after speaking, I saw him looking at me with narrowed, smiling eyes, as though all clouds and mist had cleared in an instant. “I’m right before you. Why go somewhere else to think of me?”

I pressed my lips together and said softly, “I was thinking about your illness. Shen Manman refused to marry you because she’d heard you were sickly and wouldn’t live long.”

“And what does Xuxu think?”

I looked at him seriously. “You treat me very well. I don’t want you to die.”

Those words were completely sincere.

He seemed very pleased too, his smile growing even more dazzling. But while smiling, he turned away and coughed violently several times before telling me, “Don’t worry. I won’t die too early. The rumors aren’t wrong. You’ve seen it yourself: my health… isn’t very good. It’s an aftereffect of poisoning. Although it won’t endanger my life, the rest of my days won’t be especially easy.”

“But this is good too. If I weren’t frail and sickly, how would His Majesty dare use me with peace of mind?”

The carriage soon entered the palace gates, traveled along a long passage, and stopped near the great hall.

Yan Xuanting took my hand and led me inside. At once I saw the little emperor on the dragon throne.

He came down the steps and studied my face carefully for a moment, then turned to Yan Xuanting. “Is this Prince Jing’an’s younger sister?”

Yan Xuanting’s voice was warm and mild. “This is my wife, Ye Xuxu.”

“If We remember correctly, when Prime Minister Yan previously requested a marriage decree, you asked for Prince Jing’an’s younger sister. The marriage We decreed was also with the Shen family.”

The little emperor narrowed his eyes, looking thoughtful.

But I froze where I stood.

Yan Xuanting had fancied Shen Manman and specially requested the marriage?

I felt as though I’d been deceived.

Yan Xuanting turned away and coughed violently several times, even coughing up a mouthful of bright red blood.

His symptoms suddenly became much worse than when we were alone.

As the little emperor looked anxious yet abruptly relieved, Yan Xuanting said indifferently, “The person Prince Jing’an sent was Xuxu. I recognize only her as my wife.”

“Prime Minister Yan is like an elder brother to Us, and even more like a teacher. How could We let you suffer such a grievance?”

“I understand Your Majesty has my interests at heart. But Xuxu and I are already husband and wife. I came today to ask Your Majesty to grant her dignity. Then, even when I am gone, I can rest at ease.”

I hadn’t expected Yan Xuanting to come plead on my behalf.

Amid his violent coughs, the little emperor took up his brush and wrote an edict, granting me the title of County Lady Gaoyang.

Yan Xuanting bowed slightly and thanked him for his grace.

Looking at him, the little emperor’s eyes reddened. “Prime Minister Yan is Our right-hand man. You must take better care of your health.”

As we returned home, the spring wind brought warmth. Yan Xuanting’s cool fingertips clasped my wrist as he asked quietly, “Xuxu, do you have something to ask me?”

After a brief silence, I said, “I think you’re an excellent actor.”

Not only excellent, but with great range.

One performance before the little emperor, another before me.

“Since you like Shen Manman, why marry me?”

“Who said I like Shen Manman?”

“If you don’t, why ask to marry her?”

“I asked to marry her because I knew Shen Tongwen liked her, and I have a grudge against him.”

He gazed into my eyes. His lips still held a shallow curve, but his smile had no warmth. “A grudge that cannot coexist beneath the same sky.”

3

I started thinking again.

A new line of thought suddenly opened.

If Yan Xuanting also had a grudge against Shen Tongwen, could I cooperate with him to kill Shen Tongwen and then get the antidote?

After all, when that poison flared up, it was quite painful.

And Yan Xuanting was obviously more reliable than Shen Tongwen.

At the very least, he was extraordinarily gifted in certain areas, with varied techniques, and he was gentle and patient.

He was better-looking too.

Before I’d reached a conclusion, we were already at the prime minister’s gate.

But instead of leading me inside, Yan Xuanting turned outward. “Come, Xuxu. I’ll take you to buy a few things.”

The things he wanted to buy were rouge and powder, jewelry, and fine clothes.

Things other young ladies took for granted, but which I’d never owned.

Standing in the capital’s largest clothing shop, I fell for a red dress at first sight.

Flowers I didn’t recognize were embroidered on the skirt, but they were beautiful.

Temporarily putting killing Shen Tongwen aside, I went in to try it on.

When I came out dressed, the first thing I saw was Shen Tongwen and Shen Manman stepping through the door.

Yan Xuanting’s back was toward them, so he didn’t see. He only smiled and praised me. “Xuxu, you look wonderful in red. So bright and lively.”

He seemed especially fond of praising me.

He could find something to praise in anything, without even repeating his wording.

Earlier, after rouge was brushed on me at the cosmetics shop, he’d called me lovely and enchanting.

When I tried an Eastern pearl dangling hairpin at the jewelry shop, he’d called me elegant and noble.

All the praise I’d received in my first eighteen years combined was less than what I’d heard in these two days.

Behind him, Shen Manman, also in a red dress, snorted disdainfully. “Dong Shi imitating Xi Shi.”

Translator’s note: Dong Shi imitating Xi Shi (东施效颦) describes an unsuccessful imitation of someone beautiful or accomplished; in the story, an unattractive woman copies the beauty Xi Shi’s frown.

She seemed very confident in herself.

Hearing her voice, Yan Xuanting paused, then slowly turned.

“Prince Jing’an.”

Word by word, threads of coldness crept into his voice.

He didn’t even look at Shen Manman.

But her eyes seemed glued to him. After staring for a long time, she finally pitched her voice into a soft, delicate tone. “Young master, do you know my gege?”

That unusually sweet, soft voice.

The last time I’d heard it was when she gently begged Shen Tongwen to break my legs and drive me out of his residence.

Expressionless, I said, “Of course he does. Why greet him if he didn’t?”

“Ye Yuliu!” Shen Manman frowned, looking as if she badly wanted to rebuke me harshly as she always had.

But she didn’t.

She only looked at me and bit her lip. “I was speaking to this young master, not asking you. Why are you interrupting?”

I was speechless.

When she’d entered, she’d clearly just heard Yan Xuanting praising me. How had she forgotten in the next instant?

So I could only remind her, “Because the young master you’re asking is my husband.”

Before I’d quite finished, I suddenly heard a soft laugh from Yan Xuanting beside me.

He seemed in a very good mood.

I turned my face slightly and met his eyes.

Long and moist, they shone especially brightly in the shop’s somewhat dim light.

Looking back at Shen Manman, I realized her gaze was fixed on Yan Xuanting. She didn’t even look at the dark-faced Shen Tongwen beside her.

“You… you’re Yan Xuanting?”

Shen Manman drew a deep breath, her voice trembling.

I suspected she might be regretting things.

After all, Yan Xuanting was much more handsome than Shen Tongwen.

When those beautiful eyes smiled, they made one think of snowmelt flowing down from high mountains, clear and clean.

Shen Tongwen’s eyes weren’t like that.

His heart was full of the world’s tangled desires, so his eyes were very murky.

Thinking of this, I glanced at him.

Shen Tongwen wasn’t paying attention to the love of his life either. He was only glaring at me with pitch-dark eyes, a trace of viciousness in his gaze.

Then he raised his hand slightly, showing me a sliver of white between his fingers.

It was the white jade bottle I needed once a month, containing the antidote that temporarily suppressed the poison.

Counting the days, fewer than five remained before this month’s attack.

Without a doubt, he was threatening me.

My desire to kill him immediately grew stronger.

“Yes. I am Yan Xuanting.” His eyes curved slightly, and he raised his hand to clasp mine. “This prime minister and Miss Shen were originally meant to share a marriage. In the end, perhaps we weren’t fated.”

Perhaps because he’d stood too long in the room without sunlight, his fingers were icy.

But why did his words sound so regretful?

As Shen Manman’s face abruptly paled, Yan Xuanting tossed down a silver ingot and led me toward the door by the hand.

The shopkeeper called after us, “My lord, the clothes Madam changed out of—”

“We don’t want them,” Yan Xuanting said lightly.

The clothes I’d originally worn had come from Prince Jing’an’s residence.

Pitch-black. I didn’t like them at all.

Good riddance.

As we passed the Shen siblings, I saw Shen Manman biting her lip, looking at Yan Xuanting with shimmering, pitiful eyes.

Yet he didn’t glance aside. Holding my hand just like that, he walked out.

Outside, noisy voices rushed toward us, mingling with brilliant, expansive sunlight. They brushed my cheeks and fell among the soft hairs beside my ears.

I asked Yan Xuanting quietly, “Are you very regretful that you weren’t fated to marry Shen Manman?”

“I’m thankful.” After saying this solemnly, he lifted the corners of his eyes slightly and laughed softly at me. “Could my wife be jealous?”

I was a little dazed.

How did those perfectly ordinary words gain so much winding tenderness when he said them?

“Not to that extent,” I said.

The light in his eyes dimmed slightly. “I brought you out shopping. Why mention irrelevant people? Come. There are many more shops ahead.”

This seemed to be the most prosperous street in the capital.

The calls of vendors rose and fell along both sides, mixed with clear bells and the cheers of children chasing one another, all reaching my ears in a lively bustle.

For me, it was truly a novel experience.

As though the great blank spaces missing from my life were being filled in little by little through Yan Xuanting’s hands.

At Prince Jing’an’s residence, Shen Tongwen hadn’t allowed me out during the day.

He said shadow guards must keep company with darkness. Besides, I’d done too many secret things for him and couldn’t be exposed before others.

So I hid by day and emerged at night.

Even when I didn’t emerge at night, I still had to hide by day.

When we reached a pouch shop, Yan Xuanting insisted I choose one for him.

As I held a pile of brightly colored pouches at a loss, the female shopkeeper enthusiastically approached. “Madam, why not embroider one for your husband yourself?”

I was stunned.

These hands had held swords, been stained with blood, and killed people. The only thing they had never touched was an embroidery needle.

“But I don’t know how…”

“That’s fine. We have prepared kits with the patterns already drawn. Just follow the instructions.”

With that, she put a bulging bundle into my hands.

I turned to look at Yan Xuanting.

He lowered his head, coughed twice into a fist held against his lower lip, and smiled. “Xuxu, if you don’t like it, don’t embroider.”

Looking at his pale face, I fell silent for a moment.

“It’s fine. I quite like it. Pay for it.”

4

Yan Xuanting had given me so many things. Returning a peach with a plum, it was only right to embroider him a pouch.

Even so, sitting before the candle with that needle in my hand, I couldn’t make the first stitch for the longest time.

Yan Xuanting had been reading beside the bed. Now he put down the book, came over, and propped up his chin to look at me. “Xuxu, what’s wrong?”

Honestly, I spread my hands.

“I don’t know where to start.”

He smiled and took the materials from me.

Yan Xuanting really was a remarkable person. I’d never imagined he could even embroider—and do it very well.

Without blinking, I carefully watched the outline of green bamboo gradually take shape beneath his hands.

Then he suddenly set down the needle and thread and reached to pull me over.

“It’s late. We’ll embroider tomorrow. Wife, let’s retire early.”

Remembering just in time that he was frail and sickly, I worried he might not have enough strength. So I voluntarily threw myself into his arms, filling them completely.

My chin struck his chest, and he gave a muffled grunt.

Looking up at him, I asked, “Does it hurt?”

“It hurts,” Yan Xuanting said, lowering his head. “Only a kiss from my wife will make it better.”

This method had no medical basis. It was purely bedroom flirting.

But I thought it didn’t matter if I indulged him a little, so I leaned in and kissed him rather awkwardly.

He immediately turned guest into host, picked me up, and rolled onto the bed with me.

“Yan…” I hesitated, unsure whether calling the prime minister by his full name counted as great disrespect.

Smiling, he kissed my eyes. “Why did you stop?”

I honestly voiced my question.

Yan Xuanting narrowed his eyes, suddenly bit my shoulder as if in punishment, and said in a low voice, “Then does doing this with the prime minister count as great disrespect too?”

I thought he made excellent sense and urged him, “Yan Xuanting, hurry.”

A drop of sweat rolled from his temple. Perhaps because he was stirred, his normally pale face held a sensual flush.

Yet he stopped at the most crucial moment.

“Good Xuxu. Call me husband.”

I did.

And then—

Help.

Even after Yan Xuanting fell asleep, his hand still stroked my hair intermittently.

As the sky began to brighten, I got up. Outside, I happened to meet the girl who’d come in to change the bedding the night before. Her name was Chunxue.

She looked at me with wide, round eyes. “Madam is awake? Then His Excellency…”

“The prime minister was tired last night. He needs more rest today.”

Blushing, Chunxue nodded, then asked where I was going.

I considered briefly.

“Out to buy breakfast.”

Naturally, that was an excuse.

I was going to get the antidote and see Shen Tongwen while I was at it.

After such a pointed hint yesterday, how could I not understand?

But I hadn’t expected him to ask, the moment we met, with a gloomy face, “Why haven’t you acted against Yan Xuanting?”

I thought the illness in his brain was getting worse.

If Yan Xuanting died only three days after I married him—and I’d married in Shen Manman’s place—how could the emperor not suspect Shen Tongwen?

Besides, the person I most wanted to kill now was him.

I didn’t answer. But his gaze settled on my neck, and his eyes suddenly widened. Furious, he demanded, “You actually did that with Yan Xuanting?!”

Only then did I realize he’d been looking at the kiss marks Yan Xuanting had left on my neck.

“Very good, Ye Yuliu.” He sneered through clenched teeth. “Could you be refusing to act because Yan Xuanting served you so comfortably that you can’t bear to?”

“Yes,” I said.

He seemed not to have expected such honesty and looked deeply pained. “Yuliu, haven’t I treated you well enough?”

After a pause, he suddenly grew furious again. “I knew it. You didn’t refuse me back then either. Ye Yuliu, you wanton woman!”

I endured for a while, but finally couldn’t hold back. “When you have time, find a physician to examine your brain.”

Back then, he’d climbed into my bed while the poison was attacking and said he’d only give me the antidote after sleeping with me once.

After tasting the sweetness, he used the antidote to threaten me every time.

In the study, in bed—everywhere.

He left me bloody all over, then asked whether it felt good.

Good, my fucking ass.

Now I seriously suspected he called me wanton only to excuse his own inadequacy.

Compared with Yan Xuanting, he was simply worthless in bed.

“I’ll find a chance to assassinate Yan Xuanting. But first, give me this month’s antidote,” I said. “Otherwise, if the poison becomes too painful, I may well expose you.”

Shen Tongwen looked at me with a chillingly cold gaze. “Yuliu, your wings have grown strong.”

But he still gave me the antidote.

Holding the white jade bottle, I turned to leave. Then he added, “Wait. Manman says she wants to see you alone.”

A moment later, Shen Manman and I stood in a room together.

She looked at me with scorn and contempt. “Ye Yuliu, you fickle whore! Seducing my gege wasn’t enough. You’ve even deceived Prime Minister Yan!”

“Why have you started treating Shen Tongwen as your brother again?” I looked at her in puzzlement. “The last time you came to see me alone, you said you weren’t related by blood.”

Shen Manman’s expression stiffened.

Then she raised her chin and declared proudly, “Don’t celebrate too soon. I’ll soon take back what belongs to me.”

At last, the conversation ended.

I didn’t want to stay in Prince Jing’an’s residence for another moment. Using lightness skill, I hurried toward the prime minister’s residence.

On the way, I bought two freshly baked meat pies to prove I’d indeed gone out for breakfast.

But when I returned, Yan Xuanting was no longer in bed.

Still carrying the two pies, I went to the front hall to find him.

Standing at the end of the side corridor, I happened to see him leaning in a cushioned grand master’s chair, lazily supporting his chin.

Most of his noble, handsome face was hidden in shadow. Light and darkness shifted, and where he sat was especially dark, preventing me from seeing the emotions in his eyes.

I could only hear his lazy voice, without the slightest feeling:

“Kill him.”

Then a man’s panicked, despairing plea rang out. “Your Excellency, I was wrong. Please spare me this once…”

Yan Xuanting coughed twice and sighed. “You betrayed me and hurt my people. How could I spare you?”

He turned away, no longer looking at him, and said indifferently, as though tired, “Drag him away—”

His voice suddenly stopped.

Across a half-concealing screen, our eyes met from afar. His expression instantly softened.

“Xuxu,” he said. “Come. Come to me.”

I walked over and stopped beside him. Sweeping my gaze over the space below, I found the man was already gone.

Fast work.

Covering his lips, Yan Xuanting coughed violently several times. Looking at me with a bloodlessly white face, he said very softly, “Xuxu, did that frighten you?”

I shook my head.

I’d probably killed more people than he’d eaten meals. What was there to fear?

Yan Xuanting shifted aside and pulled me down beside him.

The broad grand master’s chair had more than enough room for both of us.

“Good Xuxu, don’t be afraid. The person I dealt with was a bad man.”

His tone was gentle and soothing, as if coaxing a little girl.

The first time I killed someone, I really had been afraid.

But Shen Tongwen had only frowned at me and scolded, “Useless thing.”

Later, after killing more people, I’d grown numb and stopped being afraid.

Yan Xuanting hooked an arm around my shoulders, drew me into his embrace, and smoothed my hair over and over.

Leaning against his chest, I lifted the meat pies and offered a perfect explanation of my morning whereabouts. “I bought you breakfast. If you haven’t eaten, it’s still warm.”

Watching him take the pie without suspecting me, I finally breathed out in relief and relaxed.

The matter of cooperating with him could wait for now.

Just now, he’d dealt with the subordinate who betrayed him so ruthlessly, without mercy.

If he knew I was Shen Tongwen’s shadow guard, the one who’d killed several of his subordinates, my fate would probably be even more miserable than that man’s.

But I… couldn’t bear to leave him.

5

I counted the days. On the night the poison was due to flare, I announced to Yan Xuanting that I wasn’t feeling well and needed to sleep alone.

He froze, then looked as if he’d understood. Immediately, he ordered the kitchen to send brown-sugar, red-date, and ginger soup.

He also said, “Xuxu, if you’re uncomfortable, you’ll feel better if I hold you while we sleep.”

It took me a while to realize he thought my monthly bleeding had come.

But Shen Tongwen had poisoned me when I was thirteen. I didn’t menstruate at all.

“N-no.” After a long while, I finally managed to think of a reason. “When I don’t feel well, I prefer sleeping alone.”

Shen Tongwen’s antidote had to be taken after the poison began attacking before it could suppress it.

And during an attack, I suffered terribly and my face twisted. I was afraid of frightening Yan Xuanting.

Afraid of exposing my identity too.

That night, I curled up in bed. A bone-deep cold spread from my heart to my limbs, accompanied by sharp, stabbing pain.

Biting my lip, I swallowed the antidote from the white jade bottle.

In the haze of pain, I remembered something.

Once, Shen Tongwen had read some erotic stories somewhere and said he wanted to try new things with me.

I didn’t want to.

He’d sneered. “Yuliu, I’m your master. Your very life belongs to me, let alone your body.”

That month, he withheld the antidote.

Only when the poison attacked and the pain was at its worst did he come, pinching me until I was covered in bruises.

With a small dagger, he cut my shoulder and slowly sucked the blood from the wound.

He even asked, “Yuliu, does that feel good?”

I wanted to curse him, but the pain left me without the strength to make a sound.

Finally, just before I fainted from pain, he gripped my throat and poured in the antidote.

I bit my lips until they were bloody, curled tightly into a ball, and trembled without stopping.

In the hazy light, someone reached out with cool fingers and pried my jaws apart bit by bit, his voice urgent. “Xuxu, don’t bite…”

I bit down on that finger without mercy, my teeth sinking into flesh.

But the person wasn’t angry. With his other hand, he only stroked my hair gently.

Perhaps I imagined it, but his hand seemed to be trembling slightly.

I rolled over and fell into a warm embrace.

The next morning, I woke in Yan Xuanting’s arms.

He looked at me gently and asked, “Do you still feel unwell?”

I shook my head, got out of bed, and dressed.

After a pause, I turned back and offered an explanation. “It hurts this much whenever my monthly bleeding comes.”

Trying to conceal something only made it more obvious. It had a distinct air of “No three hundred taels of silver buried here.”

Before I’d finished, a voice suddenly came from the doorway. “Menstrual pain? Perfect timing. I’ve brought back some medicine for that. Saozi, would you like to try?”

A very lively, sweet voice.

I turned around.

A girl in a pale yellow dress with a brilliant smile rushed over, took my hands, and examined my face. After a moment, she said, “Beautiful. Gege, you’re really blessed.”

Translator’s note: Saozi (嫂子) means one’s elder brother’s wife, “sister-in-law.”

She had only just finished when someone grabbed her collar and pulled her away. “Yan Jiuyue, stay away from my wife.”

At some point, Yan Xuanting had gotten out of bed. He wore only a thin garment, his face still white as paper.

I hurried to fetch the cloak he’d worn a few days earlier and draped it over him. “Yan Xuanting, be careful not to catch cold.”

As he lifted his hand to fasten the collar, I clearly saw a ring of wounds around his index finger.

Torn and bloody, deep enough to show bone.

I froze.

Behind me, Yan Jiuyue’s voice reached my ears. “Do you have any humanity? I just got back, and you’re already showing off your love in front of me? Gege, I’m telling you, I brought back lots of medicine this time. There may be something useful for you and saozi…”

But I only stared at Yan Xuanting, unable to speak.

His gaze remained calm and gentle. Raising his hand to pat my head, he said softly, “All right. Let’s eat.”

Yan Jiuyue was Yan Xuanting’s younger sister.

She did business away from home, involved in many fields, with enterprises blooming everywhere.

This time, she’d just returned from a trading trip to the Western Regions and planned to stay home for half a year.

At first, because of Shen Manman, the very idea of a younger sister left me with a severe psychological shadow.

I asked Yan Jiuyue, “Are you and Yan Xuanting related by blood?”

She froze for an instant, then quickly recovered and patted her chest in assurance. “Absolutely full siblings. Guaranteed genuine, replacements if fake.”

I soon discovered she and Shen Manman were completely different people.

On her second day back, she brought several people home to take my measurements, saying she wanted more clothes made for me.

She also carried several boxes filled with gemstones and had me choose colors and designs for jewelry.

Before leaving that morning, Yan Xuanting instructed me gently, “Xuxu, things at court have been unsettled lately. I’ll be busy. Let Jiuyue keep you company.”

I thought about it and told him, “If there’s anything you need help with, just say so.”

He smiled, leaned over to kiss my cheek, and said softly, “All right.”

Clearly, he hadn’t taken my words seriously.

But I meant them.

I might not be able to help with other things, but I could certainly kill a couple people for him.

After the jewelers and tailors left, Yan Jiuyue said she’d sit with me for a while and followed me into the room.

As soon as she entered, she spotted the mostly embroidered pouch on the small table by the window.

“Saozi, did you embroider this? It’s so beautiful!”

I shook my head. “No. Your brother did.”

She immediately lost interest. “Oh. Looking carefully, it’s only ordinary.”

“But Gege’s handiwork really is quite good. Our parents died early. When my clothes tore as a child, he always mended them.”

Yan Jiuyue told me things about their past.

For example, they’d grown up poor, and Yan Xuanting had supported her while studying.

Later, he’d placed first in the imperial examinations, received an official post, and brought her to the capital too.

In nine years, he’d risen step by step from an insignificant Hanlin Academy official to the highest position a subject could hold.

Yan Jiuyue was talented at commerce, so he indulged her business ventures. With his reputation behind her, local thugs and scoundrels didn’t dare trouble her shops and restaurants even though she was a woman.

At the end, she chuckled. “Actually, you bought this pouch at my shop. I recognize it.”

Yan Jiuyue was truly adorable.

I felt very ashamed.

At the start, I’d actually compared her with someone like Shen Manman.

Finishing her story, she suddenly seemed to remember something. She took a small wooden box from her pouch and looked at me with bright eyes.

“Oh, saozi, didn’t you say your monthly bleeding was painful? I got this medicine from a very skilled physician. You can try it.”

After a moment’s silence, I accepted the medicine and thanked her for her kindness.

A few days later, Yan Jiuyue told me that physician had arrived in the capital. He was the reason she’d decided to stay a few extra months.

Other thoughts immediately rose in my mind.

If the physician was truly skilled, could he cure the poison Shen Tongwen had given me?

Yan Jiuyue offered to take me to see him. I didn’t refuse.

The physician’s name was Chu Mu. He was very handsome, though still somewhat inferior to Yan Xuanting.

I strongly suspected Yan Jiuyue’s interest, like the drunken old man’s, wasn’t really in the wine.

She struggled to soften her voice and spoke a few words to Chu Mu, but he remained cold and unresponsive.

So she lost interest too and waved her hand. “Forget it. I didn’t come especially to bother you today. My saozi has terrible menstrual pain, so I brought her to have her pulse examined.”

Perhaps afraid I’d be embarrassed, she went outside first to wait.

Chu Mu took my pulse, then raised his eyes and looked at me coldly.

He said, “Madam has never menstruated. How could it hurt?”

It seemed this man really was skilled.

I said, “It’s not menstrual pain. I’ve been poisoned.”

Then I took out the white jade bottle and placed it before him.

Chu Mu examined it carefully for a long time. He told me it was probably a strange drug developed during the previous emperor’s reign to increase martial strength rapidly. The price was an unusual poison that attacked every month. Its antidote was precious and hard to find, and most could only rely on short-acting medicine to ease the effects.

He said the true antidote was probably only in the poisoner’s possession.

After a long silence, I asked, “Can you make this short-acting antidote?”

“I can try.” Chu Mu paused. “But this short-acting antidote is essentially another poison. If used too often, the two poisons may conflict and cause death as well.”

“It’s fine. Make it.” I took a gold leaf Yan Xuanting had given me from my clothes and placed it on his desk, then added, “Don’t tell Yan Jiuyue about this.”

By the time we returned to the prime minister’s residence, it was dark.

The steward said Yan Xuanting was back and in his study.

Yan Jiuyue said, “Then, saozi, go call Gege from the study. I’ll wait in the main hall to have dinner with you.”

Then she skipped away.

I went to the study, but the door was ajar and Yan Xuanting wasn’t inside.

Walking to the desk, I saw a letter lying there. The handwriting looked familiar.

I picked it up. It was about me.

The letter said Ye Yuliu, originally Ye Xuxu, was fickle and naturally wanton. At Prince Jing’an’s residence, she’d seduced Shen Tongwen and become his bedchamber maid. Later, she’d stolen his sister’s marriage and disguised herself as a sheltered maiden to marry Yan Xuanting.

I pondered.

Did Shen Manman think I wouldn’t recognize her handwriting?

“Xuxu, don’t read that.”

Looking up at the voice, I saw Yan Xuanting standing in the doorway.

His gaze was dark, yet there was a trace of panic in his expression.

After a moment’s silence, I waved the letter at him. “Actually, some things in here aren’t wrong. Although I didn’t seduce him, Shen Tongwen and I did—”

I didn’t finish.

Because Yan Xuanting strode across the study, stopped before me, swept most of the books, ink, and paper from the desk, and lifted me onto it. Resting his forehead against mine, he kissed my eyes little by little.

He still carried the slightly damp chill of a fourth-month evening.

My newly made rose-red gauze skirt and moon-white blouse fell to the floor, revealing a pale yellow embroidered undergarment.

I raised my face slightly and looked at him without blinking.

“Xuxu, remember.” He paused. “A woman’s chastity has never resided beneath her skirts. You’re good. You’re cleaner than anyone in that Prince Jing’an’s household.”

6

By the time Yan Xuanting and I went to dinner, we’d both changed clothes.

As soon as we entered, Yan Jiuyue looked at me resentfully. “Gege, saozi, couldn’t you talk after going back tonight? This soup has been reheated three times.”

Yan Xuanting placed a shredded-chicken roll in her bowl and said indifferently, “Eat.”

As I ate, I was still thinking about that letter.

She was quite good at making things up.

When I killed Shen Tongwen, perhaps I should make it a kill-one-get-one deal and send Shen Manman away too.

But before I could act, three days later I heard something had happened to her.

Apparently, Prince Jing’an’s younger sister Shen Manman had accidentally eaten a rare flower from the Western Regions. Her face was ruined and her voice gone. She probably wouldn’t be able to speak for several months.

It wasn’t that I was overly sensitive.

The words “rare flower from the Western Regions” were simply too conspicuous.

At dinner, I tactfully mentioned it. Yan Jiuyue immediately grew excited. “That’s right. That flower is incredibly remarkable. Even in the Western Regions, it’s precious and hard to obtain. It took me so much trouble to—”

“Jiuyue.” Yan Xuanting spoke mildly, placing sweet-and-sour ribs on her plate. “The kitchen made your favorite today. Eat more.”

Obediently lowering her head to eat, she didn’t continue.

But I already understood.

The damp wind Yan Xuanting had brought back from outside that evening.

“Xuxu, don’t only eat. Have some soup.” Yan Xuanting filled a little celadon bowl with sweet soup and placed it before me. I sipped it. The flavor was fresh and sweet.

Yet my heart felt sweeter still.

I couldn’t describe that strange feeling. It was as though my heart, silent as stagnant water for eighteen years, was gradually rippling.

Reflected in those ripples were Yan Xuanting’s eyes, filled with clear amusement.

Before sleeping that night, I told him, “Actually, I would have dealt with it myself. You didn’t need to offend Shen Tongwen for me.”

He laughed softly and pressed a kiss to my forehead.

“A mere Prince Jing’an’s household. Is it even worth speaking of offending them?”

His tone clearly looked down on Shen Tongwen.

Although I also thought Shen Tongwen was no good, when he’d trained me, he’d said his household was extraordinarily powerful and had been among the previous emperor’s most trusted confidants for thirty years.

I voiced my question.

Yan Xuanting said Shen Tongwen had lied to me.

“The old Prince Jing’an was the elder brother of the previous emperor’s favored consort. Because the emperor doted on her so much, he granted him a princely title despite his different surname. He held no real power. Later, when the current emperor ascended, he wanted to strip their title. Shen Tongwen volunteered to train shadow guards and perform the emperor’s secret tasks. Only then did they keep it.”

So that was it.

Shen Tongwen fucking loved pretending too much.

But my throat tightened with nervousness until I couldn’t speak.

When Yan Xuanting said “shadow guards,” I almost asked whether he knew something.

Then I thought that would be far too much of an unprompted confession.

I could only try to observe his expression from the corner of my eye. Finding it unchanged, with no unusual behavior, I relaxed a little.

A few days later, I heard Shen Manman had moved to the warmth of Jiangnan to restore her face.

Around then, Chu Mu delivered the short-acting antidote he’d prepared.

“Madam Yan should obtain the true antidote and eliminate the poison as soon as possible,” he said. “Fighting poison with poison is ultimately not a lasting solution.”

I said I knew.

Looking at me, he hesitated for a long time, then finally took his leave.

I called him back in time.

“My… my husband told me yesterday he intends to find a marriage for Jiuyue.”

Actually, Yan Xuanting hadn’t said that.

But Yan Jiuyue had been unhappy lately, probably because of Chu Mu.

I was determined to help her.

Coincidentally, the tug-of-war between Shen Tongwen and Shen Manman had also begun with a nonexistent marriage arrangement.

I thought the method was good and worth using.

Sure enough, Chu Mu stopped and froze. “What does Madam Yan mean?”

I worked hard to organize my words and hint tactfully. “I think you and Jiuyue suit each other. Why don’t you come propose?”

Fine. I’d never done this before. It still wasn’t very tactful.

Chu Mu froze completely. Only after a long time did he throw out, “I’m unworthy of the prime minister’s sister,” and leave without looking back.

I could only report this failed outcome to Yan Xuanting. Unexpectedly, he asked, “Why did Xuxu invite him here?”

“…To deliver medicine.”

“Medicine?”

Closing my eyes, I began lying. “Medicine for menstrual pain. I’m stocking up in advance.”

Yan Xuanting was silent for a moment. Then his lips curved, and his hand slid downward, slipped beneath my undergarment, and rested on my lower abdomen.

The warmth of his palm made my cheeks heat slightly and my heart itch.

I twisted a little, looking at him at a loss.

“Good Xuxu, I’ve heard rubbing helps with the pain. Let me try for you first, all right?”

When we got up the next morning, rain pattered outside.

Yan Xuanting helped me put on my clothes one by one, then fetched a comb to arrange my hair.

Securing my dangling hairpin, I said, “I think your health is improving.”

After going on for most of the night, he hadn’t coughed once. His stamina seemed very good too.

He paused, then smiled and reached to take my arm, saying softly, “Mm. My wife is my good medicine.”

That afternoon, while Yan Xuanting was away, several matchmakers suddenly arrived.

They said they were choosing a husband for Yan Jiuyue and brought a thick register of candidates.

I asked her, “Was this your brother’s idea?”

“No. Mine.” She bit her lip, a trace of arrogance in her eyes that made her look exactly like Yan Xuanting. “It’s not as if I can’t marry. Since he looks down on me, why should I keep pestering him?”

I agreed.

She was lively, generous, bright, and adorable. She could make money too.

Not marrying her was Chu Mu’s loss.

Determined to find her a good match, I carefully went through the register page by page.

Before I was halfway through, Yan Xuanting brought back news—he was going to Nanzhou on official business.

The rain had drizzled on for more than ten days.

It hadn’t stopped, and the accumulated water kept rising.

If the capital was like this, the south was even worse.

The embankment on the Ji River outside Nanzhou had burst again. River water poured into the city, and the people could barely survive.

Nanzhou.

That was… where I was born.

I bit my lip, my heart filled with empty helplessness.

Yan Xuanting suddenly pulled me into his arms and rested his chin on my head.

“Xuxu, I have to go and thoroughly investigate the Nanzhou embankment.” His voice was grave and solemn. “It was completed only thirty years ago, yet it’s burst nearly ten times. Every heavy rain causes trouble. There must have been shoddy work and materials during construction.”

“And the person responsible for building the Ji River embankment thirty years ago was Shen Tongwen’s father, Shen Fu—the old Prince Jing’an, before he received his title.”

I pulled back a little and gazed at him without blinking.

Yan Xuanting lowered his head and kissed the corner of my mouth.

“Xuxu, you’re from Nanzhou, aren’t you?”

I’d told him I was sold to Prince Jing’an’s residence after the floods five years earlier.

“Don’t be afraid. I’ll uphold justice for you.”

Yan Xuanting moved quickly.

He gathered evidence, raised suspicions, and, amid the little emperor’s thunderous fury, requested permission to hurry to Nanzhou.

The night before departure, I asked to go with him.

I said, “I can protect you.”

“Really.”

“I’m not joking.”

Yan Xuanting shook his head, smiling helplessly as he tucked the quilt around me. “Xuxu, I’m going on official business. People will protect me. Besides, my health has improved greatly lately. Nothing will happen.”

I wanted to struggle a little more, but he held a finger to my lips.

“Xuxu.”

Such a gentle voice, speaking my name.

Candlelight swayed before my eyes, casting intoxicating ripples of light.

“I’ve left my heart with you. You must protect yourself and protect my heart, all right?”

7

About a quarter of an hour later, I got up to pour a cup of tea.

When I turned back, Yan Xuanting had closed his eyes and fallen asleep.

Faint blue-black shadows beneath his eyes showed how exhausted he’d been lately.

Carefully, I lay on the outermost edge of the bed and watched him without blinking.

Long, moist lashes, a high nose, and lips tinged with pale color.

He was so beautiful.

I forgot when I fell asleep. When I woke, I was neatly wrapped in the quilt in the middle of the bed, while Yan Xuanting stood beside it fully dressed.

Meeting my eyes, he froze slightly. “Xuxu, did I wake you?”

I shook my head.

As though remembering something, he took a pouch from the small table beside him.

The green bamboo on it was still the work of his own needle, stitch by stitch.

He put the heavy pouch into my hand. Through its loosely tied opening, I saw it was packed with gold leaves.

“Xuxu, use it freely. If it’s not enough, ask Jiuyue for more.” He reached out to stroke my hair. “I’m leaving. I’ll be back soon.”

He did come back soon.

But when he left, he’d been healthy.

When he returned, he was in a terrible state.

Not long after Yan Xuanting left, disaster refugees began entering the capital one after another.

I took out the gold leaves he’d given me and set up a porridge stall.

Yan Jiuyue came to help. As she helped, Chu Mu came too.

He said the refugees were physically weak and needed some of his cold medicine, or an epidemic might break out.

That was indeed a legitimate reason.

If his eyes hadn’t kept drifting toward Yan Jiuyue as he worked, I’d have believed it.

Later, the heavy rain gradually eased, and the court resettled the refugees in succession.

The day the last refugee was taken away, it was evening.

The rain had just stopped when the steward suddenly rushed in, panicked, and said Yan Xuanting had returned.

I dropped my chopsticks and ran outside. Supported by others, Yan Xuanting looked white as paper and was coughing violently.

Just inside the residence’s main gate, he saw me and pulled at the corner of his mouth, silently forming “Xuxu.” Then his head fell to one side and he fainted.

At that moment, the world before my eyes collapsed inch by inch.

Chu Mu happened to be there. After taking his pulse, he said cold had entered Yan Xuanting’s body after he fell into the water, reawakening the poisoning aftereffects that had only just been suppressed.

Combined with a chill, his condition had become even more serious.

I heard my own cold voice. “Why did he fall into the water?”

Yan Jiuyue shook her head, then suddenly said, “Gege took people with him. They’re waiting in the side hall. Let’s summon them and ask.”

I practically flew to the side hall.

The man kneeling there told me Yan Xuanting seemed to have found crucial information and had intended to hurry back to the capital to deliver the evidence to the emperor.

But while traveling by boat, almost at the capital, someone suddenly pushed him into the water. The attacker then jumped in as well and escaped.

They’d rescued Yan Xuanting and hurried back to the capital at full speed.

I drew my dagger and pressed it to the man’s neck, drawing a line of blood.

“Useless.”

I regretted it to death. I should have gone with Yan Xuanting.

With me there, nobody could have hurt him.

But saying anything now was too late.

When Yan Xuanting woke in the middle of the night, I was leaning beside his bed.

The slightest movement from him woke me. Looking up at him, I suddenly felt my nose sting.

“Xuxu, don’t cry.” He reached out and tidied my disordered hair little by little. “I’m fine. I’m back.”

Fortunately, Chu Mu was there.

With prescription after prescription, Yan Xuanting’s health improved bit by bit. He was more effective than the imperial physicians the emperor sent.

The little emperor had decreed that Yan Xuanting should rest at home and only return to the palace for an audience after recovering.

But this matter wasn’t over.

Late at night, after Yan Xuanting took his medicine and fell asleep, I infiltrated Prince Jing’an’s residence and landed on Shen Tongwen’s roof.

After waiting more than a double-hour, I finally heard his gloomy voice inside.

“Not only did you fail to kill Yan Xuanting, you let him bring the evidence back to the capital. Now even the emperor knows. What do we do?”

“Spare me, Wangye!” A familiar voice.

Translator’s note: Wangye (王爷) is a form of address for a prince.

This man was Lei Yun, another of Shen Tongwen’s shadow guards. We’d even killed people together.

“This subordinate never expected Prime Minister Yan to be so vigilant. I followed him the entire way and only found an opportunity just before we reached the capital.”

A period of silence.

Lei Yun asked tentatively, “I hear Yuliu is by Prime Minister Yan’s side now. Why not… have her do it?”

“Ye Yuliu.” Shen Tongwen’s voice was icy.

“Yan Xuanting has served her so comfortably that she stopped listening to me long ago. After I treated her so well.”

You have the nerve to say that?

“Although my father oversaw the construction of that embankment, this prince has done so much for His Majesty. He still needs me to counterbalance the court. Presumably, he won’t act so quickly.”

“Prepare the horses. Tomorrow morning, we’ll leave the capital directly and visit Manman in Jiangnan.”

Lei Yun took the order and left.

I lay motionless on the roof.

Prepare the horses?

A perfect opportunity delivered to my door.

At the first dim light, I slipped into the residence’s stable and tampered a little with the horse Shen Tongwen usually rode.

Nothing much. Just a long silver needle held beneath the saddle by a small mechanism.

Once he rode for a while, the movement would dislodge the mechanism. The needle would spring out and stab deep into the horse’s back.

After doing all this, I returned to the prime minister’s residence.

Yan Xuanting was already awake. Holding my hand, he asked, “Xuxu, why are your hands so cold?”

I opened my mouth and invented the most far-fetched excuse possible. “…I got a little hot sleeping, so I went outside for some cool air.”

Yan Xuanting actually believed it.

I even wondered whether, if I said I’d jumped into the lake for a swim, he’d believe that too.

He’d mostly recovered, but the chill hadn’t cleared, and he still coughed a little.

Even when I tried to kiss him, he pushed me away. “Xuxu, be careful. I might pass the illness to you.”

I lifted my skirt to show him the muscle definition on my abdomen, trying to prove myself. “I’m very healthy.”

Instead, Yan Xuanting’s eyes darkened little by little.

He coughed twice into a hand at his lower lip, then turned his head with some difficulty. “Xuxu, don’t do that. I really… miss you terribly.”

I offered a timely suggestion. “Next time you travel on official business, take me. Then you won’t miss me.”

More importantly, he wouldn’t get hurt again.

Even at the cost of my life, I wouldn’t allow this to happen another time.

Yan Xuanting paused and turned to look at me.

His eyes were like a tranquil lake beneath moonlight.

“Xuxu,” he said, “marrying you is the luckiest thing that’s happened in my life.”

I said, “You nearly married Shen Manman.”

His upturned lips drooped, and he helplessly rubbed his forehead. “My wife is truly straightforward and adorable.”

Belatedly, I realized he’d been speaking a line of love.

Actually, he probably wanted to say I didn’t understand romance.

Sigh.

At dinner, Yan Xuanting and I entered and discovered Chu Mu was there too.

And sitting right beside Yan Jiuyue.

Yan Xuanting gave him a thoughtful glance.

We’d barely taken a couple bites when Yan Jiuyue suddenly said, “Today I went to the shop to check on business. On the way back, I heard Prince Jing’an’s horse got frightened and threw him. He broke a leg.”

“Is that so?” Yan Xuanting answered mildly and placed a shrimp dumpling in my bowl. “Xuxu, don’t just smile.”

Yan Jiuyue exclaimed and pointed her chopsticks at me. “Saozi, you look so happy!”

“Do I?” I touched my face and restored a serious expression. “Not at all. I’m actually grieving over Prince Jing’an’s misfortune.”

8

After dinner, Yan Xuanting said he needed to handle some state affairs and asked Yan Jiuyue to keep me company.

I guessed he probably intended to organize the evidence from Nanzhou.

So I said, “It’s fine. I’ll admire the moon in the courtyard.”

Leaving space for Chu Mu and Yan Jiuyue.

Now that summer had arrived, the evenings weren’t too cold.

Unexpectedly, I’d sat beneath the corridor for only half a double-hour before Yan Jiuyue stormed out.

Tears faintly glimmered in her eyes. She said she wanted to drink with me.

I asked, “Where’s Chu Mu?”

“Dead.” After saying it coldly, she paused, then her voice regained a little warmth. “Sorry, saozi. I’m not angry at you…”

“It’s fine.”

I went back to her room with her. She brought out a jar of wine and poured it directly into bowls.

Only after gulping down two bowls in succession did she tell me Chu Mu had said he already had a fiancée.

I slapped the table and stood up unsteadily. “He deceived your feelings?”

“No—”

“I’ll kill him.”

Turning, I collided straight into a warm chest and gave a muffled grunt.

A hand came over to rub my forehead. “Xuxu, did that hurt?”

It was Yan Xuanting.

I looked up at him. “Have you finished your state affairs?”

“Mm.” He put an arm around my waist and frowned slightly at Yan Jiuyue behind me. “You’ve been drinking?”

“A little. Not much, not much.” I turned toward her. “Where’s Chu Mu? I’m going to kill him.”

“Xuxu, you’re drunk.”

Yan Jiuyue edged over, her voice full of apology. “Sorry, Gege. I didn’t know saozi’s alcohol tolerance…”

I shook my head and turned to look at her seriously. “I’m not drunk. My martial arts are strong. I can’t get drunk.”

Even after Yan Xuanting dragged me back to our room,

I kept telling him, “I’m not drunk.”

As he soothed me, “Mm, not drunk,” he removed my shoes and socks, untied my skirt, took the ornaments from my hair, and tucked me properly into the quilt.

He turned to leave, but I hooked his belt and pulled him back onto the bed.

Then I began stripping off his clothes.

Yan Xuanting coughed several times and avoided my kiss. “No, Xuxu. My cold hasn’t cleared. I’ll pass it to you.”

I ignored him. “But I feel uncomfortable…”

Candle shadows swayed. He looked at me in that intimate, dim yellow light.

In the end, he sighed and lowered the bed curtains.

“Xuxu, tell me if you feel uncomfortable, all right?”

That rippling pleasure, like mist upon the waves, was broken apart inch by inch by his alternating gentle and firm movements and embedded into my flesh and bones.

When I woke the next morning, I found my gauze skirt tangled with Yan Xuanting’s clothes, strewn all over the floor.

Too outrageous.

Yet Yan Xuanting could even praise that.

He said, “My wife is passionate as fire when drunk. Truly adorable.”

I put down my chopsticks and asked seriously, “If I beat you up, would you think that was adorable too?”

He remained perfectly composed. “Naturally. My wife’s martial arts are formidable. Unlike an ordinary delicate sheltered young lady. Truly adorable.”

Fine.

I lost.

After breakfast, he went to court, while I returned to the room intending to sleep again.

Last night had been too outrageous. Combined with the wine, I had a slight headache.

But the moment I entered, I became alert.

Someone had been in the room.

Looking around, I fixed my gaze on the small table by the window.

A censer slowly released white smoke.

The smell of a knockout drug.

I emptied the incense ashes out the window. Turning back, I discovered a piece of paper where the censer had been.

Unfolding it, I found only two words:

Return home.

Naturally, Yan Xuanting couldn’t have written it.

What was wrong with Shen Tongwen now?

After thinking for a moment, I realized that, as a normal person, I truly couldn’t imitate his train of thought, and gave up.

I crumpled the paper and tossed it into the censer, burning it clean away.

No longer interested in catching up on sleep, I picked up the book Yan Xuanting had been reading these past few days, wanting to see what exactly it was.

Jiang-dasao from the kitchen had told me that, for a wife to remain harmonious with her husband over the years, she had to keep pace with him.

Translator’s note: Dasao (大嫂) means “eldest sister-in-law” and is also a familiar address for an older married woman.

Although I could read, I hadn’t read many books.

It was time to learn something new.

I picked up the book whose cover read Military Tactics and Battle Formations.

After turning two pages, I blushed and silently put it down.

Suddenly, I understood why Yan Xuanting could make me feel so good despite never having had a wife.

He’d actually… made such detailed annotations. Truly a model of intellectual curiosity and diligent study.

That afternoon, Chu Mu came to the residence again, looking haggard, and said he wanted to see Jiuyue.

At once I remembered what she’d said the night before and drew the dagger at my waist.

A cold gleam flashed, and the blade was already at his neck.

“Since you already have a fiancée, why deceive Jiuyue’s feelings?”

As I questioned him, I considered where best to cut.

Chu Mu didn’t panic at all. He only looked at me steadily. “Let me see Jiuyue once, Madam Yan. Even if you kill me afterward, I will have no complaint.”

I said, “But if I kill you now, you won’t have time to complain either.”

After a moment’s silence, he said, “Madam Yan is straightforward.”

“However, my fiancée died five years ago. Does Madam know that the person standing between Jiuyue and me isn’t her, but someone else?”

His tone sounded very sincere. After hesitating, I put away my dagger and went to call Yan Jiuyue.

At first she refused to come out, until I asked, “Who’s the other person?”

She froze completely. In the end, she went to see Chu Mu.

They shut themselves in the side hall and talked for two double-hours. When they emerged, their expressions were much more relaxed.

I signaled to Chu Mu that I had something to ask him privately.

Very obligingly, he came with me to a side room and asked, “Has Madam Yan used up the antidote?”

“Not yet,” I said. “I wanted to ask whether you have books or medicine that could make my husband feel more pleasure and comfort.”

Chu Mu coughed violently twice. “Yes… Madam could ask a little more tactfully.”

Was that not tactful enough?

Chu Mu was too shy.

In the end, he gave me a bottle of medicine, saying it could be taken internally or applied externally, and a thin booklet too.

That evening, as I studied the booklet intently, Yan Xuanting suddenly entered.

Leaning over, he asked with a smile, “What is Xuxu reading?”

With no time to hide it, I could only show him the vivid, lifelike illustrations.

Yan Xuanting froze. “Xuxu, you…”

I looked at him seriously. “You’ve made me feel good for so long. I want to make you feel good too.”

The moment I finished, I was pulled into his warm embrace.

Fine, close kisses fell one after another, from my hair to behind my ear, before he took my earlobe between his lips.

“Xuxu, you don’t have to do anything. As long as it’s you, I already feel good enough.”

After some words of love, his expression suddenly became solemn, and he spoke of the Ji River embankment.

There really was something wrong with it.

It should have been built entirely of brick and stone. But his investigation found that only a small, visible section used good-quality masonry.

The rest was actually yellow mud mixed with straw.

So whenever heavy rain raised the river, part of the embankment would be washed away.

I opened my mouth and found I couldn’t say anything.

Only after a long while did I force out, “How did he dare?”

Yan Xuanting’s hand rested on my shoulder. Hearing this, he held me tighter. “It wasn’t that no one suspected before. But none of those who went to investigate ever left Nanzhou… This time, I brought back the evidence. Much of it wasn’t collected by me. The loyal bones of those who gathered it are already buried beneath the embankment.”

I asked, “Will you give the evidence to the emperor?”

This time, Yan Xuanting fell silent.

After a long while, he finally said, word by word and with difficulty, “His Majesty… may not be unaware.”

I suddenly remembered what I’d heard Shen Tongwen say while lying on the roof that night.

He’d said the emperor might not act, because he needed to counterbalance the court.

Seeing Yan Xuanting’s rarely dejected expression, I patted his hand reassuringly.

“It doesn’t matter. If the emperor won’t act, I can.”

9

Yan Xuanting probably thought I was joking again.

But I’d already begun planning Shen Tongwen’s death.

After breaking his leg in the fall, he’d surely guard his surroundings closely. It would be best for me to act directly.

He had more than one or two shadow guards around him. I could avoid them while eavesdropping, but to strike, I’d need to send them all away at once.

Thinking of this, I couldn’t help feeling regret.

If only I’d placed a few more silver needles and made the horse struggle harder. I could simply have let him fall to his death.

I was still silently planning when, unexpectedly, Shen Tongwen acted first.

That day, Yan Jiuyue took me shopping. She said a new batch of fabric had arrived at the cloth shop, and she’d just gotten inside information, so we could choose first.

Halfway there, we heard many people whispering. Yan Xuanting’s name was on all their lips.

They said Prime Minister Yan’s new wife had once been a maid Prince Jing’an slept with and discarded. Yan Xuanting had picked up Shen Tongwen’s unwanted… worn-out shoe.

Yan Jiuyue abruptly stopped, turned, and rebuked them sharply. “Nonsense!”

I walked over and asked, “Where did this news come from?”

They looked at one another, pushing and shoving. After a long time, someone said vaguely, “Something so private… who could know except the people involved?”

Shen Tongwen.

Yan Jiuyue looked frightened. She took my hand, her voice tinged with tears. “Saozi, let’s not look at fabric. Let’s go home…”

As soon as I returned, I saw Yan Xuanting standing in the center of the courtyard.

Behind him, the wind swept drifting clouds through gaps in the sunlight.

Standing there, he was even more dazzling than the light.

The light surged toward me. Before he could embrace me, I stepped back and looked up at him.

“Shen Tongwen drugged and forced me.”

“I know.”

“Yan Xuanting, divorce me.” Then I quickly added, “I remember everything you’ve said. It’s not that I don’t believe you. I’m only afraid of disgracing the prime minister’s household—”

Before I finished, he stepped forward abruptly and held me tightly.

So tightly it even hurt a little.

He hadn’t fully recovered. His body was still weak and his face pale.

Actually, with just a little internal energy, I could have pushed him away.

Yet I didn’t want to.

I craved Yan Xuanting’s protection, indulgence, and salvation. He gave me warmth I’d never known in my life.

And Shen Tongwen wanted to destroy it.

When I was little and we had no food, Mother took me across mountains and rivers to borrow grain. But on our return, Father slapped her to the ground, demanding why she’d gone to her childhood sweetheart to borrow food and disgraced his reputation as a grown man.

Shen Tongwen had said too that a man’s reputation and face mattered more than his life.

So although he loved Shen Manman that much, he wouldn’t risk criticism by marrying her. Instead, he tormented me.

Never had I wanted to kill him so fiercely.

Thinking of the words on that note and connecting everything, I understood.

Shen Tongwen must have guessed I was behind his fall and broken leg.

Yet he chose to act against Yan Xuanting.

“Xuxu, what is reputation? Something others discuss, attack with words and writing—so empty you can’t grasp it.” Yan Xuanting’s voice reached my ears, gentle and firm as always.

“Only you are real in my arms at this moment. I can touch you, kiss you. Xuxu, after so much difficulty, I finally married you. Even letting go for a moment frightens me. How could I bear to divorce you?”

He didn’t care about chastity.

Didn’t care about reputation.

Only about me.

After a long silence, I slowly said, “I’ve decided to spread some news too.”

“…What?”

The next day, I found the capital’s largest teahouse.

All religions and walks of life mingled there, fish and dragons mixed together. News spread fastest in such a place.

Tossing down a few gold leaves, I took the storyteller’s place.

Striking the wooden block, I began slowly, “That maid displeased Prince Jing’an by speaking the truth, and was therefore driven from his household.”

At Yan Jiuyue’s direction, Chu Mu cooperated from below the stage and asked, “What truth?”

“Prince Jing’an is… not particularly skilled in bed. His other concubines, intimidated by his power, all flatter and deceive him. Only that maid, while sound asleep, heard his voice and casually asked, ‘Wangye, have you started?’”

“But Wangye answered, ‘It’s already over.’ And so the maid was driven from the residence.”

The audience roared with laughter.

The news spread rapidly.

In less than half a day, “Have you started?”—“It’s already over” became a private joke everyone in the capital understood.

I guessed Shen Tongwen must desperately want to kill me.

Otherwise, he wouldn’t have dragged his broken leg into a wooden wheelchair and come to the prime minister’s gates, demanding to see the new wife by name.

When Chunxue came to call me, I was sitting by the window studying how to embroider the pouch.

Stepping outside, I saw Shen Tongwen in his wheelchair, one leg broken, looking haggard. My mood suddenly became wonderful.

I even failed to suppress a laugh. “Haha.”

Furious and flustered, he gripped the chair’s armrests and forced the words through his teeth. “Ye Yuliu, how dare you!”

I asked, “Why wouldn’t I dare? You really can’t perform. Am I not allowed to say so?”

His eyes bulged as though he might faint from rage at any moment.

“Ye Yuliu, my household treated you well—during the Nanzhou floods, your parents sold you to a trafficker. If you hadn’t entered my residence and I hadn’t given you food, you’d probably have starved long ago!”

“That’s not right.” I shook my head and corrected him. “Even without your household, someone from another would have bought me. They might even have treated me better. At least they wouldn’t be like you: clearly unable, yet insisting on showing off.”

Unable, unable, at every turn.

Of course I was doing it deliberately.

Besides, the Nanzhou floods were caused by the Ji River embankment in the first place.

If we counted carefully, Prince Jing’an’s household owed me.

Occasional passersby pointed at him. “That’s the Prince Jing’an who finishes before he starts.”

Shen Tongwen had always prized face and reputation above all.

For him, such humiliation was no different from death by a thousand cuts.

Several guards stood behind him, along with serving maids, making his party look numerous and powerful.

I stood alone, with only Chunxue behind me. He didn’t take me seriously and only said ominously, “Yuliu, return to the residence with me.”

“No.” I looked at him expressionlessly. “I’m the prime minister’s wife now, not your household’s maid. You have no right to take me back.”

“If you hadn’t replaced Manman, would someone like you be worthy of marrying into this house?”

10

I hadn’t expected Shen Tongwen to mention that.

In fact, I’d only gradually figured it out over the past few days.

Shen Manman lived secluded in the inner chambers and had no way to encounter the outside world.

Everything she knew about Yan Xuanting came from Shen Tongwen.

He didn’t want her to marry, so he deliberately exaggerated negative information before telling her.

But for the sake of face, he couldn’t marry Shen Manman himself. Nor could he truly bear to give up a plaything like me.

So he ordered me to kill Yan Xuanting.

Most people I’d killed before had, like me, done things that couldn’t see the light.

Yan Xuanting was different.

He was the reigning prime minister, a pillar of the state. If I really killed him, I’d have nowhere to turn.

Then, to survive, I’d have no choice but to return to Shen Tongwen.

He’d truly calculated everything beautifully.

Just as I was about to speak, I suddenly saw Yan Xuanting behind him.

“Whether this prime minister’s wife is worthy of marrying here isn’t for Prince Jing’an to decide, is it?”

In the midsummer heat, he wore a light white robe, his black hair tied up, his expression cold.

Yan Xuanting walked to my side and stood shoulder to shoulder with me.

Looking at us, Shen Tongwen tugged at the corner of his mouth in a chilling smile.

He told Yan Xuanting, “Prime Minister Yan has taken over a woman this prince tired of playing with, yet still dotes on her so. Such broad-mindedness is truly admirable.”

Instinctively, I turned toward Yan Xuanting and caught the flash of killing intent in his eyes.

“Prince Jing’an needn’t compensate for his own inadequacy by attacking a woman,” he said mildly, reaching for my hand and interlacing our fingers.

His fingertips were cold, but my palm was warm.

“Since Prince Jing’an is idling at home these days, perhaps you don’t know that the joke about starting and finishing has reached the palace. Even His Majesty and the consorts have heard it.”

Yan Xuanting sneered. “I just went into the palace and requested an edict for you. It should arrive any moment.”

As though answering his words,

a carriage sped up and stopped nearby.

A eunuch in a dark red robe alighted. Glancing at Yan Xuanting, he turned to Shen Tongwen. “Prince Jing’an, receive the edict—”

Yan Xuanting smiled faintly. “Cui-gonggong, please don’t make things difficult for Prince Jing’an. His leg is broken, after all. He can’t kneel.”

Translator’s note: Gonggong (公公) is a respectful address for a eunuch.

Discovering that Yan Xuanting’s tongue could also be vicious, I widened my eyes and gave him a surprised glance.

Smiling, he reached out and patted the top of my head soothingly.

Cui-gonggong began reading. “Prince Jing’an has shown disregard for his sovereign, acted insolently and without propriety, and offended County Lady Gaoyang, committing a grave offense of disrespect. From this day, his rank is reduced to Marquis Jing’an. He is to reflect behind closed doors at his residence for thirty days and may not leave without Our command.”

Shen Tongwen’s face instantly turned deathly pale.

Yan Xuanting brushed his robe and said mildly, “Prince Jing’an—pardon me, Marquis Jing’an. What are you staring at? Receive the edict.”

Suddenly, I understood why Yan Xuanting had taken me into the palace to request an edict on the second day of our marriage.

It wasn’t only to openly establish my existence before the little emperor.

It was also to give me a status ordinary people wouldn’t dare offend lightly.

His lips trembling, Shen Tongwen pointed at me in disbelief. “Impossible… How could she be a county lady?”

Expressionless, Cui-gonggong said, “Marquis Jing’an, mind your words. Do not disrespect the county lady.”

When Shen Tongwen left, guards pushed his wheelchair away.

Before going, he turned and glared viciously at me, lowering his voice and saying each word distinctly, “So what if you’re a county lady? Heaven will take you one day.”

The air around Yan Xuanting abruptly chilled. “Marquis Jing’an curses County Lady Gaoyang like this. Are you showing contempt for His Majesty?”

But Shen Tongwen only sneered and gave no further answer.

I knew perfectly well that he wasn’t cursing me. He was stating a fact.

I’d never obtained the true antidote. I could only use Chu Mu’s short-acting medicine, relying on one poison to counteract another, to suppress attack after attack.

And these past few days, I could clearly feel the poison becoming deeply entrenched in my body, worsening beyond recovery.

Actually, I’d known long ago I would die.

If not in the floods, then during some assignment, or under Shen Tongwen’s torment in bed.

This time married to Yan Xuanting had been so happy that, to me, it almost felt stolen.

Then sooner or later, I would have to return it.

I just hadn’t expected the day to come so quickly.

That night, when the poison attacked, I pressed Yan Xuanting’s sleep acupoint, then desperately bit my wrist and swallowed bottle after bottle of short-acting antidote.

Less than half a month had passed since the previous attack, but this one was especially violent.

I knew clearly that little time remained, so I began thinking about what else I could do.

I remembered that, not long after our marriage, Yan Xuanting had told me he shared an irreconcilable blood feud with Shen Tongwen.

Later, Shen Tongwen had also been responsible for him being pushed into the water.

Why not kill Shen Tongwen for him?

Having worked through that point, I began carefully planning the assassination.

Meanwhile, each night I clung to Yan Xuanting more fiercely.

He was good-tempered and indulged me in everything. But drenched in sweat, he whispered beside my ear, “My wife is passionate as fire. Sometimes even I can’t keep up.”

I raised my eyes and looked at him without blinking. “But you’re very capable. Yan Xuanting, you’re the one who taught me this could be so joyful.”

In an instant, his gaze filled with countless complicated emotions I couldn’t understand.

In the end, he only leaned down and said hoarsely, “Xuxu, we still have such a long life ahead of us. I’ll keep you company and let you be happy slowly.”

That future he described was so enticing.

I wanted to see it too.

But the final attack came even sooner than I’d expected.

That day, I was strolling in the garden with Yan Jiuyue.

Yan Xuanting had ordered several osmanthus trees planted. Pale yellow blossoms crowded their branches in layers, filling the air with fragrance.

Sitting beneath one of those trees, I lifted my face and told Yan Jiuyue, “I’m in a little pain. Ask Yan Xuanting to come see me.”

Actually, Yan Xuanting came very quickly. But the poison moved faster.

He lifted me into his arms, his hands trembling violently.

“Xuxu.”

Warm liquid dripped onto my face.

I forced my eyes open and looked at him through the blinding light. “All right, I actually lied to Jiuyue. It’s not a little pain. It hurts terribly.”

His arms tightened around me, and he walked even faster.

Crossing the long corridor, he carefully laid me on the bed and turned to Yan Jiuyue, saying through gritted teeth, “Go get Chu Mu.”

“It’s no use. I found Chu Mu long ago. He said he couldn’t cure this poison. I just took the short-acting medicine too. It doesn’t work this time.”

I was in agony, but still had to say what needed saying. “Yan Xuanting, listen. I’ve already laid the plan. In seven days, all the shadow guards around Shen Tongwen will be sent away. That’s the best time to kill him. If you have someone capable, send them straight in to act. The chance of success is at least eighty percent.”

“Xuxu…”

“Also, I’m not actually Shen Tongwen’s maid. I’m his shadow guard. Those subordinates of yours who died mysteriously before—I killed all of them.”

I hadn’t wanted to tell Yan Xuanting this. After all, I was about to die and still wanted to leave him a good impression.

But he treated me so well. I couldn’t bear to keep him in the dark.

By the end, pain blurred my vision and all my organs seemed to curl into a ball. “Yan Xuanting, I’m very grateful to you. And I… like you very much.”

Cool kisses landed on my forehead, the corners of my eyes, and my lips.

Yan Xuanting’s voice seemed to come from far away, indistinct.

“Xuxu, I know. I’ve known who you are for a long time.”

His voice grew more and more distant.

“Don’t be afraid, Xuxu. I’ll go get your antidote now.”

11

Only after Ye Xuxu fainted did Chu Mu arrive.

He administered acupuncture and two strong doses of medicine, barely keeping her alive.

Yan Xuanting stood beside the bed and looked down at the young woman lying there.

Fragile and pale, with her eyes closed, she was as quiet as on so many past nights when she’d slept beside him.

He closed his eyes briefly, suppressing the churning pain in his heart and hatred for Shen Tongwen. Then he told Yan Jiuyue, “Take good care of Xuxu. I’m going into the palace now to ask His Majesty… for the antidote.”

Yan Jiuyue was already frightened out of her wits. Beside her, Chu Mu held her icy hands tightly.

Yan Xuanting had never told her Xuxu’s true identity. He’d only said the wife he’d married was the woman he loved, and asked her to treat her well.

Yan Jiuyue was an obedient younger sister. At the time, she’d patted her chest and guaranteed, “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure everything is perfectly arranged.”

Now she was the same. Even while still terrified, she said, “Gege, don’t worry. I’ll take good care of saozi. I won’t let anything happen to her.”

Yan Xuanting nodded and hurried into the carriage.

The sky was about to darken.

He thought about certain things.

The first time Yan Xuanting saw Xuxu, she was killing someone.

He sat high in a pavilion. Outside, the moonlight was cold and deathly pale. A young woman in black lay motionless among the branches and leaves.

For two full double-hours.

At last, she found an opening, flew down, and drew a sharp dagger across a man’s neck.

A line of blood sprayed out, some splashing onto her face.

But she was already back in the tree. She stared blankly at the moon for a while, then stepped onto the courtyard wall and lightly flew away.

He’d long heard that Prince Jing’an’s household kept a group of shadow guards to perform the imperial family’s secret tasks.

By then, the little emperor had begun to think of putting away the bow once the birds were gone, but feared the prince’s household might rebel. He could only proceed gradually.

His most trusted minister on the surface was Yan Xuanting, to whom he’d given great power.

Jealous, Shen Tongwen poisoned Yan Xuanting.

The poison wouldn’t kill him, but could leave him bedridden for the rest of his life.

Yan Xuanting discovered it in time and hadn’t swallowed the full dose.

Although poisoned, it wasn’t serious. Instead, misfortune became a blessing: the little emperor felt even safer employing him.

Yan Xuanting deliberately released false information, making Shen Tongwen mistake a corrupt official for one of his allies.

Sure enough, Shen Tongwen sent a shadow guard to kill the man.

Yan Xuanting simply hadn’t expected the one sent to be a woman.

Afterward, he repeated the method, successively leading Shen Tongwen to mistake several people he’d already wanted dead for his trusted aides.

And each time, the shadow guard Shen Tongwen sent was that same young woman.

At first, Yan Xuanting was merely curious.

Shadow guards ought to be cold and cruel.

Yet her eyes were full of bewilderment and indifference. Even when blood splashed into them, she only frowned lightly.

As though nothing in the world could affect her emotions.

Until that night when she came to a brothel to kill someone.

Her target was Jiang Chengwei, prefect of Yuezhou, guilty of every imaginable evil.

As Jiang Chengwei held a girl and abused her, Xuxu lay outside the window.

After seeing him bite the girl’s shoulder until it bled, she suddenly reached to touch her own shoulder.

Her sleeve slipped down, exposing an arm covered in blue-purple bruises.

Watching from a window on the opposite side, Yan Xuanting abruptly stood.

At the time, he had no way to know where the sudden sharp pain in his heart came from.

Only as she snapped Jiang Chengwei’s neck did he suddenly think:

That hand.

He didn’t want to see it only gripping swords and stained with blood.

He also wanted to see it holding a brush, writing characters, playing a zither, and working with ink.

He sent a subordinate to investigate. The man soon returned and reported that the young woman was indeed a shadow guard of Prince Jing’an’s household.

Because she resembled Shen Tongwen’s younger sister, Shen Manman, he used her to kill people while also tormenting her in bed.

Shen Tongwen actually harbored such shameful feelings for his own sister.

Yan Xuanting deliberately spread various rumors before asking the emperor to let him marry Shen Manman.

He knew Shen Tongwen couldn’t bear to marry her to him.

Even if Shen Tongwen could, Yan Xuanting had other plans to ensure the person who married him would definitely be Xuxu.

From the beginning, the only person he wanted to marry was her.

He wanted to make her happy, to teach her that intimacy wasn’t only pain, to show her that so-called chastity wasn’t important—to let her know what love truly was.

But he’d underestimated Shen Tongwen’s cruelty.

On the night Xuxu’s poison attacked, he held her and couldn’t stop trembling.

Intense pain came from his finger.

Yet he knew Xuxu in his arms hurt a hundred times more.

From that day on, he’d begun arranging his plan.

He needed to eliminate Shen Tongwen and obtain the antidote for Xuxu.

Originally, in another ten days, all the pieces he’d placed would take effect.

He hadn’t expected Xuxu’s poison to attack so quickly.

Yan Xuanting thought he could only use another method.

The carriage stopped at the palace gates.

Before getting out, he took a pill.

It made him cough violently. His complexion rapidly paled until even his lips had no color.

In that condition, he entered the imperial hall, knelt before the little emperor, and presented a thick stack of evidence.

Seventy percent true, thirty percent false.

The two most crucial pieces concerned the Ji River embankment and Shen Tongwen’s intent to rebel.

Whether Shen Tongwen actually intended rebellion was no longer important.

“Marquis Jing’an has lurked within the court for years, yet is not wholly loyal to Your Majesty. He forms factions, attacks rivals, and covers the sky with one hand. The people have long been filled with resentment.”

Yan Xuanting knelt upright, his gaze open.

“For the sake of the realm, I beg Your Majesty to purge the remaining evil and eliminate future dangers.”

On the dragon throne, the little emperor remained silent for a long time before slowly speaking.

“We know Prime Minister Yan’s loyalty. But although Marquis Jing’an has his faults, he has devoted himself to Our service for years. We… ultimately cannot bear it.”

Yan Xuanting understood the hint.

The little emperor had grown into a qualified ruler. He knew to put away the bow once the birds were gone, but also worried that the fox would grieve when the rabbit died.

Yan Xuanting kowtowed heavily. “I am willing to serve Your Majesty.”

At last, the little emperor breathed out in relief, rose from the dragon throne, and came to help him up.

Yan Xuanting didn’t rise. Instead, looking up, he continued, “But I must ask Your Majesty for an edict to save someone.”

The little emperor paused and looked down at him, his expression indifferent.

Yan Xuanting abruptly turned his head and began coughing violently.

Line after line of bright red blood spilled from his lips. By the time he turned back, his face had taken on a sickly gray pallor.

The little emperor froze. The cold suspicion in his eyes cracked, revealing a rare flash of panic.

He suddenly remembered how, when he’d just ascended, he was too young to command allegiance. Only Yan Xuanting’s wholehearted support had secured his throne.

Back then, Yan Xuanting had exhausted himself planning for him. One late night, he’d also coughed up blood before him.

Yan Xuanting kowtowed three more times.

“I have little time left. My only wish for my remaining life is to have my wife always by my side.”

12

When I woke, I didn’t see Yan Xuanting. Only Yan Jiuyue sat beside the bed, looking at me with reddened eyes. “Saozi, you’re awake.”

As though afraid I’d be confused, she added, “Don’t be afraid. Your poison is cured. Someone from the palace brought the antidote.”

I asked, “Where’s your brother?”

Yan Jiuyue’s gaze darted away.

I asked again, “Where’s your brother?”

My emphasis was already heavy.

“Gege… took medicine to soften the emperor’s heart. He’s lying in a side room now—”

Before she finished, I’d already jumped from bed and rushed toward the side room.

Waves of medicinal fragrance came from inside.

Yan Xuanting leaned against the headboard, his face pale. Seeing me, surprise and delight flashed in his eyes.

“Xuxu, you’re awake?”

As he spoke, he turned aside to cough twice. A thread of bright red spilled from his lips.

I rushed to his bedside, my heart twisting painfully. Only when I spoke did I realize my voice was trembling.

“Yan Xuanting, what medicine did you take?”

Those shimmering eyes looked at me, rippling with an exceedingly gentle smile.

Then he reached out and softly wiped away the tears at my eyes.

“Xuxu, don’t cry.”

I reached to grasp his hand.

Even the first time I killed someone, my hands hadn’t trembled this badly.

An empty helplessness and terror surged up in my heart. The unfamiliar, intense emotion almost swallowed me.

Suddenly, I understood what it was.

“Yan Xuanting, don’t die.” Looking at him, I finally let the tears stream unchecked. “I love you. You can’t die…”

Before meeting him, I’d always sunk in darkness, never knowing what light looked like.

He’d led me into the light step by step, saved me, and made me recognize the existence of pain and the meaning of fighting back.

How could I allow him to die?

Yan Xuanting seemed to want to comfort me, but he couldn’t stop coughing. So I cried even harder.

Amid the sobs mixed with coughing, Chu Mu’s voice finally reached my ears clearly.

“Madam Yan, if you cry like this, I’ll think you’re questioning my medical skill.”

I stopped crying and turned to threaten him. “You have to cure Yan Xuanting, or I’ll kill you.”

Chu Mu’s lips twitched.

“Madam Yan’s martial strength is formidable. Killing me would naturally be as easy as turning your hand.” He said, “But His Excellency isn’t really ill. How am I supposed to cure him?”

I froze.

Chu Mu continued, “To look pitiful before the emperor, he merely took a symptom-mimicking poison I gave him. A few doses of medicine, and once the effects disperse, he’ll be fine.”

I looked at Yan Jiuyue, who’d entered behind him.

She smiled sheepishly. “I just wanted saozi to know Gege has done a lot for you…”

Yan Xuanting finally stopped coughing and rebuked her. “Nonsense.”

I watched him drink Chu Mu’s decoction and quickly regain color. I thought he really was fine.

Until night.

Yan Xuanting put a book in my hands and said he had official business to handle in the study.

Quietly following him, I discovered he went to see Chu Mu.

And the first thing he said was, “Don’t tell Xuxu or Jiuyue about my condition.”

“I know. But you really can’t keep exhausting your mind and body.” Chu Mu’s voice was grave. “The drug was powerful and still left lasting damage. You’ll need to recuperate slowly.”

“I know. Once this matter is over, I intend to resign and, with Xuxu—” His expression suddenly changed. “Xuxu.”

Standing in the night wind, I looked at him quietly. “Yan Xuanting, you lied to me.”

“You said I should tell you everything without holding back. But you’re clearly ill and won’t tell me.”

Chu Mu tactfully left.

In the cool night, only Yan Xuanting and I remained.

He met my eyes for a long time, then gave a bitter smile. “All right, Xuxu. I’ll tell you everything.”

I walked over. He put an arm around my shoulders and whispered.

The poisons Shen Tongwen used to control his shadow guards had originally come from the imperial family.

The little emperor had agreed to give him the antidote on the condition that Yan Xuanting sacrifice his own reputation to help eliminate the grave threat of Marquis Jing’an’s household.

“Demoting Prince Jing’an’s household before was already a form of punishment. To strike harder now, it can’t come through an imperial decree. After all, Shen Tongwen holds too many shameful secrets. His Majesty must consider the consequences if he decides to destroy everything along with himself.”

“So it can only be me. I must be the… treacherous minister who frames Marquis Jing’an and forcibly brings him down for selfish gain.”

He said the final words with great difficulty.

I caught his hand and shook my head. “How could you be a treacherous minister? You’re clearly utterly loyal to the emperor.”

He laughed self-mockingly beside my ear. “Xuxu, what His Majesty needs is neither a loyal minister nor a treacherous one, but a useful minister. When I first entered official service, I wanted to establish a livelihood for the people and bring peace to all ages. But after being pushed into this position of overwhelming power, nothing was up to me anymore.”

Yan Xuanting sounded very dejected.

Suddenly, I felt miserable.

He was such a clear, upright person, like bright wind and an unclouded moon.

Yet now he couldn’t attend court and had to reflect at home.

The officials had jointly petitioned the emperor to dismiss and imprison the ambitious, faction-forming prime minister who attacked his opponents.

A moment of silence.

Yan Xuanting reached out and gathered my collar more closely.

“The night wind is cool, Xuxu. Let’s go back and rest early.”

The moment we lay down, I pressed his sleep acupoint.

Then I went outside, stepped across courtyard walls and rooftops, and flew toward the palace using lightness skill.

After taking the antidote, the formidable martial ability granted by the poison would gradually disappear too.

Within half a month, only ten or twenty percent would remain.

But at this moment, it was still enough.

This wasn’t my first late-night visit to the palace.

Familiar with the way, I reached the little emperor’s bedchamber and waited patiently on a roof beam for a long time.

Once the eunuch serving tea withdrew and only the emperor remained, I flipped down and landed lightly on the floor.

His face instantly darkened. Through gritted teeth, he said, “County Lady Gaoyang, you have enormous nerve!”

Looking at him, I tugged at the corner of my mouth. “This isn’t my first visit. Why get so angry?”

Clearly, that made him angrier.

“Aren’t you afraid We will punish you?” he asked coldly. “Even if you aren’t, don’t you worry We will punish Yan Xuanting?”

“Your Majesty, you’re mistaken. I’m not standing before you as County Lady Gaoyang or Yan Xuanting’s wife. I’m a formidable martial artist of the jianghu.”

Translator’s note: Jianghu (江湖), literally “rivers and lakes,” is the martial world beyond formal official society.

The little emperor opened his mouth, apparently about to summon guards.

I cut him off in time before he spoke.

“Your imperial guards’ abilities are very ordinary. I’ve been here many times, and they’ve never discovered me. So I advise you not to act rashly.”

He looked at me coldly. “What exactly do you want?”

I didn’t answer.

I only asked, “Shen Tongwen must have been behind Yan Xuanting’s poisoning. And you tacitly permitted him to do it, didn’t you?”

13

The little emperor said nothing. After a moment, he asked, “Aren’t you afraid We will order you and Yan Xuanting killed?”

His tone was chilling.

“I am.” I nodded. “You’ve only just ordered Shen Tongwen confined to his residence, and now you’ll order Yan Xuanting killed. Aren’t you afraid the world will criticize you and the people’s confidence will waver?”

At last, his expression changed.

Yan Xuanting hadn’t said it explicitly, but I’d guessed this was the little emperor’s fatal weakness.

The officials had petitioned for him to deal with Yan Xuanting.

It was already the best opportunity, yet he still hadn’t acted.

Presumably, because Yan Xuanting had helped him ascend and served him wholeheartedly, he feared history would condemn him as ungrateful after his death.

“Your Majesty, I’ll kill Shen Tongwen for you and retrieve the secret evidence he holds. But you can’t act against Yan Xuanting, and you must clear his name. All right?”

I stared at him. “Yan Xuanting has served for ten years, devoted to sovereign and people, exhausting himself without disloyalty. If Your Majesty wants to be an enlightened ruler, you shouldn’t give a loyal minister such an ending.”

At last, the little emperor agreed.

He also gave me a bottle of poison.

He said this was the poison Shen Tongwen had originally intended to use on Yan Xuanting.

Lethal upon contact with blood. The poisoned person would die in enormous agony.

Taking that bottle, I infiltrated Marquis Jing’an’s residence.

Because Shen Tongwen was confined and many of his people had been taken away, it was much quieter.

Of course, fearing he’d destroy everything along with himself, the little emperor hadn’t dared press too hard.

I admit there was an element of gambling.

But even if I was injured, as long as one breath remained, I would kill Shen Tongwen.

His death couldn’t have the slightest connection to Yan Xuanting.

I’d expected some difficulty. Unexpectedly, only Lei Yun guarded Shen Tongwen’s room.

Lei Yun’s martial arts were inferior to mine.

After killing him silently, I slipped inside.

Only then did I understand why just one person was outside.

Shen Tongwen was favoring a bedchamber maid.

And as he did so, asking her whether he was impressive.

It seemed the previous incident had indeed dealt him a tremendous blow.

I put poison into the teapot and wine cup on the table, then hid on a roof beam.

Before long, Shen Tongwen emerged with his collar wide open and gloomily swallowed a cup of wine.

The cup rolled from his hand.

His body crashed to the floor. Blood flowed from his seven orifices, and his breath gradually ceased.

He hadn’t even had time to make a sound.

Before, Shen Tongwen had meant pain, blood, slaughter… all the negative things that bound my life.

He’d seemed incomparably powerful, impossible to destroy.

Now, with his death, they all dispersed like smoke and clouds.

More importantly, once I’d only thought it hurt. I hadn’t realized the pain was wrong, or that I could fight back.

But now, I’d returned it.

I exhaled deeply and left amid the maid’s terrified screams, then visited the study.

Shen Tongwen hid crucial evidence in a secret compartment there.

Once, he’d been drunk when he called me in and forgot to guard against me. I’d seen it.

I took the evidence back and gave it to Yan Xuanting.

Unexpectedly, for the first time, he became angry with me.

“You pressed my sleep acupoint?”

“…”

“Infiltrated the palace alone and negotiated with the emperor?”

“…”

“And went to Marquis Jing’an’s residence alone to kill Shen Tongwen?”

Backing me into a corner of the bed, he looked at me through gritted teeth. “Ye Xuxu, you may not fear death, but I fear you dying!”

Calling me by my full name. He really was angry.

After a little thought, I decided to win his sympathy with tears.

But fake crying was a skill, and I didn’t possess Shen Manman’s excellent ability.

Only after trying for ages did I barely squeeze out two tears.

Instead, I made Yan Xuanting laugh.

I seized the chance. “Since you laughed, that means you’re not angry anymore, right?”

Holding me, he sighed. “Xuxu, even if you hadn’t acted, Shen Tongwen wouldn’t have lived another three days. At this stage, His Majesty wouldn’t spare him, and wouldn’t truly act against me either.”

Actually, I’d figured that out after killing Shen Tongwen.

How could there be such a coincidence? I said I wanted to kill Shen Tongwen, and the emperor immediately produced poison.

He’d planned it long ago, hadn’t he?

If he didn’t use me, he’d use Yan Xuanting.

Fortunately, it was me.

“I know. You must have kept a backup plan,” I said. “But I knew where he kept the evidence. It was more reliable for me to act. You saved me. I should save you once too. That’s fair.”

I paused. “Besides, it wasn’t entirely for you. After how Shen Tongwen treated me, I was avenging both of us.”

Yan Xuanting smiled, his gaze turning gentle in an instant.

“Xuxu, good Xuxu. I’m so happy you’ve learned to love yourself.”

He kissed beside my ear and coaxed me. “I like hearing you say ‘both of us.’ Say it a couple more times for me, all right?”

I said, “Yan Xuanting, take good care of your health. I still want to share that future you described, the rest of both our lives.”

Light flickered in his clear eyes, and he reached to draw down the bed curtains.

“My wife’s words of love are so beautiful. Say a few more for me.”

By the time we tidied ourselves and got out of bed, it was noon.

Yan Xuanting had Chunxue bring lunch directly to the room.

While eating, I asked, “Yan Xuanting, the person you wanted to marry at first was Shen Manman, wasn’t it?”

He placed a shrimp dumpling in my bowl and smiled. “How could that be? Xuxu, from the beginning, the person I wanted was you. If the one who married me hadn’t been you, I would have found a way to make it you.”

I stared at him with wide eyes.

Yan Xuanting told me why he’d fallen for me and said he’d seen me long before.

After listening, I found it somewhat unbelievable.

“So you saw me killing people and then fell in love with me?”

A mouthful of sweet soup caught in his throat.

“Xuxu, how do you come up with such strange ideas?”

Shaking his head with a bitter smile, he considered briefly and said, “But it’s not entirely wrong. When I saw you kill, I thought of Jiuyue. Although we grew up poor, I’d protected her well. She didn’t even dare kill a fish.”

“The first time I saw you kill someone, I was only curious. How could this young woman be so calm? After watching more often, I gradually developed a thought even I found absurd: I wanted to marry her, bring her home, and protect her properly, so she wouldn’t have to kill anymore.”

Gently, he took my hand and brought it to his lips for a kiss.

“I wanted these hands to hold more than swords and blades. I wanted them to touch brushes and ink, books and paintings, rouge and brocade, gold and jade jewelry, flowers and grasses and flowing water.”

His hand clasped my wrist and pulled me into his arms.

“And to interlace all ten fingers with mine.”

14

The next day, Yan Xuanting took the evidence I’d brought him into the palace to discuss it with the little emperor.

Who knew what they said? He only returned after dark.

I looked at him eagerly. Smiling, he leaned over, kissed the tip of my nose, and said affectionately, “Xuxu, rest assured.”

All right.

I rested assured.

Ten days later, most of my formidable martial ability had disappeared.

Where I could once leap easily onto a roof, I could now only barely climb a tree or scale a wall.

My sword speed had noticeably slowed too.

Around then, the little emperor’s edict arrived.

He classified Shen Tongwen’s death as a jianghu revenge killing, unrelated to Yan Xuanting.

Then he removed Yan Xuanting as prime minister and gave him a new post, something called Academician of Ceremonial Etiquette.

After the messenger left, I looked at Yan Xuanting without speaking for a long time.

“What’s wrong?”

“Is this the result of your discussion with the emperor that day?” I asked. “I don’t think… I’ve ever heard of an official post called Academician of Ceremonial Etiquette.”

He laughed.

“Naturally not. His Majesty created it specially for me. It oversees palace banquets and imperial-city etiquette. High rank, high salary, but no real power. I told His Majesty I still have a wife to support and must earn money.”

He reached out and clasped my hand. “If I can’t be a powerful minister, I’ll have to be a corrupt official from now on.”

Naturally, Yan Xuanting couldn’t be corrupt.

I always remembered what he’d said that day.

He said he’d become an official to establish a livelihood for the people and bring peace to all ages.

His final act before ceasing to be prime minister was to petition the little emperor to open the treasury and repair the Ji River embankment.

And the post of Academician of Ceremonial Etiquette was indeed very idle and very lucrative.

The little emperor probably felt a little embarrassed too, and bestowed plenty of gold and silver.

But actually, the Yan family lacked no money at all.

Hearing Yan Xuanting had no money, Yan Jiuyue casually grabbed a handful of gold leaves from a box and stuffed them into my pouch.

“Use it freely. If it’s not enough, ask me for more.”

Yan Xuanting smiled. “When did I have no money? I was only teasing Xuxu. Keep it and save up your dowry.”

Yan Jiuyue glanced at Chu Mu beside her.

He immediately said obligingly, “I’ll send someone to propose tomorrow.”

She scoffed. “You sound so reluctant. There’s really no need.”

Before they could quarrel again, Yan Xuanting pulled me away in time.

With nothing else to do, he began teaching me to read and practice calligraphy. I even learned some meticulous brush painting.

Actually, poetry and painting were fine.

But as he taught, this man always somehow wandered onto strange verses.

For instance, “Within warm lotus curtains, the spring night passes.”

Or, “By day I let feeling run free to express love; by night I entrust dreams to meet you.”

When emotions ran deep, he would murmur beside my ear, “Break willow, send catkins flying, ask nothing of you; tonight’s soaking rain sleeps always in spring.”

Yet even with such frequent intimacy, I still didn’t conceive.

Chu Mu took my pulse and said the cold poison had been in my body for so long that, even after it was cured, my foundation had been damaged.

Even with slow recuperation, it might take eight or ten years to improve.

After hearing this, Yan Xuanting nodded very casually. “In that case, go back early and prepare for your wedding with Jiuyue.”

Chu Mu froze. “…Ah?”

“Since Xuxu and I can’t have children, we’ll have to count on you two.”

The following spring, Yan Xuanting and I married again. This time, we performed the ceremonial bows, making up for what had been missing. The little emperor even came to witness it.

Since Yan Xuanting stopped being prime minister, the little emperor was no longer as wary of him.

Even seeing his health improve day by day didn’t surprise him. He put on a show and said, “Minister Yan was so frail before because he worked too hard for Us, the court, and the people. Resting now is good too.”

Yan Xuanting’s smile didn’t change. “Your Majesty is right.”

Not only did the little emperor come, he brought an enormous jade sculpture of a willow.

Looking at me as though I’d never threatened him that night, he smiled warmly.

“This jade carving suits Minister Yan’s wife very well. Consider it Our wedding gift.”

For the sake of the carving’s considerable value, I said nothing more.

The day after the wedding, Yan Xuanting took Yan Jiuyue and me into the countryside for a spring outing.

When we grew tired of flying kites, Yan Jiuyue and I each came back to rest.

She went boating with Chu Mu, while Yan Xuanting took me to the other side of the lake.

I asked, “Why did we come here?”

Yan Xuanting didn’t answer at once. He broke off a long, slender, flourishing willow branch and shook it.

Countless light willow catkins, borne by the wind, drifted and danced toward the sunlight.

Free and unrestrained.

Turning to me, he smiled and said, “Xuxu, look. This is you.”

Translator’s note: Xu (絮, xu4) means catkin fluff. Her name Xuxu (絮絮, xu4 xu4) returns in the final image of willow catkins flying free.